Quest n. The act or an instance of seeking or pursuing something; a search.

If you follow the definition torn from the pages of Webster's, our quest has ended. Or has it? Well, if our quest was to seek out entertainment through the unfortunate viewing of performers who believe they are masters of their craft yet fail on levels so extraordinary that they make the French Military seem formidable....then yes our quest has ended. Or perhaps it has just begun.

The Quest, stars Belgium Martial Art's Superstar Jean Claude Van Damme (of No Retreat No Surrender fame) as Christopher Dubois. The cool thing about Van Damme, is that he caters most of the charactes he plays to his own heritage, thus giving ample explanation to us the viewer as to why he has such a thick accent. Unlike Schwarzenegger who tries desperately to pretend he's an American, and fails miserably....much like his soon to be extinct political career (what the fuck were you guys in California thinking? excuse me.. CallyFORNyah). Anyway, this is really where Van Damme's cleverness ends.....unless everyone in Belgium, is stale, emotionless, and half retarded, he is just plain awful.

The Quest is essentially Bloodsport, a movie that really brought him into the public eye 8 years earlier. Sure the writers try and paint a story around this one, and even manage to land Roger Moore and James Remar (the dude that played Ajax in the Warriors) as supporting cast members (I'm thinking this may have been an example of the Fonda Syndrome) in an effort to make this movie original. They failed. The Quest when it comes down to it, is a martial arts tournament where a big ass group of combatants get together to compare their cocks in hopes of winning a big gold dragon. Sounds just like the Kumite from Bloodsport, except for the gold dragon....and the cocks. By now you should already guess what happens.

Chris, enters the tournament (as I said before, there is a long waste of time getting to this point, so you should just fast forward to the fight, better yet, take the dvd out of the player and throw it away) and of course is an underdog. There is a giant guy named Kahn, who I think he fought in Lionheart, that will undoubtedly end up being Chris's final opponent. Kahn looks like Andre the Giant on steroids (I realize that is as redundant as saying Tom Cruise on cock (3rd reference to cock in this review by the way)) and is easily 100 pounds Chris's senior, but will that stop him? Probably not. I don't want to spoil anything for you, but I'm pretty sure Van Damme wins this one in the end.

Much like King Kong (the new Peter Jackson mess), The Quest wastes hours of time getting to the point. This film should have been 25-30 minutes of dudes beating the shit out of each other. As I said earlier, I would fast forward to the tournament, which in parts is pretty sweet. There are a couple of guys that look insane, and should probably be locked up, regardless of whether or not they have committed a crime. If they haven't yet I'm sure they will. The biggest crime however is the Quest. Thank you Jean Claude, thank you for taking another 90 minutes from us. I'll see you in hell sir.

Hamlin Grade: 2.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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