This marks the last time I will be returning to the well of No Retreat No Surrender. My last journey to this virtual oasis of talent brought us face to face with Don 'The Dragon' Wilson in Ring of Fire 2: Blood and Steal. With this review of Bikini Summer, this experiment can only be concluded as a complete failure. Or perhaps an unprecedented success!

How did I wind up at Bikini Summer? Here's the 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon on that. Kent Lipham. Who? Yes Kent Lipham, the actor who exploded onto the big screen with his portrayal of Scott in No Retreat No Surrender, continued to dominate Hollywood for 5 years. His last movie was actually a little known film called Across the Tracks, which stars Bad Movie Knight's own Brad Pitt and Rick Schroeder (a movie I'm sure they would both love to forget....can you say Aniston Effect...ironic no?). Mr. Lipham like his cast mate Dale Jordan was one of a very few to move on from No Retreat No Surrender. Thankfully his advance was stopped cold in 1991. You can see his very limited filmography here.

My quest for more bad movies through the harvesting of other bad movies has unearthed a beauty. Bikini Summer is everything you'd expect it to be. Plotless, directionless, void of actors and liberally seasoned with bare breasts generously packed with silicone. The major selling point of Bikini Summer is that it stars the versatile (not really) Shelley Michelle! Who? Exactly. Shelley Michelle's claim to fame is that she was the horse-faced bitch who played the body double for Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. What I don't understand is why didn't the director hire a face double for Julia Roberts as well? Let's be honest folks, it looks like this botox reject walked into the plastic surgeon's office and said "Doc! Make me look like a Grouper!". However I digress. Bikini Summer is about a group of douche-bags who are hired by an old couple (and even bigger douche-bags) to redecorate and paint their home (conveniently located on the beach) while they go on vacation. The crew runs the gambit as far as personality and short term summer goals. Cheryl, is a brainless whore who is looking for love and enjoys parading around naked for 90% of the film. She could also be a body double because her face would look better with a steaming shit curled on it. Chet pretends to be a celebrity photographer to lure unsuspecting ladies out of their swimwear and onto his penis. Shelley Michelle plays Jazz who is the lead singer of an all girl rock band. Richie is one of those 'Save the Earth' dickheads who end up doing more damage than good to their cause because they are so fucking irritating. Rachel is a depressed swimsuit designer who dresses really frumpy, but is obviously pretty hot, but no one realizes it till she shows up wearing a swimsuit made of dental floss. And Mad Dog, played by our hero Kent Lipham sits on a couch the entire film drinking beer. He doesn't even have one line in Bikini Summer, unless you count two belches (which I think are the same one, just replayed twice).

Bikini Summer combines these gourmet ingredients and serves it up piping hot on a platter of outright badness. The cast goes about their separate ways, individually achieving nothing except for heart ache and dissapointment (essentially the exact emotions I shared throughout the viewing of this shit) until they realize the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. They unite for a bikini contest, in which the tree hugger can promote 'Save the Earth' crap, the rock band can perform, the fashion designer can display her swimsuits, the whore can show off her ass and fake breasts, and Chet can photograph it all to reach climax.

Bikini Summer is one of almost 90 films with the term 'bikini' nestled somewhere in the title. I can assure you that is most likely the worst of said group. However that would be like comparing 90 steaming mounds of cow dung and trying to decide which one smelled most like my ass after an evening of dining on Tex-Mex, White Castle and Meister Brau.

Hamlin Grade: 4.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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