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As July gently rolls into August we thought what better way to celebrate this transition than by highlighting the career of one of Hollywood's elite. Bad Movie Knight's is proud to bring you our SPOTLIGHT ON: Slyvester Stallone.
The brain child of Fletch, this SPOTLIGHT ON, will bring you face to face with the inner workings of the mind of Stallone. No really. Join us as we travel through the filmography of this legendary thespian who has brought us epics like Rocky, Rambo, Tango & Cash, Over The Top, Rhinestone and more.....many, many more.
Take a deeper look into the mind of Stallone through our reviews of some of his classics:
Rambo: First Blood Part II
Over the Top
Tango & Cash
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Let us blast open the doors of Stallone week with his 1985 smash hit, Rambo: First Blood Part II! For this film, Stallone put on his writing cap to collaborate with a little known filmmaker at the time, James Cameron. Sly knew a good thing when he saw it, and reviving his character from his modestly successful film (First Blood), created job security for the next decade and put him amongst the legends of bad Hollywood icons.
We find our hero John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) oiled up doing hard labor in a maximum-security prison. Enter the only man he trusts, his mentor from the Vietnam War, Colonel Samuel Trautman, played by the late great Richard Crenna. A reconnaissance mission is planned to find POW's in Vietnam, and Rambo is one of three men qualified to complete the task. Rambo reluctantly agrees and asks, "Do we get to win this time?" Does this movie have a political agenda?
Rambo is flown into special operation headquarters where he is met on the airfield by Sensei of the Cobra Kai, John Kreese played by Martin Kove (see Karate Kid). This is an immediate indication that strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Sensei John Kreese leads Rambo through a totally unimpressive hanger filled with giant boxes that have lights which keep beeping and flashing and beeping and flashing....obviously Eighties suppa computas that also use reel to reel recording. Impressive! Most Impressive! Here he meets Colonel Trautman and head of operations Marshall Murdock (Charles Napier). Murdock tells Rambo that all these suppa computas are for him and his mission. Let's see, Sensei John Kreese; strike one, Eighties suppa computas; that's strike two! Murdock sits down and reads off a dossier for the audience to familiarize themselves with our hero, "Rambo, John J. born 7-6-47. Of German-Indian decent, hell of a combination. 4 silver stars, 4 purple hearts, a Distinguished Service Cross and a congressional medal of honor. Got around didn't you son." Murdock reassures him that with the state of the art weapons they will provide, his mission should go off with out a hitch. At this point Stallone delivers a line that only he could make comedy gold, "I always thought the mind was the best weapon." As Trautman accompanies Rambo to the airfield to see him off, Rambo turns to tell him that the second battalion that Murdock said he was with in '66 was not stationed where he said they were. Well I guess the mind is the best weapon! That's strike three, and the man hasn't even left headquarters.
While making his parachute jump, Rambo gets hung up on the plane and dragged. His only way of surviving is to cut away all that state of the art gear he has with him. Now Rambo's only weapon is a ridiculously large hunting knife. Oh yeah, and his mind! Back at HQ, Murdock is obliged to cut his losses, but Trautman won't have it and will eventually insist on being a part of the extraction team. Meanwhile, Rambo meets up with his field operative who turns out to be a young desirable Vietnamese female named Co Bao played by Julia Nickson. Mrs.Nickson's performance with that terrible broken English is the stuff that inspired the creation of Bad Movie Knights!
The boat ride up river to the camp gives these two a chance to let their love grow, which is, perhaps, the funniest part of the movie. Check it out- Co Bao: "What mean expendable?" Rambo: "It's like when someone invites you to a party and you don't show up....it doesn't really matter." Rambo then inquires about her necklace. "It bring me good luck. What bring you good luck?" Rambo shows her his very large knife. You people have dirty minds, it really is a knife and it's quite clean. Finally they arrive at the camp and there are POWs there after all. Rambo can't just snap a few pictures as he was ordered to, he is a man of action. He is able to take out four guards, rescue one of the prisoners and slip quietly into the night undetected. At daybreak the camp discovers the bodies and sounds the alarm. The chase is on! The boat ride back to the extraction point provides some blistering action providing a body count of thirteen within five minutes and Rambo is able to show off his big shinny blade! No, it's not code for something else it's just a knife!
At any rate, Rambo and Co Bao part ways, and she expresses her deep admiration for him, "You not expendable." Que a single tear. The Vietcong catch up with Rambo and the POW near the extraction point. Mortars, gunfire, explosions, all hell is coming down on them...but what's this? Sensei John Kreese, suspect agent #2, and Colonel Trautman in a helicopter! Troutman spots Rambo and the POW andc utters, "Christ, he's found one." You've got to love Crenna's delivery! At HQ Murdock hears this and immediately gives orders to abort the mission. This won't do for Trautman, and he demands that Sensei John Kreese land the helicopter. At this point suspect agent #2 pulls a gun on Trautman and tells him not to be a hero ( I'm not kidding.) With Rambo almost within reach, Sensei John Kreese pulls up and flies away. The Vietcong now surround our hero and take him prisoner.
Remember it's the eighties and there is nothing more evil then the red threat. Meet Russian soldiers led by Victor Maitland (Beverly Hills Cop) played by Steven Berkoff! Dark skinned, Capricorn, you know Victa! Upon their arrival, the Vietcong raise Rambo out of a leach-infested mud-hole to give us Sly's gratuitous ass shot. Apparently Sly and Costner have some sort of on going bet as to who can show their ass more on the big screen.
"I see your no stranger to pain." Let the torture begin! The Russian's interrogation methods are electrifying! "You may scream, there's no shame." How in the world is Rambo going to get out of this one? Bet you're also wondering what happened to Co Bao. Well, she just infiltrated the camp as a whore, but her mind is not on whoring. The rescue is a success and Rambo and Co Bao (say it with me Rambo and Co Bao...feels good doesn't it?) are reunited, but alas, not for long. Co Bao catches a bullet or two and dies in Rambo's arms. When something dies another something is born, and in this case that something is Rambo giving birth to a killing spree the likes of which has rarely been matched on screen. Now, we are treated to a priceless scene of Rambo's preparation for making war. Tight shot of Rambo shafting that huge knife of his(I promise I won't mention that God damn knife again!) Back shot of him flexing as he ties his head band around that beautiful mullet of his. That good luck necklace of Co Bao's is now Rambo's choker. Finally, Rambo grabs his bow and strikes a pose as if gazing to some far off place. We are are ready for war!
The rest of the movie is nonstop action with Rambo rescuing the POWs and destroying everything in sight. When he makes it back to headquarters he knees Sensei John Kreese in the balls! The end. This time we won!
This movie is a perfect example of Stallone's ego on display. What I had failed to mention is throughout everything I have just described the man is oiled up and shirtless. "Yo check me out I'm ripped!" Yeah, we get it. You will find this an on going theme in the wonderful world of Stallone!
Hamlin Grade: 5.5
Fletch is a killing word!
The Kobayashi Maru....the no win scenario....a scenario in which Admiral James T. Kirk (Admiral? Yes, Khan Admiral) has little faith. And why should he? Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan is anything but...it is trully the win win scenario.
Why review Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan on Bad Movie Knights? Yes my friends it is a bad movie, but not one to be eviscerated and thrown like a Kurgan infant to a pack of hungry dogs....rather, it is a bad movie that deserves much heralding, and I will be the harbinger of accolades for this fine piece of shit...I mean cinema.
Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan is definitely the crowning achievement of the Star Trek movie franchise. Story, special effects, and perhaps even direction were spot on. However, this movie, is classified as bad, because never before has such a mob of horrible actors been united on the big screen at one time (unless you count Star Trek The Motion Picture, and the original television show which preceded ST2:TWOK (sweet acronym huh?). William Shatner, the Patron Saint of the Bad Movie, leads this rag tag bunch down the spiraling path of bad acting, a path frequented by this cast so many times, that they attain a level of consistency unmatched before or since. Joining Shat, on his quest, are Leonard Nimoy as Captain Spock, DeForest Kelley as Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy (DEAD), James Doohan as Commander Montgomery "Scotty" Scott (DEAD), Walter Koenig as Pavel Chekov (DYING), George Takei as Hikaru Sulu (GAY), and Nichelle Nichols and Commander Uhura (WHORE).
As Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan opens, we learn that Captain Kirk has been promoted to the rank of Admiral (Admiral? Yes, Khan Admiral) and is making the final preparations to turn over the command of the Enterprise to Captain Spock. His somber mood, foreshadows the eventuality that he and the Enterprise will never be separated, and being Captain of a starship as Spock says, is his first best destiny.
Cut to Space Station Regula I, where we meet Kirk's ex Carol Marcus, and the heir apparent to the Enterprise throne, the spawn of Kirk, David Marcus (played by Merritt Buttrick who's big claim to fame was on the TV series Square Pegs as John 'Johnny Slash' Ulasewicz, the dickhead that was into Divo). This pair along with a collection of other scientists are designing and testing the Genesis Device, an experiment that will change lifeless planets and moons into ones that can sustain and support said life. In support of the space station is the starship U.S.S. Reliant, commanded by Captain Clark Terrell (played by the great Paul Winfield of Terminator fame) and Enterprise guest of honor Pavel Chekov. Reliant is scoping out the galaxy in the hopes of finding a planet capable of testing the Genesis Device.
Believing they have found a suitable planet in Seti Alpha 6, Pavel Chekov and his fellow away team member Captain Terrell arrive on the sandy shores of this potential test site for the Genesis project. Instead of a lifeless planet, or one with a particle of pre-animate matter caught in it's matrix, they are welcomed by their new host, and Botany Bay crew member, Mr. Rourke, who chortles gleefully... 'WELCOME... TO SETI ALPHA 5'. Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Mr. Rourke, I mean Khan, introduces us to possibly the coolest adversary Captain James T. Kirk has ever faced, in Khan, played by Ricardo Montalban (unless you count Reverend Jim Ignatowski from Taxi as the Klingon Commander in Star Trek 3....he was pretty bad ass too...hell why didn't they use all of the old 70's television personalities and make Rerun a Vulcan?). Introduced many years earlier in a Star Trek episode called 'Space Seed' (great episode, but it's no match for Arena, or Mirror Mirror) Khan, his new found love and future wife, and crew are deposited on Seti Alpha 5, a planet more than capable of sustaining life and flourishing. Unbeknownst to Kirk, Seti Alpha 6, the sister planet of Seti Alpha 5, exploded and shifted it's orbit more or less turning it into the old Thundarr The Barbarian, post apocolyptic scenario....a pretty shitty place to live, not unlike Madison, Wisconsin.
Once aboard what is left of the Botany Bay, Chekov and Terrell meet Khan and friends, dressed magnificently in robes of burnt sienna that are designed to show off as much man cleavage as possible. Well oiled, rippling pectoral muscles from wall to wall, transform this desolate husk of a vessel, into a gay bath house oasis. The Botany Bay and her crew are not without hospitality and spare no time showering them with luxurious amenities . Immediately welcoming Chekov and Terrell, Khan and his crew relieve them of any burdensome intelligence they may carry, and reward them by depositing these half lizard / scorpion things into their ears. Upon reaching it's host's brain, these creatures render the pair susceptible to Khan's every whim and desire.
Back at Space Dock, aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise, Admiral Kirk (Admiral? Yes, Khan Admiral) enters and is greeted with all of the pomp and circumstance a man of his stature and rank deserves. After exchanging platitudes, Kirk proceeds to the bridge in preparation for a training cruise, after which the crew and trainees are dismissed by Captain Spock. As the crew departs, Spock is approached by trainee and fellow Vulcan Lietenant Saavik (played by a young Kirstie Allie, who was actually quite a piece of stuff prior to becoming the Jenny Craig Leviathan that she is today) and they have a brief exchange. To sum up this eye opening conversation, translated from Vulcan, Saavik explains how Kirk is not what she expected. Spock inquires why, and she responds that he is so human. In a clever and witty retort, Spock explains that nobody is perfect. While the audience is meant to laugh at the levity of this moment, it masks the real and much darker truth. That all Vulcans are racist assholes. Perhaps they successfully hide this prejudice with a well conceived barrage of condescension and arrogance that is accepted because of the their logical and expertly learned culture. But the point is made abundantly clear, that Vulcans are the intergalactic equivalent to the Klu Klux Klan.
In space, while orbiting Space Station Regula I, Khan and his crew have taken over the U.S.S. Reliant and altered it into a gay bath house in space. Prior to his arrival he uses his newly created mind slave Chekov (and judging by Khan's choice of fashion, sex slave as well) to tell Dr. Carol Marcus that Seti Alpha 6 is ready to be tested, and they are enroute to take the Genesis Device to it's destination by order of Admiral James. T. Kirk (Admiral? Yes, Khan Admiral).
Receiving a garbled distress call from Dr. Marcus, Kirk assumes command of the Enterprise, with Spock's blessing (obviously a rascist tactic) and the former trainee cruise is spurred into full fledged mission status. The Enterprise arrives and comes face to face with the U.S.S. Reliant, which unknown to Kirk and his crew, is under the command of Khan and his band of sexual deviants. The Reliant ignores all standard communications and regulations, and surprises the Enterprise by attacking. Disabled and listing in space, the Enterprise is powerless to stop Reliant....and for the first time Kirk meets his foe. Khan! Using his arrogance as a weakness, Kirk is able to fool Khan, by lowering Reliant's shields from Enterprise and returns fire. Reliant retreats, and leaves Enterprise helpless.......it also gives the Scotty the opportunity to arrive on the bridge with the half-dead body of the kid from the Disney show 'Escape from Witch Mountain'. Completely over dramatic, my first thought is, Scotty, why the fuck would you carry that kid all the way from the engine room, past the medical lab, to the bridge? Perhaps if you brought the kid directly to Bones he would have lived? Nice job dick.
Arriving on partial power to Space Station Regula I, it is clear that Khan has already made an appearance at the station (the dead scientist's bodies are a big hint), but clues are apparent that survivors may have escaped to Regula I. Lieutenant Saavik also finds the subdued, yet still living away team of Chekov and Terrell. The entire group decides to beam down to the planet, which as Spock so racistly explains...consists of various unremarkable ores and minerals, Regula is essentially a great rock in space....prejudice against planets as well aren't we Spock.
After beaming down to Regula, Kirk and his party (Saavik and Bones are with him.....this is the one thing in Star Trek that never made sense....why send a scouting party to an unknown destination that consists of your captain? That would be like George W. Bush fighting on the frontlines in Iraq....a situation few Americans would truly take issue with actually....but in Star Trek! That's insanity. An Admiral as part of an away team? (Admiral? Yes, Khan Admiral)) are re-united with Kirk's estranged wife Carol Marcus and his dickhead son (he's definitely playing the 'you're not my real father' card way too hard in this movie). Then Khan springs the trap. Chekov and Terrell under the control of Khan's brain / lizard / scorpion things draw their phasers and hold the group hostage. They give Khan the beaming coordinates of the Genesis Device and then fight Khan's mind control after he orders them to kill Kirk. Terrell sacrifices himself by turning his phaser on himself, and Chekov has a seizure and collapses to the deck, where the lizard / scorpion creature unveils itself by crawling from his ear. The mind bug is quickly dispatched by the dead eye aim of Kirk and his...simple....hand....phaser.
Returning to the Enterprise after 2 hours....ok, before I continue, lets talk about these 2 hours. HUGE ISSUE HERE. After beaming down to Regula, Kirk asked Spock for repair estimates on Enterprise. Spock's response (which is coded because according to StarFleet Regulations, no uncoded messages are permitted over an open space channel) "Captain if we followed Saavik, hours would seem like days, full power cannot be restored for two days" (I'm paraphrasing here)...ok, this is your idea of a code? Khan is supposedly a highly intelligent, genetically engineered super being......he couldn't figure this code out? Are you kidding me? Hmmm...hours would seem like days.....estimated repairs....2 days....uhhh Khan, buddy....the Enterprise will be ready to kick your bare chested ass in 2 hours. WOW! Ok, so the Enterprise is working, sort of. Partial Power, Impulse drive, a few torpedoes, and Kirk's giant cock are all he needs to beat the ass out of Khan....that and the Mutarra Nebula. The Nebula disables shields, and radar, which in a Sun Tzu type maneuver (again Khan's second retarded move) Kirk, evens the playing field by making Reliant an equal combatant to the damaged Enterprise.
After a few rounds of playing 'who has the bigger dick' the Enterprise disables the Reliant. Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan has some of the best space battles ever seen on the big screen, even in terms of Star Wars flicks which is ironic, because Industrial Light and Magic was responsible for the space battle footage. With Khan's crew killed, and his face now covered in a mixture of rasberry syrup and caramel (blood I guess?), he starts the Genesis Device, which as you know will create a shockwave so great that anything within it's range (which is significant) will be incinerated. This could be an issue for the Enterprise because of it's lack of warp speed due to a damaged warp core (holy shit I sound like a fucking loser) from the earlier battle with Reliant. In order to restore warp speed, and the drive, Spock (prejudiced asshole that he is) slips away from the bridge and down to engineering. Bones tries to stop him, but Spock uses the Vulcan racist nerve pinch and subdues him. In a prelude to things to come, Spock mind melds with Bones and fills his head with all sorts of racist thoughts....which will be retrieved at a later time, because knowing full well, that entering the warp chamber will kill him, thanks to the high levels of racism....i mean radiation. Spock goes about his business and repairs the damaged engine and quietly mumbles racist thoughts to himself.
On the bridge, the warp drive comes back on line, which Sulu gleefully announces, and Kirk responds with quite possible the funniest line in the movie (there are many more...dont' worry I have listed them all):
"Mr. Scott! GO SULU!"
Seconds before the detonation of Genesis the Enterprise escapes! WOO HOOO! Their rejoicing however is cut short as a melancholy call from Bones, urges Kirk to join them in engineering. In a scene that now should only bring Hitler and former Governor George Wallace to tears....Spock dies, but not before imparting some racist wisdom upon his friend Kirk.
The Enterprise launches spocks body into space following an emotional funeral service (probably the funniest part of the movie):
"Of my friend I can only say this. Of all the souls I have met on my journeys....his wastheMOST......HUMAN."
Spocks body, resting within a photon torpedo tube.....lands on the newly created Genesis Planet......a world that will create much controversy in the sequel.....and bring about the resurrection of the Vulcan and his racist ways.
Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan is perhaps the most quotable movie in Bad Movie Knights history. Shatner's portrayal of Kirk provides such an extensive supply of ammunition, it is possible to have entire conversations amongst friends, using nothing but Captain Kirk lines. The rest of the cast does an amazing job of adding to this palette of quotes as well. In essence, every line spouted, was in most cases over done, and said in a way that the actors must have thought.....this is of epic importance. This is what makes this movie BAD. Not one member of this cast ever took an acting lesson. If they did, the shools they studied at should be closed down and the teachers shot......on second thought, the schools should be praised and their teachers canonized.
Let's take a look at some of Shatner's more quotable lines, many of which have seldom gone unquoted at any Bad Movie Night (keep in mind the cadence in which Mr. Shatner speaks, I've done my best to illustrate it below):
"STILL! OLD! FRIEND! Butlikeapoor marksman....YOU...keep missing the TARGET!"
"We tried it once your way Khan.....areyou game for a rematch? KHAAAAN? I'm laughing at the superior intellect!"
"Your reputation is secure Scotty."
"KHANYOUBLOODSUCKER!! YOU WERE GOING TO KILL ME KHAN, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO COME DOWN HERE!"
"Genesis what's that?"
"Keep nodding your head as though I'm still giving you orders."
"Here it comes Khan."
"I changed the rules so it was possible to win....I don't believe in the 'no win' scenario. Got a commandation for original thinking."
Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan is a bad movie, but it is also one of the most entertaining features we have ever seen. As I said earlier, the production quality of this movie is superb, and so is the story, what makes Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan so special are its characters and the actors that play them. I defy anyone to sit through the funeral sequence at the end and not laugh your ass off. Because of the quality of this film's production, it loses several Hamlins, however it's cast put's in league with the best of the worst on Bad Movie Knights. If you haven't viewed the Khan in a while, it's time to come home. (Admiral? Yes, Khan Admiral).
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
I noticed we were close to finishing the alphabet in our review section, but we were still missing the letter U. For the greater good I once again pitted myself against my old nemesis....Costnerrrr!!!!
In 1987 Brian De Palma (Bonfire of the Vanities) gathered together an impressive collection of thespians and Kevin Costner to createThe Untouchables. With a veteran director, a highly sought after writer and such legendary actors as Connery and De Niro, how could this not be one of the greatest films ever? No, not even the evil destructive power of Costner could drag down this much talent. Alas, I feel there are times when unknown powers in the universe conspire to bring together a group of individuals who once shone in their respective fields, but collectively collaborate in casting a deep darkness. In this darkness only pain and suffering exist.
The man I feel who laid down the foundation for the dizzying heights of corniness which this movie reaches, is David Mamet. Right now you theater types are screaming bloody murder. I challenge any one of you to watch this movie and tell me that "Let's take the battle to them gentlemen!" is good writing. The whine does go well with the cheese in this case because lines like "Never stop fighting till the fighting's done" compliments Costner's total disregard for acting as a discipline.
Then there is Sean Connery, arguably the third best Bond. Yes, I believe Sickboy from Trainspotting got it right when asked about Mr. Connery winning the academy award for his performance in this picture..."It's a sympathy vote!" Connery reached that exclusive ground where he felt like he could take any roll simply for the reason that he's Sean Connery! (See the Caine Mutiny) "What are you prepared to do?!!" Apparently Sean was prepared to play Costner's mentor and take up with him on horseback (You didn't think Kevin could get through a film without a pony ride or a game of catch, did you?) to fight the evils of Alcohol. What a joke!
De Niro is the only one who escapes this film with any pride because he only has two small scenes with Costner that don't even constitute 2 of the 119 arduous minutes. Could this be chance, or could it be a method actor demanding that chumps not surround him?
We all know the story; prohibition, Chicago, Capone, tax evasion. Add some moral stance to upholding justice peppered with a baseball bat to the head (in this regard De Niro steals Costner's passion for the game) and some gunfights and you get The Untouchables. What is the moral of this story? Not allowing people to drink gets them upset and as a result people die. "Thus endith the lesson!"
Hamlin Grade: 1.5
Fletch is a killing word
There was a time, long ago, when I was thrilled that Hollywood mined the comic book industry for potential feature films. Whatever the project, as long as they supported the comic book industry, I was happy. That renaissance ended when Joel Schumacher decide to stick his dick into the Batman franchise, and all but exterminate the comic book to big screen lifeline.
In recent years, a new golden age has dawned for us comic book fans, as this unappreciated art form is once again being used as the inspiration for motion pictures. With the success of the Spiderman, and X-Men franchises, Hollywood has re-ignited its love affair with the funny books. Batman Begins, and the new Superman movie have further cemented a foundation for comics and graphic novels which will hopefully continue to strengthen for years to come...provided they do two things. Never, and I mean never, let Joel Schumacher direct another comic book based feature. And, most importantly, never make another comic book movie based off of a shitty comic book...case in point....V for Vendetta. But most importantly, never let Joel Schumacher direct ever again. Ever.
V for Vendetta was a painfully tedious read. The story went no where, and the art did little to inspire. The graphic novel was so awful, that frankly I couldn't finish it. Alan Moore fans will attack me and say I didn't get it, but to them I say what's to get? He basically ripped off the novel 1984? The comic is nothing more that a glimpse at an alternate future of what England may have looked like if the Nazi's won World War II. A government run by facist assholes, who control the public through fear, oppression, and propaganda. Ooooh ground breaking stuff!
As a movie, V for Vendetta is at least true to the comic book, in that it is just as tedious and painful to watch. Holy shit talk about boring. Aside from a few kick ass fight scenes with V (the main character, I will get to him briefly) and some finger men (the future equivalent to the Gestapo), this movie was a train wreck on a scale that M. Night Shyamalan couldn't hope to achieve,.... oh wait, yes he could (and has). One could hardly argue with me, because Alan Moore himself, completely removed himself from the film, and his name had no mention anywhere in the credits. Moore apparently wanted nothing to do with the movie project, and Larry Wachowski the director, in later press releases had stated that Alan Moore was very excited about the project and generally endorsing the film. So Larry lied, and Moore is stubborn jackass. What doesn't change is the fact that the comic book and the movie both still sucked ass.
The only saving grace of V for Vendetta, is the main character V. You never see his face, as it is hidden behind a 'Guy Fawkes' mask the entire movie, but his voice is chilling, and silmultaneously charming. Not knowing who it was prior to viewing the film, I soon recognized it as Hugo Weaving (I actually didn't know his name either, until today I always referred to him as Agent Smith) , the same gentleman who brilliantly portrayed Agent Smith in the Matrix movies and the old elf dude in The Lord of the Rings. Draped in a cape and 'Three Musketeers' outfit, V is essentially a gay Batman. I mean that in the coolest sense (there is also this underlying government persecuting the homosexual community theme which could have been a clever stab at our current government, but I was so lost in the poorness of this film that any message sent was lost). His fight scenes are like a dance, and he tosses knives at his adversaries while spouting Shakespeare. The cool factor begins and ends with him. Perhaps if they spent some more time focused on him and his crusade rather than trying to pillage novels of old, the movie would have been moderately entertaining. V for Vendetta went so far as to actually steal the evil leader on a big screen theme (John Hurt plays Chancellor Adam Sutler, who is viewed almost entirely from a giant screen) from the old Apple Computer commercial that first introduced us to the Macintosh during the 1984 Super Bowl. The funny thing is, V for Vendetta is nothing more than a ripoff of that commercial that aired in 1984, and was inspired by the George Orwell novel "1984". I managed to find a link to that commercial so you can view it for yourself here (and save yourself the time of sitting through this giant pile of horse shit). So essentially Alan Moore is the English equivalent of Quentin Tarantino. Rather than stealing his ideas from Asian cinema of the 30's and 40's, Alan Moore rapes the halls of classic literature.
V for Vendetta at the end of the day is nothing more than a collection of old ideas, history and current events, packaged within some plagiarised literature and regurgitated onto the big screen in an failed attempt to deliver a message. The message? That you just got fucked out $10 and 133 minutes of your life.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
When is enough finally going to be enough? There was a time, when I found Ben Stiller hilarious, before he perverted himself into the American version of Hugh Grant, banging $3 whores in the back seat of an Aries K parked in the hills of L.A.....oh no, I meant rather mimicking his acting style, bumbling over his words, nervously fighting his way through awkward moments and essentially playing the same exact character movie after painful bad movie. Zoolander may well have been Stiller's high water mark, but I look at this film much the same way Morgan Spurlock must have as he glanced at that final Big Mac on Day 30 of Supersize Me.
Zoolander was the launchpad for many more bad movies that saw Ben Stiller as the vehicle that delivered much more interesting characters, and infinitely more talented personalities than himself. Case in point. Stiller's character Derek Zoolander, while mildly amusing was completely outshined by co-stars Owen Wilson playing Hansel, and Will Ferrel appearing as Mugatu. A classic representation of the Ironside Agenda.
Zoolander dives into the world of male models and paints them as unintelligent, narcissist assholes. That's as bold a stroke as making a movie about Hitler and portraying him as an individual who was less than fond of the Jews. However Zoolander explores a conspiracy that dates back to the time of Lincoln, where male models are brainwashed and transformed into assassins. John Wilkes Boothe the original male model, assassinated President Lincoln for freeing the slaves, and thereby destroying the fashion industry's means of cheap labor. Present day, the Prime Minister of Malaysia is preparing to introduce a new set labor laws that will effectively put an end to sweat shops in that country. An underground global fashion union decides that the Prime Minister must be stopped, and a male model must be used to assassinate him or risk losing their affordable means of manufacturing and production. Enter Derek Zoolander. Played by Ben Stiller, Zoolander is an idiot, bordering on mental retardation....but the man is hot. Swayze hot! And in our society that's all that matters. Who cares about substance and personality as long as the package is wrapped tight and presentable.
Zoolander's nemesis is Hansel, an up and coming young male model played brilliantly by Owen Wilson, who threatens to usurp the former's status in the world of male modeling. Effectively doing so in the beginning of the movie, Hansel wins the Model of the Year, and sends Zoolander down the dark path which will forever dominate his destiny. He briefly retires for about a day, until leading fashion designer Mugatu, also magnificently portrayed by Will Ferrell coaxes him back into the fold to model his newest clothing line. This gesture by Mugatu was merely a beard, designed to bring Zoolander in, and brainwash him into an assassin. The same assassin that will be used to take out the Prime Minister.
After half a movie of rivalry, which included a walk off (something male models do when they disagree....that and mounds of coke), Zoolander and Hansel team up to stop Mugatu....right after a few cups of hash tea and an orgy in the dirt room. Nice! Once united the duo manage to thwart the evil plans of Mugatu with some zany and witty escapades and save the day.
Following the 2001release of Zoolander, Stiller has gone on to do more movies in the past 5 years than Kirk Douglas has done in his entire lifetime. Prior to Zoolander he had already reached his saturation point with Something About Mary, Mystery Men, and Meet the Parents (not to mention countless cameos in other films and television shows), but following Zoolander, the list continues to grow like an inoperable tumor. The Royal Tennenbaums, Along Came Polly, Starsky & Hutch, Envy, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Meet the Fockers, a voiceover role in Madagascar and as previously mentioned, countless cameos in other films and television shows. His pre and post production list is absurd, with almost 10 films awaiting their release on the big screen. We have all been Stillered.
Zoolander is definitely worth the viewing just to see Owen Wilson and Will Ferrell shine. These two are brilliant, but should both proceed with caution because they are both in danger of being Stillered themselves. However, their appearance in this film does warrant 2 extra Hamlins. Well done gentlemen. Well done indeed.
Hamlin Grade: 2
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
"Put the bunny back in the box." Sound advice if you want to live through this movie. "Put the movie back on the shelf" is sounder advice if you want an enjoyable evening of movie fare. Nicholas Cage started his career as a fine character actor in such films as Peggy Sue Got Married, Raising Arizona and Moonstruck, but then he went and won an Oscar. What did he do with his enlarged fame and Hollywood clout? He made three bad movies in a row: The Rock, Con Air and Face/Off. Con Air falls in the middle of this triumvirate of bad films, and in my mind, is the worst.
The movie starts with Cage's character, US Army Ranger Cameron Poe, heading back home to his expecting wife after a tour of duty. What kind of romantic evening lies in wait for the newly reunited couple? Dinner for two? A weekend getaway? Just snuggling on the couch? Why would you do that when you could simply meet her at the dive bar she works in while she's still mid-shift? Drinks and townies are flowing freely and it doesn't take long before a few of them pick a fight. Poe deftly defeats all three of them with his super Ranger training, but when one of them pulls a switchblade (A switchblade! Perfect!), Poe has no choice but to shove the man's nose up into his brain. Being that he's essentially a lethal weapon, he is given a sentence of seven to ten years.
How does he spend this time? Very wisely as can be attested to by the voice-over sequence that follows; a voice-over that calls attention to a truly sub-par southern accent. He spends his time learning to speak Spanish, perfecting origami, and growing the worst long hair since Michael Bolton. In case you wondered, having a dramatic receding hairline and growing a mullet is not a good combination. But good times lie on the horizon; he's on the eve of being paroled just in time for his birthday which also happens to be the birthday of the daughter he's never seen. What could possibly go wrong? It's like being a police Detective taking a call on his last day.
Seems good old Cameron needs to make one last trip before he can see his beloved family again, and this trip is on a plane with a who's who of depraved criminals. The casting director attempts to give us a stunning array of baddies, but Christopher Watkin and Dennis Hopper must have been busy. We are left with John Malkovich (Cyrus 'The Virus' Grissom), Ving Rhames (Nathan 'Diamond Dog' Jones) and Dave Chappelle (Joe 'Pinball' Parker). Don't recognize the other baddies? No worries. Like a Star Trek trip down to a planet with a few crew members you've never seen before, they won't be around for long.
Poe is given several chances for getting off the plane, but he's just too damn noble. He's got double duty trying to save Guard Sally Bishop (Rachel Ticotin) from getting raped, and trying to find insulin for fellow inmate Mike 'Baby-O' O'Dell (played by Mykelti Williamson, he of Bubba fame from Forest Gump.) Normally this is the time a great portrayer of villains such as Malkovich would take over and entertain us for a while, but alas, he's not even terribly clever.
Nor is the movie. The plane has to make another stop to pick up more baddies (we just killed off too damn many, too damn fast, and we're in danger of killing off the important ones), where we meet the only enjoyable character in the movie; Garland 'The Marietta Mangler' Greene, played by Steve Buscemi. As you may have noted, even their sobriquets are lame. Garland also threatens to be lame as he shows up in a get-up that leaves no doubt that he's supposed to be Hannibal Lector. In a shameless bit of movie script rip-off, Cyrus actually tells Garland, "Love your work." But Buscemi has his moments, his most clever one being uttered once they are again mid-flight and celebrating to the stylings of Lynard Skynard, "Define irony; a bunch of idiots dancing on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash."
All of this leads nowhere, and we're left with no doubt as to the outcome of the film, it's just a matter of how much stuff they can blow up before that time. Oh yeah, and it wouldn't be a Bruckheimer film unless someone dove through a piece of glass with a gun, narrowly avoiding a fireball. Nor would it be a Bruckheimer film unless it had some lame ending. Our rag-tag crew of ruffians has to make an emergency landing on the Vegas strip where miraculously no one is killed (which is amazing considering that my confirmed death count for this film sits at thirty), and after much confusion, Cyrus and a couple of his ruffians make their escape on a fire truck and head into a tunnel with Cameron giving chase. Can anyone say climax to Mission Impossible? Cyrus finally meets his demise not by having his body crash into a restaurant which abides in an overpass, not by falling though electrical wires, nor by his subsequent fall to the street. No he has his head smashed by a rock crusher which conveniently happens to be in the area.
Ultimately this is not even bad enough to make a good view for BMK. Not enough enjoyable characters, not enough enjoyable dialogue and not a single breast. Buscemi and Chappelle bring this film up to two Hamlins.
Hamlin Grade: 2
Big Daddy Yum Yum
The inability to turn on the television and find a movie or program that does not involve Ben Stiller, is to be Stillered.
The norm of late within the Hollywood community, is that when an actor appears in a hit film, they immediately go and sign on to every project in existence regardless of script quality or personnel involved with that feature. The object is to reap the rewards of said hit movie in order to cash in before the actor is no longer the flavor of the month. Many actors and actresses are following this new formula set forth by their sensei, Ben Stiller. When you begin to see them and hear them in everything you watch...you have been Stillered.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Prior to 1987, the Fox Network was nothing more than an 'also ran' station that provided a venue for out of date television series and movies of the week. Who could forget Sunday's that seemlessly blended the outdated escapades of Abbott and Costello with liberal helpings of Olympic swimming sensation Johnny Weissmuller swinging from vine to vine as the lord of the jungle, Tarzan. Saturdays were also a day to reflect as we were treated to hours of Kung Fu Theatre, with the occasional seasoning of an episode of Laurel and Hardy. Then in late April of 1987, the Fox Network embarked on a campaign that would forever change the way we looked at the network and television in general.
Launching an all new line of programs designed to compete with the big 3 (CBS, NBC, and UPN...just kidding, ABC), Fox presented it's flagship shows, Married with Children, The Tracy Ullman Show, which later spawned the Simpsons, 21 Jump Street, It's Gary Shandling's Show, America's Most Wanted and of course COPS. Plowing into the 90's like Tony Montana into a desk covered in cocaine, Fox came out swinging with Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place, Party of Five, The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. and finally The X-Files.
Having never really watched the show except on the very rare occassion that I wasn't out tossing my liver onto the bar alongside Fletch's, The X-Files was immediately embraced by losers who had nothing better to do on Friday evenings. The X-Files ran well into the new millenium and was apparently popular enough to grant the franchise it's big screen debut. Which brings us here.
In 1998, much to the joy of virgins everywhere, The X-Files - Fight the Future appeared in theatres across the nation. The movie itself is nothing more than a 121 minute commercial free episode. Again, never having suckled the teet of The X-Files, this movie left me with little desire to begin watching the program afterwards. The attempt was made however, and I found the program as confusing and uninteresting as every David Lynch movie ever made.
The X-Files - Fight the Future begins with a couple of Neanderthals fighting an alien in a cave during the Ice Age. Oooh. This conspiracy obviously has legs that date back to the prehistoric era! Cool. I guess. One caveman is felled by the alien while the other apparently subdues him.....only to realize that this Invasion of the Body Snatchers rip-off actually transferred it's essence into the caveman. Cut to present day and we find a group of kids playing until one of them falls into a sinkhole (who could forget our love affair with children of 1990's that enjoyed plunging to their deaths week after week in wells?). The kid, who is actually the quaterback from Friday Night Lights finds the Neanderthals skull and he is infected with the alien body snatcher. A couple of fireman show up to the rescue and they too join the young boy in his doom.
We finally meet Special Agent Fox Mulder (played by David Duchovny) and Special Agent Dana Scully on the roof of a skyscraper investigating a bomb threat. The bomb threat is the first in long series of events designed to hide the truth from Mulder....that he is an amazingly boring and dry individual. Frankly, roadkill has more personality than these two dipshits. Back and forth with 'Scully there's a global conspiracy here!' and 'Mulder there must be a scientific explanation for all of this!'....we get it already!
The short of the plot is that there is a virus dating back to the time of the dinosaurs, that represents the first inhabitants of the planet earth. A group of Illuminati like assholes are trying to cover up the fact that this virus will inevitably kill all human life so that these aliens may reclaim the Earth. Once infected, the virus transforms humans into cocoons where the aliens may gestate within while feeding off the innards of said host. Very similiar to the Atkins Diet.
The X-Files - Fight the Future eventually pits Mulder against the evil group of conspirators, the U.S. Government, and to a certain extent, Scully. Thankfully she get's infected halfway through the film, and carted off so we don't have to listen to her devil's advocate bullshit retorts to Mulder. Mulder, on his own, through the assistance of a few creepy old men winds up at the North Pole, or Antartica....it's some place cold and covered with snow....I was losing interest at this point. Falling through the ice (this well / hole theme comes full circle) he discovers the Alien ship. Within are hundreds of human cocoons in various state of transformation. I assume this is where all you mid west guys go after a good anal probing. Surveying the cocoons he manages to find Scully and free her, which sets off some alien alarms and forces Mulder to carry her fat naked ass out into the snow before they are killed by falling ice, debris and Taun-Tauns . On the surface they witness the launch of the standard alien mother ship that looks like a cross between the crafts from V and Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
The X-Files - Fight the Future ends predictably with the bad guys setting up a new base of operations in the desert of some foreign nation. This I can only assume would lead into another vapid 4 years of television, before Duchovny got too cool for school and helped bring about the show's end so he could go onto a career of general obscurity.....unless you count his starring role in Playing God (which no one saw) and his cameo in Zoolander (where I had a bigger part). Pulling a page from the David Caruso school of entertainment, Duchovny is undoubtedly waiting to star in his next hit TV series CSI: Newark.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
This marks the last time I will be returning to the well of No Retreat No Surrender. My last journey to this virtual oasis of talent brought us face to face with Don 'The Dragon' Wilson in Ring of Fire 2: Blood and Steal. With this review of Bikini Summer, this experiment can only be concluded as a complete failure. Or perhaps an unprecedented success!
How did I wind up at Bikini Summer? Here's the 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon on that. Kent Lipham. Who? Yes Kent Lipham, the actor who exploded onto the big screen with his portrayal of Scott in No Retreat No Surrender, continued to dominate Hollywood for 5 years. His last movie was actually a little known film called Across the Tracks, which stars Bad Movie Knight's own Brad Pitt and Rick Schroeder (a movie I'm sure they would both love to forget....can you say Aniston Effect...ironic no?). Mr. Lipham like his cast mate Dale Jordan was one of a very few to move on from No Retreat No Surrender. Thankfully his advance was stopped cold in 1991. You can see his very limited filmography here.
My quest for more bad movies through the harvesting of other bad movies has unearthed a beauty. Bikini Summer is everything you'd expect it to be. Plotless, directionless, void of actors and liberally seasoned with bare breasts generously packed with silicone. The major selling point of Bikini Summer is that it stars the versatile (not really) Shelley Michelle! Who? Exactly. Shelley Michelle's claim to fame is that she was the horse-faced bitch who played the body double for Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. What I don't understand is why didn't the director hire a face double for Julia Roberts as well? Let's be honest folks, it looks like this botox reject walked into the plastic surgeon's office and said "Doc! Make me look like a Grouper!". However I digress. Bikini Summer is about a group of douche-bags who are hired by an old couple (and even bigger douche-bags) to redecorate and paint their home (conveniently located on the beach) while they go on vacation. The crew runs the gambit as far as personality and short term summer goals. Cheryl, is a brainless whore who is looking for love and enjoys parading around naked for 90% of the film. She could also be a body double because her face would look better with a steaming shit curled on it. Chet pretends to be a celebrity photographer to lure unsuspecting ladies out of their swimwear and onto his penis. Shelley Michelle plays Jazz who is the lead singer of an all girl rock band. Richie is one of those 'Save the Earth' dickheads who end up doing more damage than good to their cause because they are so fucking irritating. Rachel is a depressed swimsuit designer who dresses really frumpy, but is obviously pretty hot, but no one realizes it till she shows up wearing a swimsuit made of dental floss. And Mad Dog, played by our hero Kent Lipham sits on a couch the entire film drinking beer. He doesn't even have one line in Bikini Summer, unless you count two belches (which I think are the same one, just replayed twice).
Bikini Summer combines these gourmet ingredients and serves it up piping hot on a platter of outright badness. The cast goes about their separate ways, individually achieving nothing except for heart ache and dissapointment (essentially the exact emotions I shared throughout the viewing of this shit) until they realize the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. They unite for a bikini contest, in which the tree hugger can promote 'Save the Earth' crap, the rock band can perform, the fashion designer can display her swimsuits, the whore can show off her ass and fake breasts, and Chet can photograph it all to reach climax.
Bikini Summer is one of almost 90 films with the term 'bikini' nestled somewhere in the title. I can assure you that is most likely the worst of said group. However that would be like comparing 90 steaming mounds of cow dung and trying to decide which one smelled most like my ass after an evening of dining on Tex-Mex, White Castle and Meister Brau.
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
It's kind of salty, like eating a steak while having a bloody nose. If it's your first time, you must drink. Don't fight it, quench your body while simultaneously quenching your thirst for bad cinema.
You'll thank me as you witness the power and the glory that is Red Dawn. Once you've seen it, you'll have the spirit of the hunter with you always! This 1984 classic takes advantage of this country's greatest fear at the time; a Communist invasion!
Yes, remember a simpler time when we could concentrate our anger on just one country, the good old U.S.S.R. Red Dawn wastes no time with a whole lot of background. The movie opens with Soviet paratroopers landing just outside a small town High School as students settle in for their morning classes. The history teacher goes outside to investigate and is immediately gunned down. At this point a group of students decides it might be a good time to vacate the premises and head for the mountains where they can live out their dreams of waging guerilla warfare! Taking on the name of their High School mascot, the Wolverines strike fear into the hearts of those pinko commie bastards!
As mentioned in Pat's review, Red Dawn is the second installment of the Outsider series. You may recognize some familiar faces from the original. Sweet Swayze returns as the headstrong leader of misfits, and how could you forget that no good "soc", played by Derren Dalton (the Benidict Arnold of the group.) Of course we have the return of the great C. Thomas Howell, need I say more? Unfortunately, Emilio was too busy making Repo Man (an actual good movie which is a complete aberration in his career, marring an otherwise perfect record of making truly horrendous movies) to reprise his roll as "Two Bit." However, this didn't stop his co-star, Harry Dean Stanton and his brother Charlie Sheen from contributing to the shameless propaganda film that is Red Dawn. This movie also unleashed the awesome acting fury of Jennifer Gray, Lea Thompson and Pat's favorite, William Smith as Colonel Strelnikov.
Like its predecessor, Red Dawn is a vehicle for a slew of young actors who would hold audiences hostage with their bad performances for well over a decade. If you desire a Soviet/Cuban-invading-USA-coming-of- age action flick, look no further! Wolverines!!!!!
Fletch is a killing word!
M. Night Shyamalan, ok we get it. Your movies have become so formulaic that your hip cool surprise endings are no longer a surprise.
The Village is about a group of pilgrims living in a back woods community during the 1800s. Or is it? No. It's actually a group of derranged assholes living in a National Park Reserve during the present day, in an attempt to escape the woes of society. There I have now effectively spoiled the movie for you. Allow me to ruin them all:
In the Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis is actually dead the entire movie.
In Unbreakable, Samuel Jackson is the bad guy and was responsible for the train accident that should have killed Bruce Willis.
In Signs, water kills all alien life forms and tin foil hats are fuckin rad!
The Village, obviously populated with people so dumb, that even Puritans from that era would have referred to them as overly superstitious. Believing that the Village is surrounded by a pack of Little Red Riding Hood Wolf-Creatures, they cower in fear every time some breaks wind. Wind, as a matter of fact, blows through these whistles cleverly peppered throughout the perimeter of this community's woods, creating an eerie Little Red Riding Hood Wolf-Creature sound. The result is back woods moron, pilgrim terror. Adrien Brody is an ugly fuck. This brilliant psychological moat, keeps the towns people from wandering from the community, and crushes all desire to seek out other towns.....such as present day Philadelphia. What a bunch of tools.
When Joaquin Phoenix is injured and requires 'medicines', they send the town blind chick for help. That way the lie they have perpetuated won't be realized. She of course leaves the town, travels through the woods, and is picked up in an SUV by a Park Ranger who works for another asshole park ranger played by M. Night Shyamalan. Another fragment of his templatized movies, is that he must insert himself into every movie. Yeah we've never seen that before....Stephen King, Oliver Stone....very original.
Wow what a surprise! The surprise factor has really worn thin. Without it his movies would be excrutiantingly boring. I'm talking Major League Baseball boring. With it, his movies are still excrutiantingly boring....the Village, epitomizes this. Try making a movie without using this overplayed cinematic tool...then you will impress me. Until then, you will be nothing more than a guy who saw 'The Crying Game' and then declared 'hey that gives me a great idea'.
This guy is two teaspoons away from transforming into Kevin Costner. Talk about believing your own bullshit. His next movie should be called 'Being M. Night Shyamalan'. The Village sucks....and so does your American Express card commercial.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
What happens when a shopping center decides to install a computer system which controls robot sentries by remote? Then what happens when an electrical storm wreaks havoc on this computer, reprogramming it and causing it to revert to it's natural evil state? If those questions don't boggle the mind, how about throwing some sexually promiscuous young adults in the mix? What do you get? Chopping Mall!
Right away, the stealth and cunning of these robots are revealed through a marketing film presented by some security corporation. The sales pitch works, and the mall's council agrees to install the state of the art security system, a system that will turn this consumer Paradise into a living hell!
"Fuck the fuchsia it's Friday!" These seemingly harmless words mark the beginning of a party that will end in a blood bath. Enter eight horny teenagers ready to quench their sexual appetite's in the mattress section of the furniture store after shopping hours. Well, not all of them are ready to get it on. Meet Marty and Alison, two uber nerds (or to use the nomenclature of the time "squares") who have been set up by their friends in hopes of pushing them into a sexual encounter. Thankfully for them, their shyness prevents them from taking the next step. As I'm sure you're aware, my faithful horror movie fans, the slasher rule of sex = death is in effect in Chopping Mall. Not only does their prudence save their lives, but if these two did reproduce, their spawn would have more hair then the Yeti. Marty's perfectly feathered lid combined with the power of Alison's humongous blond bouffant would spell certain doom for all of mankind!
The reign of terror of these misguided robots begins in the control room, eliminating controller #1 while he is checking out a centerfold and controller #2 shortly thereafter. With no one now manning the helm, the robots can carry out their murderous plans. The first of our party animals to go has his throat ripped open while trying to buy a
pack of smokes, proving again that smoking kills. The game is afoot and for their next kill the robots unleash their laser blasting capabilities. Taking a page from David Cronenberg's Scanners, Chopping Mall delights us with a gratuitous cranium explosion! Priceless!!
The rest of the kids split up, always a good idea. The ladies take to the air ducts while the gents take off to
Peckinpah's sporting goods to arm themselves. Our hero's soon find out that the robots are impervious to bullets and decide that if a compressed gas tank with a bullet through it was good enough to kill Jaws, then it should do the job destroying these recognized nightmares. Like any good sports store, Peckinpah's stocks an abundance of
propane and semi-automatic assault riffles. At this point, the ladies decide to leave the air ducts to help their beaus. This decision takes out the second tart of the movie, which leaves us with five targets of the meat variety. Needless to say, three more of the meatheads are picked off amongst the Slurpee machines and towel world. The moral to Chopping Mall is not to have sex in a store after hours while killer robots are on the loose. Oh yeah, and always hide a road flair in your cleavage, it might just save your life!
Chopping Mall is a smorgasbord of countless classic horror movies with an eighty's sensibility, and that is what makes this a bad movie worth watching. While viewing this movie I was impressed with the bare breasts to dead body count ratio, which inspired a new feature for the Bad Movie Knights called the Tit Counter. Whenever there are breasts shown we will be there to keep count so you may know what to expect. That being said, not all breasts should be seen, but Chopping Mall displays some beauties! It's juggtacular! Enjoy my fellow Knights!
Hamlin Grade: 4
Fletch is a killing word!
Let's do it for Johnny man! Let's not. Tell you what. Fuck Johnny, and fuck you too Dally!
It's the 8th grade, your English Literature class, and you have just endured 3 torturous months of dissecting an amazingly overrated book called The Outsiders. Your reward for this hell, that is only punctuated by the lack of air conditioning and your classmates who have yet to discover this turn of the century invention referred to as anti-perspirant ..... is a visit from the AV kid (AV stands for Audio Visual, for you guys not down with the lingo). Wheeling in a television that weighed more than a Pontiac Electra, our hero prepares our afternoon's entertainment (because no one else could possibly plug a TV in) by top loading a vhs tape into a coffin sized video player. The lights dim, the credits roll, and OH FUCK!!! They made a movie about this fucking piece of shit! Oh yes they did.
Similiar to Malcolm MacDowell in A Clockwork Orange, I sat in the back of the classroom screaming 'I'm gonna be sick'....but much like him, my cries went unanswered. The Outsiders. If a film could ever be one's nemesis, this one is mine. Beyond the fact that we had to read this mess, and of course discuss every minute detail to it's painful and bitter end, I had to watch it's adaptation on the screen. I can still here my teacher saying things like "Patrick, what was Pony Boy thinking while hiding away with Johnny?", and "What does the fight between the Greasers and the Socs symbolize at the end?" I'll tell you what you fucking bitch, Pony Boy is thinking why do have the gayest name in this book, and violence is apparently the most effective way to solve my problems as I grow up! Great lessons to instill in my fragile little mind. Maybe that's why I'm so angry today. Great job teacher.
Honestly throughtout this movie all I did was fantasize about being picked to play Asteroids on Channel 11, and yell PIXX, PIXX, PIXX over the telephone in a effort to blow away space rocks and win a tote bag that I would be too embarrassed to carry at school. What I did manage to ingest, was quite simple. The Outsiders is about a bunch of rejects from Grease, that end up fighting a group of douche bag models from a London Fog catalog. Any movie that casts C. Thomas Howell as the lead is destined to be awful, and this movie surely doesn't break out of that stigma.
C. Thomas and his best friend the Karate Kid, end up killing one of the Socs and have to go on the lam. They end up living in a pretty sweet place that is a major improvement over the home that is stuffed with some of Hollywood's future elite, including Matt Dillon, Patrick Swayze, Tom Cruise (yes Maverick is in this movie!), Emilio Estevez, and Rob Lowe. Dally (played by Matt Dillon) visits them and then there's a fire at a school house, so they try to rescue the kids, but the Crane Technique fails the Karate Kid and he is injured and has to goto the hospital. C. Thomas is consoled by the Coach of the Mighty Ducks and then they get together to have a big rumble with the Socs at the end, where he gets his ass kicked all over the place. That's the movie pretty much in a nut shell.
The greatest thing about The Outsiders is that everyone dies. Son of a bitch, if only that were true. However it's true greatness lies in the fact that C. Thomas Howell and Ralph Macchio got top billing over the rest of the cast, and who's careers faded faster than the stars of Troll 2. For all intents and purposes this movie is a glorified pre-quel to Red Dawn, another classic that is worthy of our vengeance. The only thing that the Outsiders taught me....is that I learned more by watching the Terminator.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Quest n. The act or an instance of seeking or pursuing something; a search.
If you follow the definition torn from the pages of Webster's, our quest has ended. Or has it? Well, if our quest was to seek out entertainment through the unfortunate viewing of performers who believe they are masters of their craft yet fail on levels so extraordinary that they make the French Military seem formidable....then yes our quest has ended. Or perhaps it has just begun.
The Quest, stars Belgium Martial Art's Superstar Jean Claude Van Damme (of No Retreat No Surrender fame) as Christopher Dubois. The cool thing about Van Damme, is that he caters most of the charactes he plays to his own heritage, thus giving ample explanation to us the viewer as to why he has such a thick accent. Unlike Schwarzenegger who tries desperately to pretend he's an American, and fails miserably....much like his soon to be extinct political career (what the fuck were you guys in California thinking? excuse me.. CallyFORNyah). Anyway, this is really where Van Damme's cleverness ends.....unless everyone in Belgium, is stale, emotionless, and half retarded, he is just plain awful.
The Quest is essentially Bloodsport, a movie that really brought him into the public eye 8 years earlier. Sure the writers try and paint a story around this one, and even manage to land Roger Moore and James Remar (the dude that played Ajax in the Warriors) as supporting cast members (I'm thinking this may have been an example of the Fonda Syndrome) in an effort to make this movie original. They failed. The Quest when it comes down to it, is a martial arts tournament where a big ass group of combatants get together to compare their cocks in hopes of winning a big gold dragon. Sounds just like the Kumite from Bloodsport, except for the gold dragon....and the cocks. By now you should already guess what happens.
Chris, enters the tournament (as I said before, there is a long waste of time getting to this point, so you should just fast forward to the fight, better yet, take the dvd out of the player and throw it away) and of course is an underdog. There is a giant guy named Kahn, who I think he fought in Lionheart, that will undoubtedly end up being Chris's final opponent. Kahn looks like Andre the Giant on steroids (I realize that is as redundant as saying Tom Cruise on cock (3rd reference to cock in this review by the way)) and is easily 100 pounds Chris's senior, but will that stop him? Probably not. I don't want to spoil anything for you, but I'm pretty sure Van Damme wins this one in the end.
Much like King Kong (the new Peter Jackson mess), The Quest wastes hours of time getting to the point. This film should have been 25-30 minutes of dudes beating the shit out of each other. As I said earlier, I would fast forward to the tournament, which in parts is pretty sweet. There are a couple of guys that look insane, and should probably be locked up, regardless of whether or not they have committed a crime. If they haven't yet I'm sure they will. The biggest crime however is the Quest. Thank you Jean Claude, thank you for taking another 90 minutes from us. I'll see you in hell sir.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
It was only a matter of time before we got around to sinking our fangs into Don 'The Dragon' Wilson. Ring of Fire2: Blood and Steel give us our first (and hopefully last) glimpse of this amazing martial arts superstar and actor (and I use that term ridiculously loosely).
Many of you are probably wondering why I didn't first review Ring of Fire 1 (and many more still are probably wondering why I submitted myself to this 94 minutes of auditory and visual rape) in favor of it's sequel Ring of Fire2: Blood and Steel. Well there is an excellent reason for that my friends.
About one month ago I was perusing the No Retreat No Surrender (this is the bad movie that launched Bad Movie Night, and our current #3 all time bad movie) cast list and exploring these stellar thespians film accomplishments. Much to my dismay, No Retreat No Surrender was the first, and last time many of these superstar performers ever graced the big screen. Aside from Jean Claude Van Damme and a handful of others, the rest of the cast has been swallowed by the maw of obscurity.
One actor, however, not only survived to act again, but has persevered within the Hollywood community. This gentleman's name, Dale Jordan. Mr. Jordan was made famous by his portrayal of Dean Ramsey in No Retreat No Surrender, the true nemesis of our hero Jason Stillwell (I argue that it was he and not Van Damme that was Jason's greatest adversary in NRNS, due to Van Damme's limited screen time, and the undeniable fact that Ramsey kicked his ass throughout the film). No Retreat No Surrender, although quite possibly his crowning achievement, was certainly not his last. Enter Ring of Fire2: Blood and Steel. Obviously satisfied that he had conquered the world in front of the camera, Dale Jordan sought out new challenges that ultimately brought him behind the scenes. Mr. Jordan has since become a Pornography Director the likes of which Ron Jeremy would even admire. If you have the time and patience, I highly recommend a viewing of Dale Jordan's filmography. The titles of some of the movies he has inserted his emotion into are the stuff from which legends are forged.
Ring of Fire2: Blood and Steel gets started by quickly re-uniting us with Dr. Johnny Woo (played by the great Don 'The Dragon' Wilson) and his fiance Julie. I say re-unite, because everyone here has certainly seen Ring of Fire 1 right? Of course you have. While debating potential destinations for their honeymoon in a jewelry shop, a band of armed assailants conveniently arrives to set the tone for what will clearly be an excrutiantingly painful hour and a half. Typically, they begin by shooting the manager who tries to sound the alarm, stealing some merchandise, and then firing at random customers (including Julie) before hitting the bricks to their escape vehicle. From moment one, this is where Ring of Fire2: Blood and Steel begins it's unabashed theft of other films. Julie getting shot in front of Dr. Woo is nothing more than a replay of every Death Wish that Chuck Bronson ever starred in, and of course, Dr. Woo, much like Chuck responds with deadly force. Kicking all hell out of the bad guys, and sending one of them to the ER. This particulary bad guy is the brother of Kalin (the bad guy) and like a plot ripped from Patriot Games, pulls the vengeance card on Dr. Woo. Plot twist!
After a long hard day of crescent kicking guys in the abdomen, Dr. Woo enjoys washing up and prepping for surgery where he can ironically enough, repair the damage done to Kalin's brother, and his fiance Julie. In recovery, much to Dr. Woo's and our relief, we find that Julie is going to be okay. Enter the Mullet Brigade. Dr. Johnny Woo has a posse. These rejects from an 80's breakdance movie arrive to lend their support to Dr. Woo, and Julie. Brad played by the immortal Dale Jordan is one of keystones of this moral support group. After a brief exchange of unmoving and pointless sentements they leave Julie to rest. Dr. Woo then runs into Kalin as they try to remove his brother from the hospital on a gurney. A fight ensues and Kalin accidentally sprays his brother liberally in the face with bullets from his uzi. This misunderstanding sets the stage for the rest of Ring of Fire2: Blood and Steel. Enraged by the death of his brother, Kalin responds in kind by kidnapping Julie from her room and taking her to the underground.
This is where Ring of Fire2: Blood and Steel kicks its plagiarism into high gear. The rest of this movie is a carbon copy of the 1970's classic The Warriors. Dr. Woo enters the underground (essentially the sewers of Los Angeles house an entire population of people) where he must fight through wave after wave of 'themed' gangs. Many of the gangs are exact duplicates from The Warriors, including a group that ride on skates, and skateboards, and another, that could have been 'The Lizzies'. The icing on this cake is the underground DJ that gives periodic updates on the progress of Dr. Woo, and also announces the bounty that will be given by Kalin for the Doctor's capture. Blatant ripoff.....and a poorly executed and watered down one at that.
Dr. Johnny Woo, eventually finds his way to Kalin's inner sanctum, which is a small arena where men can fight to the death. Kalin at this point has not only the kidnapped fiance, but now has captured the Mulleteers. Throughout, we are treated to brief glimpses of this little sanctuary, where men with considerable fighting ability are dispatched while Kalin watches on doing his little emperor of Rome thing. Dr. Woo's arrival is the battle we've all been waiting for, and boy does it deliver. Not really. To sum up, Dr. Woo and the Mullet gang save the day, and walk off into the sunset....via that old LA reservoir that is in pretty much every movie that is filmed in LA.
Ring of Fire2: Blood and Steel overall is a decent bad movie, in that the acting across the board is dreadful and the story, while pillaged from a library of other movies, still manages to be terrible. The fight scenes are a little disappointing, which is a shame, since this is really why the movie was made. To showcase 'The Dragon'. That's like making a movie with Kevin Costner and never showing his giant head. Had it not been for the amazing acting and emotion displayed by Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Ring of Fire2: Blood and Steal may have been lost. I'm just fucking with you. As a martial artist he does beats down all manner of bad guys and gang members...his acting....we are the ones who receive the beat down for watching it. Don you may be 'The Dragon', but your acting.....is 'Torture'. Oh sorry. 'The Torture'.
I was going to really be harsh on the grading here, but the hairstyle's alone deserve the extra Hamlin. Guys, the movie was made in 1993, not 1983. Drink everytime you see a mullet, and you will be wasted before the credits finish rolling.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Since the inception of this cathedral of bad cinema, we have sat through some really awful shit for you. Movies so bad, that Ralph Macchio himself would turn down scripts for them (actually thats bullshit, he would mow my lawn at this point in his career....which would be a nice compliment to Lorraine Gary who does my laundry currently). Today we have a Bad Movie Knight first. I have failed you. I have met my match in the form of Angel of Destruction.
To date, I have been able to view without interruption some sensational road side disasters.....but Angel of Destruction lasted all of 13 minutes before I rapidly excised it from my video player. I have not seen such awfulness since I watched the Bronx Executioner (which for the record I manage to view in total, however in fairness, I did so to get the name of the director so I could hunt him and his family down for taking those 2 hours of my life).
Angel of Destruction does of course contain some incredibly bad acting, and bad story, which are the cornerstone of bad movies, but it contains one giant fuck you to us, the viewers. The title is Angel of Destruction, which implies, yes this movie is most likely going to suck dead llama ass, but at least there will be some hot chicks and sex right? Nope. The 'Angel' is anything but. Actually she is butt. She looks like my ass. Come on. You couldn't find one attractive woman for this part? When I saw the cover, which boasted the tag line 'So hot she'll knock you out cold'.....I was immediately skeptical. She fails the hot part, and aside from passing out from sheer disgust at seeing her unclothed, there is no way this methodone clinic reject could knock anyone out.....unless her secret weapon is her breath which contains liberal helpings of whiskey mixed with the rotting smell of teeth, decaying from the over indulgence of cocaine.
Nudity. Sure there is plenty of it. And yes I only watched one quarter of an hour of this film. The nudity however, is provided by women, that should be wrapped up like mummies and buried in underground crypts for eternity. The breasts in this movie defied logic. Spanning the spectrum of natural breasts that looked like fried eggs, sunny side up style, that have fallen behind the grill onto the tile floor at some nasty greasy spoon, to medically altered franken-tits, that I could have done a better job creating with a power drill and a tube of bathroom caulk. Ladies, boobs aren't supposed to look like bottle nose dolphin heads.....unless you are trying to bang Aquaman you should obtain a refund. Back to Angel....ugh. The only way to keep from seeing her naked was to pull the tape out. I've gotten more aroused watching Faces of Death, and honestly less disgusted.
Heed this warning. This movie is bad, in a very, very, bad way. I would recommend something from our Costner collection before travelling down this highway of visual doom. Angel of Destruction. Fuck You.
Hamlin Grade: 0
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
I, Robot. I, Angry. I, Pissed Off. I, Shut off TV.
Will Smith can suck my ass! I, Robot. Granted this guy has been a part of some really kick ass movies, but in this case, Mr. Smith got his ass kicked. Can we for once have a movie about a cop, and his police chief that get along? The rogue cop, who's at odds with his superior officer is more played out than the fact that if you want to win an oscar all you have to do is play a whore, a retard, or a retarded whore. Has there ever been a movie where two cops actually got along? This would be complelling entertainment!
Will Smith's character Detective Spooner is apparently prejudice against robots. This is the theme of I, Robot. I bet you by the end of the movie he begins to see the error of his ways and will perhaps become fond of robots. Any takers? Prejudice in general is incredibly ignorant, but the basis for Detective Spooner's prejudice against robots is ridiculous. Put simply, a robot saved him from drowning, rather than saving a little girl, because the robot calculated that Detective Spooner had a better chance of survival. Robots lack feeling, emotion, and base their actions on logic....so let's hate them!
Ok, so we have an angry rogue cop, who stumbles on a conspiracy while investigating a murder that is committed by a Robot named Sonny. U.S. Robotics which is the Apple Computers of robot makers (the robots in I, Robot look like walking Ipods so I guess it's fitting) and are planning to release their latest version of robot, the Class 5. The dawn of this new robot, in Detective Spooner's eyes, will bring about the end of the world, and if Michael Caine is around, it will be the perfect time to get laid!
While on the investigation, driving home, the Robots try to snuff out Detective Spooner in something that looks like the Holland Tunnel on steroids. During the fight, he stops a robot from caving his skull in with a bar by blocking it with his arm.....which proceeds to spark! Detective Spooner is part cyborg! What irony! So this asshole is a robot and he hates robots. Man that is deep. Talk about character development. I guess this bionic arm and rib job (sounds like something you can get at the West Side Highway for $15, one bionic arm and rib job please) has become a daily reminder of the accident where the robot saved him, instead of the little girl.....so every day, he can have his little affirmation of hate.
Now to make life more difficult for Spooner, everyone thinks he is crazy, including his ass fuck Lieutenant. So he must charge ahead lone-wolf style and fight an army of robots and an evil corporation all by himself. As he investigates further, he discovers that it is not U.S. Robotics who is the catalyst behind this evil robot army, but rather Vicki. Who? Vicki I said. Vicki is essentially a female version of the Master Control Program from Tron. Remember that cool as computer that was the boss of Sark? Freakin' sweet. Anyway, Vicki's plan is to stop war and protect humans by essentially enslaving them.
Detective Spooner, the robot Sonny, and Doctor Calvin (I haven't mentioned her before because her character is pointless, and her acting is non-existant, she's like static on the radio) team up to drop nanites (miniature robots that feed on electronics) into Vicki, to destroy her. Vicki, sounds the alert and sends wave after wave of Ipods after Spooner and friends, but they save the day, and blah blah blah.
At the end of the day, Spooner now see's that not all robots are bad and can learn thanks to the actions of Sonny. It's as touching as watching the rape scenes from the Accused. I,Robot is another example of no matter how much money you toss at a bad movie, you still can't shine shit.
Hamlin Grade: .5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,