To fight your enemy, you must know your enemy. Knowing these words to be true, I began the long and painful journey that became Costner week. In preparation to "know my enemy," I discovered a new and equally powerful one...Blockbuster Video! Threatening any thing that is good and grows, this monster from a forgotten age just refuses to die.

Not being able to find the strength to own a Costner flick, I went to my local Blockbuster to rent two terrible movies for ten dollars. $10.00!!!!! It would have cost less to buy them! In fact I know it would have been less to buy them because I was three days late returning them.

Yes, I'm retarded for not having returned the movies on time, but the last time I went to a video store to rent, VHS had just won the tape war against BETA and laser discs were the newest craze, so cut me some slack, this kid has been out of practice.

Now you're asking, "Well, If he hates Costner so much, why wouldn't he want to return those movies as soon as
possible?" Listen, if you must know it took me two and a half days just to watch the Postman!! I couldn't endure the pain for three hours in a row!!!! I had to break it up into smaller sections of torture and thus ended up dragging it out. Now that I'm reflecting on all of this, maybe the three hour ripping off of the Band-Aid would have been better. I don't know!?! At any rate the viewing of Costner made me feel cheap and dirty. I suppose I didn't want to face the fact that I had rented the baseball loving cowboy, and thus put off the return.

Weeks later I find myself at the gates of hell to face my old adversary, Cruise. This time I wouldn't make the same mistake by renting, partly because I refused to pay those late charges caused by Costner. COSTNERRR WHYYY!!!!!! No, I've seen the light by purchasing the movies of stars the likes of Costner and Cruise. You can buy these movies for the same price as renting them, and when you're done with your sinful business, throw them away. By doing this you're helping others by cutting down the distribution of such harmful cinema. All this would be true if I was buying movies from anywhere other than Blockbuster! Fourteen dollars!!! And that's for previously viewed movies. I don't even want to tell you about those that are still factory sealed. These previously viewed movies (a.k.a. former blockbuster rentals) have developed the ambiance of an ice rink with no Zamboni, and can skip into your life for the low low price of $14.00!

Fletch is a killing word!