The Great Debate
Time: 12 noon, June 3rd
Event: Bad Movie Night
As posted a couple weeks ago the Bad Movie Knights themselves, got together for one of our semi-regular Bad Movie Nights, and this one was a 6 movie marathon. I personally believe that these men, of questionable morals, should be canonized for the efforts they put forth to do battle in the arena that is known as uber-bad cinema. Saint Bosh, Saint Duges, and Saint Fletch-Eat-A-Dick. All should have little dashboard statues made in their likeness' for what they endured on that day to bring you the best of the worst.
To recap, here is what was reviewed:
Troll 2
Cybernator
1990: Bronx Warriors
Hobgoblins
Spring Break Shark Attack
Dead Alive
Right now you might be asking yourself two questions:
Question 1: Why did it take almost three weeks for this article?
Answer 1. Well, it took two weeks for me to regain my sanity and equilibrium, and another week for my eye balls to stop bleeding enough for me to see my keyboard from the 12 plus hours of train wreck that was watched that day.
Question 2: What is this "Great Debate"?
Answer 2. The main objective of June 3rd’s Bad Movie Night was to decide what movie was deserving of our coveted top rating. You see, a challenger to the “Troll 2� crown raised it’s ugly head in the form of a flick called “Cybernator�. With two of the Knights each claiming one of the films as the worthy king of bad cinema, it came down to yours truly to break the tie, hence “The Great Debate�.
Here is what I observed.
Point 1: In “Cybernator� our leading man, Detective McCord, is played by Lonnie Schuyler, a truly HORRIBLE (And I mean that in a fantastically good way) actor puts up a performance on par with Michael Stephenson’s portrayal of Joshua Waits in “Troll 2�, but here’s the catch, Lonnie Schuyler is about 30 and Michael Stephenson is about 11.
EDGE: "Cybernator�. When your 30 year old leading man gets "out acted" by an 11 year old, well then I say you are well on your way to Bad Movie Immortality!
Point 2: Will Smith (not the one getting jiggy with it, but Conan’s dad) appears in “Cybernator� and his is a face that everyone over 20 will recognize from something, where as “Troll 2� has not one noticeable mug in it.
EDGE: “Cybernator�. Even with the vast experience of Will Smith, he brings absolutely nothing to the party known as “Cybernator�, and with the resume he has, to do NOTHING good for this film, it just shows you what a BAD piece of shit “Cybernator� really is, FANTASTIC!
Point 3: Costumes.... I really don’t know how to describe either, but...
EDGE: "Troll 2�, in “Cybernator� they actually “tried� and did OK with a character or two, “Troll 2� not so much trying, watch it and you’ll understand.
Point 4: Just imagine the worst movie you’ve ever seen, now cut the acting, talent, and budget in half and give one part to “Cybernator� and the other to “Troll 2�.
EDGE: Push
So what does all this scientific analysis boil down to? Who will wear the crown here at Bad Movie Knight? Drum roll please..... “Troll 2�
With all the advantages that “Cybernator� had going for it, “Troll 2� is still much more enjoyable to sit through and scratch your balls wondering how this piece of crap actually exists. Now if “Cybernator� just had that pop-corn scene.... Well that would be a different story.
Here are my final grades:
“Troll 2�
Hamlin Grade: 9.5
“Cybernator�
Hamlin Grade: 9
So, you may be asking yourself another question now, “Why only 9.5 Hamlins for the top spot?�. Well, like most other scientific explorations, when all is said and done, you often end up with more questions then when you started... Stay tuned for my pick for the crown of BAD MOVIE KNIGHTS!
You spend two minutes alone, and you feel shame.
Duges
Comments
Wow! Worst article ever written. It gave me a headache. Couldn't follow a single thing you were saying. Seriously, go back and read that and give yourself a negative Hamlin score.
Posted by: Big Daddy Yum Yum | June 23, 2006 03:17 AM
That was a little harsh Mr Yum Yum. For a side note, that last movie listed in the marathon is a legitimately good horror flilm. Peter Jackson dosn't hold back the gore in that one. I just couldn't watch a sixth that had no redeeming qualities.
Posted by: Fletch | June 23, 2006 08:41 AM
Yum Yum, would you have prefered I copy and pasted something from Tarantino?
Posted by: Duges | June 23, 2006 10:59 AM
You're completely missing my point. The article itself is a mess and in serious need of some editing. To be more plain; it's confusing and hard to read. As to you, Duges, this isn't my site. You guys are the ones that are supposed to put up the original content. I'm just here because I enjoy your site and enjoy contributing once in a while.
Posted by: Big Daddy Yum Yum | June 23, 2006 12:28 PM
Your right Mr. Yum Yum. I went back and read this catastrophe and I don't get it eather. I guess I was just excited to see him write anything at all, that I forgot to read it. You think he has given Cybinator the green light and then goes for Troll 2. You suck Duggan, we had to wait almost three weeks for this? Try cock, it may help.
Posted by: Fletch | June 23, 2006 12:37 PM
I guess you just don't get how it works, the worse the movie the better, so the more I outline something as BAD, the better it is.... I'll try dumbing it down for you next time.
And Fletch, as for the twist in my article, it's called the bait- and-switch, why reveal the end of your story at the beginning? It's been around for a long time, I figured you would be familiar with it, seeing as all your past girlfirelds (haha) would bait you into some sex and then switch to thier vibrator.
Posted by: Duges | June 23, 2006 12:51 PM
Hmmn, dumb it down for me? Gee, thanks, but I'm doing just fine. I think you need some help here, Doogie, so I'll go real slow so that you can follow along. I understand what the site is about. I understand that the worse a movie is, the higher the Hamlin score. I wasn't commenting on your grading ability, I was commenting on your writing ability.
On another subject, your wit has no equal. I love how no matter how slight a criticism you receive, you turn it into an attack on the giver. And the clever homosexual jokes never get old. I laugh and I laugh and I laugh! Seriously, where do you get your material? I understand that most comedians use material from their own lives, but I can't believe that is true in your case. You seem like a really nice heterosexual boy.
Posted by: Big Daddy Yum Yum | June 23, 2006 01:35 PM
Um, I think you have me confused with Fletch and the homo thing, Fletch is the one always talking about cock, I just retort to his comments, so try getting it straight when you want to insult someone.... and turning an insult back on the giver is the WHOLE point of an insult, if you can't get that then it's completely reasonable why you don't understand my article. And the fact that you just read that I was just about Fletch's past GIRLFRIENDS, and thought that was a homo thing, well then maybe sticking to picture books will work out best for a while.
Posted by: Duges | June 23, 2006 02:06 PM
I think you may have proved Mr. Yum Yum's point Duggie (I like that one.....Duggie.) Go back and read your last response and tell me if that reads well or communicates anything worth while at all. I'm with Yum Yum on this point, don't dumb it down any more. Oh by the way you might want to try cock, it may help.
Posted by: fletch | June 23, 2006 02:55 PM
"And the fact that you just read that I was just about Fletch's ahhhhhhhh I forgot my helmet today!" Take deep breaths Duggie.
Posted by: Fletch | June 23, 2006 03:02 PM
Yes, there is a typo in my last response, that makes things confusing, it should read like this "And the fact that you just read that I was WRITING about Fletch's past GIRLFRIENDS, and thought that was a homo thing" My bad....
And it communicates that insults are meant to be twisted back on you, don't you watch "Your Mamma"
And just because cock works for you Fletch, doesn't mean it works for everyone.
Posted by: Duges | June 23, 2006 03:06 PM
While we're here, maybe you can explain this..."Ever since, the rentals of millions of dissatisfied viewers have been subjected to the excessive sprinting of Maverick. "
You do know that you just said the rentals have been subjected to, not the viewers? Just one of many Fletch....
Posted by: Duges | June 23, 2006 03:14 PM
What would Michael Caine say?
Posted by: pat | June 23, 2006 03:42 PM
That is also a typo it should have been retinas. Thanks for the heads up. Let me know anytime. And what's this Duggie, is your cock broken? Mine works just fine! What would Michael Caine say?
Posted by: Fletch | June 23, 2006 04:06 PM
Oh, and by the way Fletch, you left 3 pairs of you oversized Jackie-O sunglasses on my kitchen table. And yes, Fletch is a man and wears oversized Jackie-O sunglasses... constantly.
Posted by: Duges | June 23, 2006 04:08 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHH he does! You have 2 pairs at my house as well!
Now what would Michael Caine say?
Posted by: PAT | June 23, 2006 06:20 PM
Michael Caine would say, "What's my motivation. No, just kidding."
Posted by: Big Daddy Yum Yum | June 23, 2006 08:17 PM
No shame here kids, I rock those shades! I'm sure Michael Caine would concur.
Posted by: Fletch | June 23, 2006 08:23 PM
Michael Caine has only one response, and it fits all situations...said response is:
"I'm Michael Caine."
Posted by: pat | June 24, 2006 02:00 PM