Patrick Swayze and Rob Lowe do for hockey players what Tom Cruise did for bartenders. Make certain that everyone thinks that they are gay. If the goal of the movie Youngblood was to paint a picture of homosexuals who occassionally enjoy ice skating.....mission accomplished my friends!

Youngblood re-unites former 'Outsiders' cast members Patrick Swayze and Rob Lowe in a tale of young hockey players trying to make it to the next level. Yes, Keanu Reeves is also in the movie, but this needs to be made clear. Whenever Youngblood is advertised on television it is done so falsely by stating that Keanu is the third star of this film. I had a bigger part in this movie. Keanu has one line, and he totally fucks it up (similiar to how Jean Claude Van Damme blew his 8 words in No Retreat No Surrender) by trying to speak with an accent of unknown origin (similiar to Kevin Costner's failed attempt at being English in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves).

Dean Youngblood (Rob Lowe) is a young American hockey player who gets an invitation to try out with a Canadian Junior team, the Hamilton Mustangs. Of course before he can leave he has to get the Uncle Owen Star Wars bullshit from his father that he needs his help on the farm. After some arguing and a little support from his brother, Dean is on his way! I know it's heartwarming.

Youngblood makes the team, after an impressive showing and a pummelling by Carl Racki (who will become his eventual nemesis in the film). From this point forward, Youngblood becomes Brokeback Mountain on ice. Apparently when you join the Mustangs, you must go through a ritual, which is nothing short of prison gang rape. Youngblood is accosted by his teammates, stripped down buck nekkid and secured to a massage table. Derek Sutton (Swayze) captain of the Mustangs appears wearing a jock strap over is nose and mouth, and with the help of the team, apply some Barbisol, and shave Mr. Youngblood's genitals. Hmmmm....gay....or psychic phenomenon? Gay! At this point being a farmer doesn't sound so bad...at least there you rape and shave the cattle, not the other way around.....unless you live in Wisconsin.

In order to redeem himself Youngblood finds solace between the legs of Miss McGill and Coach Chadwick's daughter Jesse. Although this turns out to be merely a beard because Youngblood's true colors shine when he faces his first test of adversity. His buddy Derek Sutton is intentionally injured by his nemesis Carl Racki and Youngblood, rather than face this challenge head on, packs his bags, quits the team and runs home to the farm.

After a few days of verbal (and probably sexual) abuse from his brother Kelly, Youngblood begins working out and training to learn how to fight. Within 48 hours, he has clearly developed the fighting skills of Rocky Balboa and returns to the team on the final game of the season against the Thunder Bay Bombers (Racki's team). Coach Chadwick (played by the great Ed Lauter) takes him back thanks to the encouragement of Sutton. Their is a long embrace. Wait. Ok embrace ends.....there is also a knowing glance, but maybe it's just me. It is Swayze we are talking about here.

Youngblood helps the Mustangs, scores a couple goals, gets a playoff shot, and puts the lotion in the basket. With three seconds left in the game, the Mustangs on top, Youngblood stays on the ice to face off against Carl Racki. Actually he refuses to come off and Coach Chadwick reluctantly agrees and also reminds him to watch his 'stick' (little inuendo there? I think so). Typically, Youngblood and Racki fight it out at center ice. This is probably the most predictable fight since Rocky 5, but what makes it funny, is the cornacopia of homosexual references that follow. This tribute to the Village People ends with Carl Racki stating 'I'm gonna shove that stick right up your ass"....then follows up with " You're mine Youngblood"....to which Youngblood retorts "I'm right here waiting for you Racki"....hot enought for you?

Not since No Retreat No Surrender have I seen a film better display the virtue that the only way to solve your problems is through violence, and I don't think there has been a gayer sports movie since Days of Thunder. If you are looking for a movie about hockey this is not your film. If you are looking for Swayze, hot man-ass, men shaving other men, stick fighting....well...look no further my friends. Look no further. Your movie is ready.

Hamlin Grade: 4

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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