REVIEW: Top Gun
Our salute to Gay Pride Month continues, as we the Knights of the Bad Movie bring you our review of the 1986 classic, Top Gun.
Top Gun was a breakthrough movie for Tom Cruise, because it propelled him to superstardom and also became the prototype template for all of the movies he made thereafter. Tom Cruise stars as Lt. Pete Mitchell, call sign Maverick. Again another important point about Top Gun, is that Maverick became the last character Tom Cruise ever played. Moving on from this film, he eventually used Maverick in every film he acted in after this.
Top Gun on paper is about a flight school designed to improve the dog-fighting skills of pilots (or naval aviators), but under the surface this movie is nothing more than glorified gay pornography. Loaded with sexual innuendos, some implied, other's blatantly thrown in your face (all over your face), Top Gun quickly evolves into a sausage fest in the air.
Maverick along with his partner and navigator Goose (played by the great Anthony Edwards....is it a coincidence that Maverick's partner's name is a term defined as 'grabbing another man's genitals' or perhaps I'm reading into this too much? Perhaps not.) are invited to the Top Gun Academy where they are united with a large group of fellow homosexual pilots. Maverick and Goose meet their eventual nemesis's (frustrated lovers) Iceman (played by Val Kilmer) and Slider (played by Rick Rossovich, a dude who's career includes being killed by Ah-Nuld in the Terminator and playing a Navy Seal, in ...um....Navy Seals) who they go toe to toe with throughout the film. The only woman at this bathhouse with wings is 'Charlie' played by Kelly McGillis, who has the sex appeal of a walrus with a mullet.
Top Gun jabs at us with some spectacular dog fighting sequences between the pilots and their instructors, one of whom is played by the great Michael Ironside. He plays Jester, and in doing so, this marks the first known occurrence of the Ironside Agenda, as Mr. Ironside manages not only to out act everyone in the film, but also portray the only heterosexual in the film. Preceding take off of one of these dog fights, on the runway, Maverick and Goose layout the one line that sums this whole disaster up. 'I feel the need. The need for speed.' Let me just say this. You feel the 'need' gentleman, but it certainly isn't for speed.
Top Gun is also seasoned with a very masculine volleyball game between Maverick and Goose, and Iceman and Slider. These pairs do everything together which makes me wonder what else they do besides fly planes and beach sports. This could be by far the gayest scene in the movie.....3 shirtless men (Anthony Edwards must have been adamant about not joining this sand orgy, thus being the only combatant wearing a shirt) playing volleyball while Kenny Loggin's sings 'Playing with the Boys'....wow! Innuendo, or right in your face? By the way, who the hell plays volleyball in their jeans? Oh yeah Maverick does.
We are also mildly distracted by a love affair between Maverick and Charlie, which while being a complete waste of time in Top Gun, does provide us an opportunity to go to the bathroom, get a beer, or mow the lawn. How Kelly McGillis became a femal lead is beyond me. The woman is not attractive, and she can't really act? I suspect she had some incriminating photos of director Tony Scott. Much like the movie Top Gun itself, her role is pointless and irrelevant. Frankly if this failed attempt at making Maverick appear straight wasn't in the movie, this film probably would have been a pretty decent air battle movie. However, this jacuzzi created by Top Gun is one they will never emerge from.
Fortunately for Goose he leaves the film with some dignity by dying (this is a spoiler by the way) and of course Maverick faced with adversity, quits like a pussy (see Youngblood, this is a recurring theme in these movies by the way, as our heroes have some problems then run away from them....teaching us that quitting is cool!) and runs away, only to have the head instructor have him say some nice things about his dad to inspire him to return and graduate from the Top Gun Academy. Try that at your job next time. Quit, and then come back a week later....I'm sure everything will be just fine, and your employer and co-workers will be waiting for you with open arms.
Top Gun does end with a pretty sweet air battle between us and those evil Russian bastards (remember it's 1986 so it's totally cool to hate them). It's funny how American made planes can sustain massive amounts of damage and either continue flying or leave it's occupants time to eject to safety. Not so, with Russian made jets. These flying Pintos explode if they hit clouds. The finale concludes with Maverick and Iceman saving the day, and then on the deck of an aircraft carrier, surrounded by hundreds of men....embrace. Long and hard.
As I said earlier, Top Gun, minus everything that doesn't involve plane battles would have been outstanding. However, it's loaded (and I mean loaded) with much more than that...and thus robs itself of multiple Hamlins.
Hamlin Grade: 2
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,