Somewhere in Texas, at an underground army base, everyone is mysteriously killed. Well, the mystery is how the fuck these jackasses can't recognize a bee sting, let alone hundreds covering these soldiers that are dead. Also, bees die when they sting, so why weren't there any dead bees on the bodies? Because these are African Killer Bees, and the only thing that can stop African Killer Bees.....Michael Caine.

The Swarm is a late 70's masterpiece that pits man and against nature...and nature kicks the shit out of us (really just some redneck marry your sister town in South Texas that probably would have bred itself out of existence anyway, oh and Houston...but Houston...come on....that's like Deliverance with skyscrapers). The Swarm starts off at the site of this military base accident, which is just a stone's throw from Bangyourfatherville, Texas....a small town, which looks as though it was the same set used for the Dukes of Hazzard Television series. In this quaint little town, are hundreds of people you couldn't possible give a shit about. And if you do...get over it fast because the one cool thing about The Swarm, is that no one is spared. Women, children, pets...you name it...DEAD! And when you think you can escape by train....WHAM!! The Swarm strikes! Dolph Dolph!

Michael Caine arrives on the scene from a closet in the military base. Instantly exuding cool. He is immediately at odds with this asshole General, who's authority gets usurped and given to Caine...because he knows bugs. He also knows the ladies. This son of a bitch is so cool and calm (sporting a 1978 leisure suit that would still look kick ass today), that he bites the heads off of United States Generals, plots to destroy this massive swarm of African Killer Bees, and still manages to sweet talk to the ladies into givin' him some sweet Caine lovin'. Every time there is a pause in the action...Michael Caine is trying to work the ladies out of there panties.....the end of the world is happening right out side his door....but Michael Caine is still trying to get laid. That is so fucking cool!

The General has to be one of the most blatantly racist characters ever put on film. A first viewing of this film, you might disagree. But I am bad movie expert. The General, never refers to the bees, as African Killer Bees, Killer Bees, or just plain Bees for that matter. Whenever he discusses them, he calls them Africans. Perhaps I'm reading into this a little bit, but why is the crusty old white man saying things like, "I'll burn every one of those damn African's out of Houston!".....hmmm....racist....I think so. Regardless, he's an asshole and he dies.

What's amazing is that the creators of The Swarm were actually able to coerce Henry Fonda into doing this film. I have a theory about this. This is the second time, this highly decorated actor has sunk to levels this low and appeared in a film that really had no business being made. Henry Fonda's first tragedy was Tentacles....now he returns in this piece of shit? This phenomenon can only be described as the Fonda Syndrome.

Honestly, as shitty as The Swarm is, this movie doesn't pull any punches ....in fact it goes out of hits way to hit you as hard as possible ....after the military base, the bees attack the small town and kill hundreds of these inbred mutants (including kids in a schoolyard YEAH!), then it attacks the survivors of the town on a train as they attempt to evacuate, effectively killing the entire town! Following the town, they attack a nuclear power plant which of course explodes and kills everyone in the towns nearby, then they move to Houston and kill everyone left alive there....after that, Michael Caine fucks all the bees and saves the day!

Michael Fuckin' Caine! Hell yeah!

Hamlin Grade: 4.5
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Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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