The Punisher. Yeah. Isn't the goal when remaking a movie to make it better than the original? Otherwise what's the point. So why in this 2004 version of The Punisher, when you double the budget and add twice the number of stars do you end up with half the movie that the original was?

First off. Remaking the Punisher, a movie that Dolph Lundgren rocked the house in borders on sacreligious. So you replace Dolph Lundgren with Thomas Jane? Yeah the man's in shape, but he's like 5'5" tall? It's the Punisher, not the Pussy.

Secondly. The one thing Marvel really has to understand, is that origins of characters in comic book based movies do not need to encompass the first 45 minutes of the film. Holy shit what a waste of time. Aside from completely changing the original origin of the character (Frank Castle's family was shot in a random gang shooting while on a picnic in a park) you wasted half the movie on it. Deliver the character's roots, and get on with the story. Same with the villians. Who cares how a bad guy became bad. All we need to know, is that he is bad, and he is fighting against the good guy.

This 2004 Punisher stars John Travolta as the evil Howard Saint who gives the order (it was actually at his wife's request) to kill Frank Castle's (Thomas Jane) entire family at a reunion, after Saint's son is killed during a gun smuggling operation, that Detective Castle set up. So, Saint's henchmen travel to Bermuda (or the Bahamas) and massacre his entire family, and I mean entire family. Uncles, Aunts, grandparents, cousins, nephews, etc. Ok that's the first 45 minutes of the movie. The Punisher hasn't even been created yet. Oh, almost forgot. Prior to the massacre, Castle's son buys his dad a gift. A black t-shirt with a skull on it. 'It's supposed to ward of evil spirits dad!" Really son? Does it. This is where I almost shut the film off. Now the Punisher is going to go around wearing the really cool skull shirt, killing all the bad guys who killed his son who bought him the really cool skull shirt. Clever right? Wrong.

The Punisher's first bad ass explosive scene. He goes to the court house and pleads to the District Attorney to make some arrests on those involved with his families killings. He almost whines. Dolph would have blown the shit out of that place!

Rather than go on a Punisher style rampage and mow down good fellas with artillery, the 2004 Pussy Punisher weaves a clever plan of deception against the bad guys who fall for it and eventually turn on each other. Are you kidding me? The biggest weapon he carries is a shotgun. Dolph was walking around with M-60's. Dolph's kung-fu is strong. Thomas Jane has no Kung Fu. This Punisher is a far cry from the original. I was expecting him to ground the bad guys at some points rather than kill them.

A word on John Travolta. He has slowly becoming a parody of himself again, and is ready to go back into another career coma like he did in the 80's. It's only a matter of time before he disappears again for a decade and some hip director picks him up and throws him into a film 50 lbs. overweight. Look Tony I'm dancin'!

If you want to see a good movie about the Punisher, avoid this 2004 watered down piece of shit. The movie itself is punishing to watch. Check out the original.

Somewhere, Dolph Lundgren is laughing.

Dolph Dolph.

Hamlin Grade: 3.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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