As if we needed another reason to hate those assholes up in Massachusetts.

The Perfect Storm celebrates the lives of dickheads who make their livings by harvesting fruit from the high seas. Problem is, this particular group of dickheads really suck at it. The Perfect Storm opens with the Andrea Gail being welcomed home to Gloucester, Massachussetts, by their families and lots of other people reeking of dead fish (for the record, I've been to Gloucester....the whole town smells like a dead whore's vagina). After pulling into dock, the Andrea Gail and her crew again produce a light load of swordfish, which has become a more frequent occurrence as of late (that's what we are led to believe, please understand that this film is part disaster flick, so character development is optional) because their Captain (played by George Clooney) has lost his touch. Oooooh....cursed as some of these supersticious old fish stick selling shitheads would have you believe. After a severe reprimanding by the boats owner (portrayed by the great Michael Ironside) Captain Clooney decides to set sail again in just a few short days. His crew is pissed, because they haven't had time to finish their drinking and banging their rancid bait covered wives.

So the Andrea Gail heads out to sea, in search of the swordfish that have eluded them....or at least have eluded their bad luck captain. After a few subpar days, the Captain decides to head to the Flemish Cap (some nautical destination that is apparently very far away from Gloucester....the crown jewel of the East Coast) in hopes of finding better fishing grounds. His crew, which is essentially the cast of Boogie Nights, bitch and moan like the Gloucester Men they are (this is term thrown around quite often in the film....apparently a Gloucester man is one who smells like dead ass and enjoys banging overweight toothless women....also there intelligence level is hovering in the mildly retarded range) but agree to travel to this ocean based Shangri-La.

The Captain's luck and the luck of the Andrea Gail, appears to turn, as they immediately hit paydirt upon arriving at the Flemish Cap, and haul in a copious amounts of swordfish. Then the Captain's luck turn's again as the ice machine breaks down, and all are in danger of losing all the fish they have needlessly slaughtered. By the way, this portion of the film is purely speculation, because, The Perfect Storm is based on a true story, and in this true story, these sorry ass individuals perished. Why did they perish....hmmm....either their captain was blessed with the worst luck on the planet, or was the dumbest mother fucker ever in existence. So lets continue with this dramatization of the truth....

The Andrea Gail's crew decides to return home and 'set the market' with their fully loaded boat, before the fish spoils. The Captain's luck strikes again! This is where the Perfect Storm enters. Getting it's name, because it is a combination of 18 different hurricanes all combining to create one giant super storm! But will this storm stop the crew of the Andrea Gail? Of course not, these are Gloucester Men! Gloucester Men as you know would rather tempt fate (fate in this case is in the form of 200 foot waves) than use something everyone outside of Gloucester likes to refer to as common sense. So the Captain, the Boogie Night guys, and the rest of the crew of Andrea Gail, end up dead. Nice work fellas!

By the end of this movie I was so pissed off at this collection of morons because of their complete and total lack of intelligence, that I began rooting for the storm. Why not just turn the boat around, dump the catch, wait the storm out, return to that rotting bait bucket of a town you call home, fix the ice machine, go back to the Flemish Cap, catch more fish, so you can do more coke, and then you are rich, and more importantly still alive you stupid mother fuckers! The only good part about this movie is that none of these assholes ever got to see the Red Sox win a World Series.

Of course, at the end, during many unmoving eulogies, Captain Clooney narrates his opening diatribe about the beauty and poetic life of swordfishing, which culminates with the final line "You're a God Damn Swordfish Boat Captain....is there anything better?" As far as career choices, I would say most definitely yes. Let's start at frie-cook at McDonald's and work our way up from there. The point being, that even on your worst day at McDonald's, and even if your manager is a Gloucester Man, the likelihood of you dying on that job, is minimal to none. Also, you would be making more money as a frie cook.

The Perfect Storm? Afraid not. The Perfect Storm would have turned Massachussetts into a lake, or at the very least completely destroy that chum covered stain called Gloucester. This storm is average at best, and I'm really being generous with that grade.

Hamlin Grade: 2.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond