Tom Cruise returns in Top Gun 6: The Last Samurai!

In this latest installment of the Top Gun series, Maverick has travelled back in time and is now a soldier with the United States Army. Maverick is now a drunken, broken down man, who is torn by the memories of what he has done as a soldier, and blah blah blah. Anyway you cut it, Maverick is running away again....this time, not physically to another destination, but rather via mental journey by hiding in the bottle. While doing this he manages to hold down a job selling Red Rider Carbon Action B-B Guns, and scaring the living shit out of all of the potential buyers. The movie opens with this classic demonstration....which apparently is the last straw for his employer, and he promptly fires Maverick. The most humorous fact here is that this is the first time Maverick hasn't quit.

As luck would have it, there is always opportunity available for Maverick, as he is introduced to a few Japanese gentleman who are so impressed, immediately hire his drunk ass to train their soldiers in Japan. Upon arriving in Japan he learns that they will be fighting a group of samurai, with his army of rifle bearing troops. Sounds like a no brainer, but apparently these Japanese are unable to shoot straight and get their asses kicked by the Samurai.

After the initial battle, Maverick is captured by the Samurai, and kept in the mountains to live among them. He is conveniently shacked up with the wife of a soldier he killed. Hmmmmm...can you say beard to be? Maverick eventually learns to overcome his alcoholism and begins training with the Samurai. I bet you didn't see that coming did you? Of course after a few months in the mountains, Maverick is now a master swordsman. It takes longer to get a degree at APEX Tech (actually, swordsman is one of the many courses available at that school). Maverick first proves his worth by getting his ass beat repeatedly by a Samurai who hates his ass (this is almost as good as Maverick beating the shit out Wilford Brimley in the Firm), and eventually earns his respect. Then Maverick helps defeat a band of plucky ninjas that attack the samurai village. He of course has no problem defeating these assassins that have probably been training for 20+ years.

After this battle of course his beard (the woman who has been housing him) is warm for his ass (ummm he killed your husband 3 months earlier bitch! way to show the love!)....and Maverick again has to pretend he is a heterosexual. Aside from having to sleep with the chick, Maverick is obviously taken with the Samurai lifestyle, and joins them in battle again, this time against the forces he was originally training....ironic huh? Well apparently the new soldiers were trained by someone better (in all fairness Maverick said they weren't ready prior to the last battle...not so this time), as they kick the shit out of the Samurai. Everyone dies except for Maverick. Spoiler Alert!

The Last Samurai, is essentially Dances with Wolves with an exact copy of a Braveheart battle at the very end. I shit you not. I think when Tom Cruise initially pitched the movie it was originally titled 'Dances with Ninja'. The battle at the end was in fact the first battle sequence from Braveheart. They just used CGI to map out Mel Gibson with Tom Cruise, and every Scottish guy was replaced with a Japanese guy. Brilliant! Luckily for them, Scotland and Japan are essentially the same type of landscape.

There's a poignant scene at the end. It's called the credits. You finally can breathe that sigh of relief that this three hour nightmare is over. Oh yeah, in the same vain of all Costner movies, this film tips the chronological scales at three hours so pack a lunch and a diaper. Anyway, Maverick gives the head samurai's sword to the emperor, who is so touched that he breaks all sorts of treaties and most certainly damns his nation for centuries to come.....or perhaps not....at this point I'm really making most of this up, because I was practically asleep. The Last Samurai will make you laugh, and it will make you cry. But mostly it will just make you cry, and probably give you an excrutiating case of diarrhea.

Hamlin Grade: 1

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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