REVIEW: The Firm
Tom Cruise returns as Maverick again! Maverick has left the navy, but not his love for the court room. Prepare for non-stop thrills and action in this fifth installment of the Top Gun series....the Firm!
By far the most blatantly ambiguous title to date, the Firm is the second movie in the Top Gun series in which Tom Cruise attempts to achieve that unattainable Academy Award. Maverick fresh off his tour of duty with the navy, and racing cars, finds himself in the fortunate position of being wooed by a huge Southern Law Firm. All manners of benefits and amenities.....and everyone on staff is gay, and orgies are encouraged throughout the day. Just kidding, this would be like Club Med for Maverick, but once again in the Firm, he must pretend to be a heterosexual. Thankfully his job is much easier than in previous films because his wife is portrayed by the very masculine, Mr. Jeanne Tripplehorn (you may remember her penis and testicles from Waterworld).
Anyway, the Firm starts out as a dream come true for Maverick until he realizes the law offices are actually in league with the mob, and the FBI wants him to turn State's Evidence against them....thus being disbarred. NO WAY!!! Maverick won't stand for that shit! Developing an elaborate scheme, that pits the FBI, and the Firm against one another, he decieves both to achieve his goals (no not winning an Oscar) which include helping his brother get freed from prison, and kicking the everloving shit out of Wilford Brimley! Yes, Brimley plays the bad ass head of security for the film. As you know, the best security personell are over 65, 350 pounds, and approximately 5 feet tall. This is the best part of the movie. Next to Dakota Fanning, I can't think of another individual I would love to beat like a can of crushed assholes.
The one highlight of this movie, is that Maverick never really quits. Sure he has a few down moments, and even has to hook up with a hot chick on a beach (which for Maverick must have really sucked) but he never really turns and runs. This breaks the cycle in the Top Gun series as the first time Maverick doesn't turn in to a nancy-mary pussy. Good Job Mav!
All in all this movie sucks. Other than Maverick beating the ass out Wilford Brimley, this movie is the weak link in the Top Gun chain. A chain that is already dangerously close the shattering. I award you no points Maverick, and may God have mercy on your soul. I will give you 1 Hamlin for kicking Brimley's ass though!
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Comments
The Firm! Ah, hah, hah! Perfect! Loved the review, especially your observations on Mr. Brimley, but I have to disagree with your Hamlin grade. This film posesses several aspects which move it past a one Hamlin mark. First, you've got Gene Hackman and David Strathairn, who make any movie they are in a whole lot better than it has a right to be. And I'm not even going to bring up Hal Holbrook. Oops, just did. And then you've got an albino hitman. I repeat: an albino hitman! That alone raises it to at least a two Hamlin mark. Wikpedia has a whole lot to say about this stereotype: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evil_Albino
And then, the thing that really moves this film up the ladder, and a point which I'm a little embarrassed that I have to bring up to you BMK boys, the movie features Gary Busey, a BMK poster boy! I'd say that all of that puts it in a mid-range Hamlin category. But while we're trashing the movie, allow me to bring up a Cruise point. A Cruisism? A Cruisin? A Cruisin for a bruisin? There's got to be a good word out there for the flaws of Tom Cruise. Have you noticed that he can't pull off realistic running in a film? Any film he's in, there's something not quite right about it. Clint Eastwood can't do it either, but for completely different reasons. Righteo. And that's about enough of that.
Posted by: Big Daddy Yum Yum | June 14, 2006 07:23 PM
I concur the Busey factor disserves at least a half Hamlin and the albino hit man another. I don't know about mid Hamlin range, not that entertaining to watch with a group. Two, maybe three Hamlins max. That is a good point about the running, which I was going to bring up. Perhaps three and a half Hamlins?
Posted by: Anonymous | June 14, 2006 10:34 PM
I'm not there yet, but I'm determined to find a glossary name for Mr. Cruise. Did an anagram search and here are some of the more interesting ones:
Sir Cut Moe
Is More Cut
Cuts Crime
Omit Curse
So Rim Cute
Scour Time
It Cum Sore
Rot Us Mice
And then my three favorite:
Moist Cure
Cum Sore It! (sounds like a backwoods curse)
I. O. Rectums
That is all.
Posted by: Big Daddy Yum Yum | June 15, 2006 03:25 AM
I like "it cum sore". For what I don't know, it just sounds naughty.
Posted by: fletch | June 15, 2006 01:28 PM