Our attack on mainstream Hollywood movies has been entertaining, but something has been missing. Hamlins!! It's been weeks since we have reviewed anything that deserves a rating of over three Hamlins. I felt it was time to get back to basics with a truly bad movie called Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone!

In the dead of space we hear the voice of Harold Ramis (bet you didn't see that one coming) relaying messages for our hero Wolff (Peter Strauss) who is lounging around on his spaceship. Apparently Wolff has accrued a large amount of debt back on earth and from the looks of it he's in no rush to pay it off, but wait...what's this? A distress call from three hot babes stranded on Terra Eleven and the reward for their rescue is 3000 mega credits! What are the chances that this Han Solo knock off can pay off his debt and get some action on the side? Wolff is torn, however, as he's not doing so bad floating around space with his sexy co-pilot Chalmers, who prances around in her nightshirt making repairs to the ship. It sounds like a little slice of heaven but there is all that debt to pay, so away we go to Terra Eleven!

Wolf lands on the quarantined E type planet (the PSI plague of 2011 has really made a mess of things) and tracks down the pricey chicks. They are being held by a bunch of dudes in trench coats driving a tricked out train-ship. This thing is on tracks and has a mast and sail, the whole nine yards! Just when Wolff and Chalmers are about to engage the Mad Max mode of transport, an army of cyborgs attacks and they quickly find themselves in the crossfire. Wolff, being the experienced bounty hunter that he is, jumps into the battle in hopes of snagging his prize and making a quick get-away. What he doesn't know is that the cyborgs have come for the three hot earth babes as well and they have air support to boot. But in what form? Airplanes? Helicopters? Zeppelins?

No, no, hand-gliders, my friends, powered by smoke cookies and flares! It's quite a sight to behold. The girls are whisked away to the planetary ruler named the Overdog, played by the great Michael Ironside. As Wolff rushes back to his ridiculous land vehicle he finds they have killed, or rather destroyed Chalmers. She was a sexy android! Wolff presses a button to melt the face of the already useless Chalmers (completely unnecessary, she was a sexy robot!) Now, armed with only his blaster, his retarded truck, and his wits, Wolf follows the cyborgs into the Forbidden Zone!

Along the way he picks up a young frisky native named Niki, played by Molly Ringwald. She teaches us the really cool dialect of Terra Eleven. The locals call bleeding blood loss. For example "We can not go on, she has blood loss." Thinking is referred to as brain works, and for a little derogatory term, we would be known as Earthers. This last one is my favorite and I'm sure it will become yours too. Try it out the next time your out with your friends; " Shove it Earther!" Nice!

After Wolf gives Molly Ringwald a whore's bath, he runs into an old colleague named Washington played by Ernie Hudson. A year after this film was released Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson team up as Ghostbusters! If it weren't for this gem called Spacehunter they may have never met.

I don't want to give a play by play for the entire movie for two reasons. First, I don't think I could do it justice and second, I really think you Bad Movie Knights out there should bask in the glory that is Spacehunter. It truly has everything! Mutants, Cyborgs, Motorcycles with cool roll cages, and midgets throwing Molotov cocktails. That's right I said it, midgets hurling firebombs! This movie also provides watery amazon tarts who wager that mating with Wolff would kill him (a bet he is willing to take.) Did I mention Michael Ironside as the Overdog! He likes his women smooth with no scars and it's better when they have all their limbs as well.

If all this hasn't convinced you (I don't know how it couldn't) the DVD has subtitles in English, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Chinese, Korean, and Thai! That's right, Spacehunter is known the world over!

Hamlin Grade: 6

Fletch is a killing word!