Roadhouse is a unique film, in that it is so much more than just a bad movie.

The primary purpose of Roadhouse is not to be simply viewed and provide entertainment, but rather it has been scientifically perfected as a Sexuality Test. The catalyst for this film, like a sphere of plutonium in a nuclear reactor is the chiseled, and well oiled form of Mr. Patrick Swayze. Following this simple 114 minute test you will know without question if you are heterosexual or homosexual. This is more commonly referred to as the Swayze Gauge.

Roadhouse stars Patrick Swayze as James Dalton, the worlds most famous bouncer. The joke here is that Swayze is a modest 5'5" and 125 lbs. soaking wet (he can hit 126 lbs. depending on the density of the liquid) and his performance as a head bouncer is as credible as Tom Cruise portraying a heterosexual. Dalton is wooed away from his current bar (where his mission has apparently been accomplished) by a rich club owner to be his head bouncer. The club he will now bouncing at is a class joint known as the Double Deuce. Mired in scandal, backwoods mafia control, and surly clientele, the Double Deuce is in desperate need of a feather weight bouncer known for his ability to turn clubs around and make them respectable so they can produce profits.

Dalton immediately weeds out the bad, and instills positive moral virtues in those that remain to form a keenly honed squad of bouncers. This however proves to be less than effective against his new nemesis, the personification of evil known as Brad Wesley. Wesley is more or less a Boss Hog type character who rules the town where the Double Deuce calls home with an iron penis. He is immediately cross with Dalton, because he has drawn the admiration of a young medical professional by the name of Dr. Elizabeth Clay (she stitched him up after his first altercation at the Deuce, and was immediately taken by him...Swayze has her). the same doctor who Wesley is wanting a peice of. Wesley then makes it his mission to destroy Dalton and the Deuce.

Dalton is not without help however. What does one skinny bouncer do when he is in trouble? Call on the your best friend who is older and skinnier than you to even the scales! Wade Garret arrives, played by the immortal Sam Elliot (and I mean immortal, this guy doesn't die, just like James Wood, they live forever...yes gentleman we are onto this little vampire cult nestled within the cockles of Hollywood) to lend Dalton a hand. After a few kick ass bar fights, the Double Deuce seems to have been turned around by the combined efforts of these bouncers (who are a combined weight of 190 lbs). Wesley turns it up a notch, but not before....yep you guessed it. Swayze doing half nekkid Tai-Chi lakeside.

This is where the Swayze Guage kicks it up a notch. Slowly performing his martial art expertise, on the banks of a lake, glistening in the early morning rays of the hot southern sun, Swayze defies you not to want a piece. I defy you as well. At this point men and women alike are powerless to resist the Swayze. Powerless I tell you.

Once your errogenous zones have sufficiently cooled you will realize that Dalton is now elbow deep in a battle against Wesley, not only for his life, but his new doctor girlfriend, the club and the entire town. We return lakeside, but this time in the alabaster glow of the evening moon, where Dalton is pitted against Wesley's right hand man played by Marshall Teague. I refer to this scene as Brokeback Lakefront. Teague stands little chance, even though he exhibits formidable resistance....Swayze has him. After dispatching him, Dalton heads to Wesley's palatial estate where in the inspired words of Arnold Schwarzennegger's Commando, John Matrix..."All fucking hell is gonna break lose". And break lose it does.

Roadhouse turns into the 1980's video game Kung Fu, as Dalton travels from floor to floor defeating bad guys and working his way towards the boss....Wesley. The fight is rather anti-climactic because Wesley is after all an old man, and compared to the pinnacle of human physical condition that is Swayze, is not equal to the task. However, a tired Dalton, is succumbed by rifle fire, till he is saved by a lynch mob of sorts, consisting of various towns people wronged by Wesley. Wesley ends up being spectacularly blown away Scarface style with all manner of firearms.

Throughout this movie, you will be constantly tested as to your level of attraction to Patrick Swayze. Grades of said attraction can range from "That Swayze certainly is flexible", to "I wonder what Patrick's mom is like?", to the more heated "Hey, Swayze has some great abs", and finally the "Boy would I like to knock Swayze to all fours and ride him like a Ducati motorcycle while being chased by Matrix Agents on the Santa Monica Freeway". If you feel any or all of these, then results are quite obvious. Swayze has you.

Don't feel bad, I've taken this test 13 times, and failed every time....depending on your point of view. Swayze has me.

Hamlin Grade: 4.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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