Much like my esteemed colleague and man-crush Fletch so poetically stated in his review of the classic Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, it is time for us to return to our roots and embrace the truly bad, and pay homage to the Patron Saint of the Bad Movie, Harry Hamlin. Call it a cleansing of the palette if you will. With that in mind I bring you Piranha 2: The Spawning!

This movie has it all. Not since the birth of BadMovieKnights.com have I seen a bad movie glorify so many of the principles we hold close to our hearts. Piranha 2: The Spawning represents the major motion picture debut of superstar director James Cameron (of Terminator, Aliens and Titanic fame) and thus provides us with a prime example of The Aniston Effect. Surely, this is a film Mr. Cameron would love to have excised from his resume. Piranha 2: The Spawning is also a blatant example of Guttenberg's Principle as not one of the original cast has returned from the original Piranha (which for the record was pretty decent, starring William Katt of The Greatest American Hero, and Soleil Moon Frye of Punker Brewster). The main character, Police Chief Steve Kimbrough played by Lance Henrikson, who for all intents pretty much copies Roy Scheider's portrayal of Chief Brody from Jaws, still manages to out act the rest of this coma-inducing cast, thus giving us yet another example of the Ironside Agenda. Henrikson did such a great job in this movie that he essentially became Cameron's 'Robert Deniro', and starred in several more of his movies like the Terminator, and Aliens.

Piranha 2: The Spawning is pretty much the same as Piranha...the military genetically engineer the fish as military weapons, they get loose nearby a conveniently located resort community and eat everyone. No real surprises right? Wrong. This time these Piranha are so well engineered that they can breathe oxygen (thanks to the lungfish), and can fly (thanks to the flying fish), so this ups the ante a bit.

A military science ship containing these amazing Piranha sinks just off the shore of this high priced beach resort, and take their time making their presence known. The ship, which has become a scuba diving attraction for the resort, and for idiot couples, who think it would be cool to bang underwater inside it, is a natural trap for us humans. Of course, after enough intrusions, the piranha venture forth and begin taking out random fishermen, hot nekkid chicks on sailboats (especially the ones that are mean to the retarded cook), and of course scuba diving enthusiasts. For the record Fletch is an accomplished scuba diver (and chronic masterbator) and would confirm that piranha are a divers worst enemy.

Who can stop these piranha? Chief Kimbrough and his ex-wife Anne Kimbrough who is the scuba instructor of course. While teaching her class, she is romanced by one of her divers, who later turns out to be one of the scientists behind the piranha, but doesn't reveal his hand until it is too late. Typical. Pulling a page from Michael Caine in the Swarm, this guy is only concerned about getting some ass rather than averting a biological disaster. What would Caine say. Bravo! Unlike Michael Caine however, this jackass eventually buys the farm, proving that there is only one Michael Caine.

The climax of Piranha 2: The Spawning is of course the running of the Grunion. This natural phenomen of these small fish who beach themselves to lay their eggs is a major attraction of the resort. Hotel guests prepare to run to the beach, scoop up the fish and then have a beach barbeque! YAY! This year things are a little different. As the guests charge the surf they are met with scores of flying Piranha who turn the beach into their own barbeque and begin devouring them! I didn't know whether to laugh or turn the TV off at this point, but for the sake of you, our fans, I carried on.

Piranha 2: The Spawning ends predictably with our heroes trapping the fish inside their sunken ship and blowing it up. As I understand it, soundwaves underwater are magnified, so being submerged near an explosion would kill a human, but of course the Kimbrough's are safe from this danger.

The beauty of this bad movie, is the piranha. It looks as though the special effects team went out of their way to make sure you could see the strings and wires on which the fake piranha traveled. The sound effects are stellar. That resonating chewing sound is only out done, by the flapping of their wings as they attack through the air.

To sum up, Piranha 2: The Spawning brings everything to the table, and then takes a giant shit on it. Unoriginal story, horrible acting, tremendously bad effects, and horrible acting. It's so good to be back.

Hamlin Grade: 5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat