Due to popular demand, the Bad Movie Knights have begun their assault on mainstream big budget Hollywood movies, and what better place to start than with the works of Tom Cruise. I suppose all of this was inspired by Costner week, the memory of which is still making me twitch. God I hate Costner!! Tom Cruise brings that goofy grinning Costner like head of his to the big screen in 1988's Top Gun 3, otherwise known as Cocktail. I hate to disagree with Pat, but Cocktail predates A Few Good Men by four years making that movie the fourth in the Top Gun series and this ode to bottle slinging the third. While I'm at it Pat, I believe one has to give the honors of best homosexual title in a Top Gun movie to Cocktail! It's just too easy!

One of the greatest repeat offenders of the Costner Club (see glossary) is Tom Cruise and the film Cocktail is no exception. Cruise resumes his roll as Maverick!In this one he has walked away from his career as a naval aviator and has hung up his NASCAR driving gloves to pursue business in the Big Apple! Maverick has big dreams of making his brick of gold but will have to work hard by putting himself through school as a bartender. Here he meets his Obi-Wan, if you will, in Doug Coughlin played by Bryan Brown (star of Spring Break Shark Attack). This wise sage teaches Maverick the acrobatic juggling skills every good bartender should know to make their customers slip off their stools wet with anticipation. Now that Coughlin has Maverick firmly under his wing, he tries explaining the art of gold digging to make their dreams come true. Maverick feels like he has found the one in the sexy form of Gina Gershon (the first of Maverick's three beards to appear in this movie) and doesn't buy into his mentor's theory. Coughlin jealously refuses to let Maverick go, so he sleeps with Gershon to teach his student that women are not to be trusted and to go the gay way!

Brokenhearted, Maverick leaves New York and his dreams behind and flees to Jamaica. On this point Pat I have to hand it to you, the "give up and run away" formula really does follow Tom Cruise's rolls! I smell a glossary term, perhaps "Tom Cruises on his problems" or just keep it simple, "Cruising?" We now find Maverick serving up girly drinks on the white sands of Jamaica. With the arrival of beard number two, named Jordan Mooney (Elizabeth Shue), the long drawn out love story that I know you have been waiting for begins. Maverick seems determined to forget about the past (and his homosexuality) in the arms of Jordan. Just when things are going well for the lovebirds Coughlin tracks them down with a beard of his own in the unbelievable form of Kelly Lynch. Coughlin is hell bent on having Maverick for his own and plants an evil seed that will push Jordan out of the picture and bring him back to New York. The plan works, and before you know it Maverick is shacked up with beard number three in her Madison Avenue apartment.

Maverick realizes he is a boy toy, a pawn in a game and decides to return to his former master. Coughlin is delighted to see him, but comes to the conclusion that the closet is where Maverick will always dwell and decides to end it all. After finding Coughlin dead, Maverick returns to the arms of Jordan to raise a family and live out the rest of his days in denial just like Pat.

Hamlin Grade: 1

Fletch is a killing word!