 |
|
 |
|
« May 2006 |
Main
| July 2006 »
Much like my esteemed colleague and man-crush Fletch so poetically stated in his review of the classic Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, it is time for us to return to our roots and embrace the truly bad, and pay homage to the Patron Saint of the Bad Movie, Harry Hamlin. Call it a cleansing of the palette if you will. With that in mind I bring you Piranha 2: The Spawning!
This movie has it all. Not since the birth of BadMovieKnights.com have I seen a bad movie glorify so many of the principles we hold close to our hearts. Piranha 2: The Spawning represents the major motion picture debut of superstar director James Cameron (of Terminator, Aliens and Titanic fame) and thus provides us with a prime example of The Aniston Effect. Surely, this is a film Mr. Cameron would love to have excised from his resume. Piranha 2: The Spawning is also a blatant example of Guttenberg's Principle as not one of the original cast has returned from the original Piranha (which for the record was pretty decent, starring William Katt of The Greatest American Hero, and Soleil Moon Frye of Punker Brewster). The main character, Police Chief Steve Kimbrough played by Lance Henrikson, who for all intents pretty much copies Roy Scheider's portrayal of Chief Brody from Jaws, still manages to out act the rest of this coma-inducing cast, thus giving us yet another example of the Ironside Agenda. Henrikson did such a great job in this movie that he essentially became Cameron's 'Robert Deniro', and starred in several more of his movies like the Terminator, and Aliens.
Piranha 2: The Spawning is pretty much the same as Piranha...the military genetically engineer the fish as military weapons, they get loose nearby a conveniently located resort community and eat everyone. No real surprises right? Wrong. This time these Piranha are so well engineered that they can breathe oxygen (thanks to the lungfish), and can fly (thanks to the flying fish), so this ups the ante a bit.
A military science ship containing these amazing Piranha sinks just off the shore of this high priced beach resort, and take their time making their presence known. The ship, which has become a scuba diving attraction for the resort, and for idiot couples, who think it would be cool to bang underwater inside it, is a natural trap for us humans. Of course, after enough intrusions, the piranha venture forth and begin taking out random fishermen, hot nekkid chicks on sailboats (especially the ones that are mean to the retarded cook), and of course scuba diving enthusiasts. For the record Fletch is an accomplished scuba diver (and chronic masterbator) and would confirm that piranha are a divers worst enemy.
Who can stop these piranha? Chief Kimbrough and his ex-wife Anne Kimbrough who is the scuba instructor of course. While teaching her class, she is romanced by one of her divers, who later turns out to be one of the scientists behind the piranha, but doesn't reveal his hand until it is too late. Typical. Pulling a page from Michael Caine in the Swarm, this guy is only concerned about getting some ass rather than averting a biological disaster. What would Caine say. Bravo! Unlike Michael Caine however, this jackass eventually buys the farm, proving that there is only one Michael Caine.
The climax of Piranha 2: The Spawning is of course the running of the Grunion. This natural phenomen of these small fish who beach themselves to lay their eggs is a major attraction of the resort. Hotel guests prepare to run to the beach, scoop up the fish and then have a beach barbeque! YAY! This year things are a little different. As the guests charge the surf they are met with scores of flying Piranha who turn the beach into their own barbeque and begin devouring them! I didn't know whether to laugh or turn the TV off at this point, but for the sake of you, our fans, I carried on.
Piranha 2: The Spawning ends predictably with our heroes trapping the fish inside their sunken ship and blowing it up. As I understand it, soundwaves underwater are magnified, so being submerged near an explosion would kill a human, but of course the Kimbrough's are safe from this danger.
The beauty of this bad movie, is the piranha. It looks as though the special effects team went out of their way to make sure you could see the strings and wires on which the fake piranha traveled. The sound effects are stellar. That resonating chewing sound is only out done, by the flapping of their wings as they attack through the air.
To sum up, Piranha 2: The Spawning brings everything to the table, and then takes a giant shit on it. Unoriginal story, horrible acting, tremendously bad effects, and horrible acting. It's so good to be back.
Hamlin Grade: 5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Roadhouse is a unique film, in that it is so much more than just a bad movie.
The primary purpose of Roadhouse is not to be simply viewed and provide entertainment, but rather it has been scientifically perfected as a Sexuality Test. The catalyst for this film, like a sphere of plutonium in a nuclear reactor is the chiseled, and well oiled form of Mr. Patrick Swayze. Following this simple 114 minute test you will know without question if you are heterosexual or homosexual. This is more commonly referred to as the Swayze Gauge.
Roadhouse stars Patrick Swayze as James Dalton, the worlds most famous bouncer. The joke here is that Swayze is a modest 5'5" and 125 lbs. soaking wet (he can hit 126 lbs. depending on the density of the liquid) and his performance as a head bouncer is as credible as Tom Cruise portraying a heterosexual. Dalton is wooed away from his current bar (where his mission has apparently been accomplished) by a rich club owner to be his head bouncer. The club he will now bouncing at is a class joint known as the Double Deuce. Mired in scandal, backwoods mafia control, and surly clientele, the Double Deuce is in desperate need of a feather weight bouncer known for his ability to turn clubs around and make them respectable so they can produce profits.
Dalton immediately weeds out the bad, and instills positive moral virtues in those that remain to form a keenly honed squad of bouncers. This however proves to be less than effective against his new nemesis, the personification of evil known as Brad Wesley. Wesley is more or less a Boss Hog type character who rules the town where the Double Deuce calls home with an iron penis. He is immediately cross with Dalton, because he has drawn the admiration of a young medical professional by the name of Dr. Elizabeth Clay (she stitched him up after his first altercation at the Deuce, and was immediately taken by him...Swayze has her). the same doctor who Wesley is wanting a peice of. Wesley then makes it his mission to destroy Dalton and the Deuce.
Dalton is not without help however. What does one skinny bouncer do when he is in trouble? Call on the your best friend who is older and skinnier than you to even the scales! Wade Garret arrives, played by the immortal Sam Elliot (and I mean immortal, this guy doesn't die, just like James Wood, they live forever...yes gentleman we are onto this little vampire cult nestled within the cockles of Hollywood) to lend Dalton a hand. After a few kick ass bar fights, the Double Deuce seems to have been turned around by the combined efforts of these bouncers (who are a combined weight of 190 lbs). Wesley turns it up a notch, but not before....yep you guessed it. Swayze doing half nekkid Tai-Chi lakeside.
This is where the Swayze Guage kicks it up a notch. Slowly performing his martial art expertise, on the banks of a lake, glistening in the early morning rays of the hot southern sun, Swayze defies you not to want a piece. I defy you as well. At this point men and women alike are powerless to resist the Swayze. Powerless I tell you.
Once your errogenous zones have sufficiently cooled you will realize that Dalton is now elbow deep in a battle against Wesley, not only for his life, but his new doctor girlfriend, the club and the entire town. We return lakeside, but this time in the alabaster glow of the evening moon, where Dalton is pitted against Wesley's right hand man played by Marshall Teague. I refer to this scene as Brokeback Lakefront. Teague stands little chance, even though he exhibits formidable resistance....Swayze has him. After dispatching him, Dalton heads to Wesley's palatial estate where in the inspired words of Arnold Schwarzennegger's Commando, John Matrix..."All fucking hell is gonna break lose". And break lose it does.
Roadhouse turns into the 1980's video game Kung Fu, as Dalton travels from floor to floor defeating bad guys and working his way towards the boss....Wesley. The fight is rather anti-climactic because Wesley is after all an old man, and compared to the pinnacle of human physical condition that is Swayze, is not equal to the task. However, a tired Dalton, is succumbed by rifle fire, till he is saved by a lynch mob of sorts, consisting of various towns people wronged by Wesley. Wesley ends up being spectacularly blown away Scarface style with all manner of firearms.
Throughout this movie, you will be constantly tested as to your level of attraction to Patrick Swayze. Grades of said attraction can range from "That Swayze certainly is flexible", to "I wonder what Patrick's mom is like?", to the more heated "Hey, Swayze has some great abs", and finally the "Boy would I like to knock Swayze to all fours and ride him like a Ducati motorcycle while being chased by Matrix Agents on the Santa Monica Freeway". If you feel any or all of these, then results are quite obvious. Swayze has you.
Don't feel bad, I've taken this test 13 times, and failed every time....depending on your point of view. Swayze has me.
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 Men and women alike are powerless against the force that is the Swayze. This force is the essence of the The Swayze Gauge. The Swayze Gauge is a simple yet effective test, proven to determine one's sexuality.
The Swayze Gauge involves viewing the Patrick Swayze masterpiece Roadhouse, and being able to withstand the 114 minutes of non-stop, pure, uncut, unadulterated, steaming hot, serving of Swayze which will be ladled upon you. That 115th minute will be magical, for you will know without a shadow of a doubt whether you are heterosexual, or homosexual.
Does Swayze have you? You bet he does.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Our attack on mainstream Hollywood movies has been entertaining, but something has been missing. Hamlins!! It's been weeks since we have reviewed anything that deserves a rating of over three Hamlins. I felt it was time to get back to basics with a truly bad movie called Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone!
In the dead of space we hear the voice of Harold Ramis (bet you didn't see that one coming) relaying messages for our hero Wolff (Peter Strauss) who is lounging around on his spaceship. Apparently Wolff has accrued a large amount of debt back on earth and from the looks of it he's in no rush to pay it off, but wait...what's this? A distress call from three hot babes stranded on Terra Eleven and the reward for their rescue is 3000 mega credits! What are the chances that this Han Solo knock off can pay off his debt and get some action on the side? Wolff is torn, however, as he's not doing so bad floating around space with his sexy co-pilot Chalmers, who prances around in her nightshirt making repairs to the ship. It sounds like a little slice of heaven but there is all that debt to pay, so away we go to Terra Eleven!
Wolf lands on the quarantined E type planet (the PSI plague of 2011 has really made a mess of things) and tracks down the pricey chicks. They are being held by a bunch of dudes in trench coats driving a tricked out train-ship. This thing is on tracks and has a mast and sail, the whole nine yards! Just when Wolff and Chalmers are about to engage the Mad Max mode of transport, an army of cyborgs attacks and they quickly find themselves in the crossfire. Wolff, being the experienced bounty hunter that he is, jumps into the battle in hopes of snagging his prize and making a quick get-away. What he doesn't know is that the cyborgs have come for the three hot earth babes as well and they have air support to boot. But in what form? Airplanes? Helicopters? Zeppelins?
No, no, hand-gliders, my friends, powered by smoke cookies and flares! It's quite a sight to behold. The girls are whisked away to the planetary ruler named the Overdog, played by the great Michael Ironside. As Wolff rushes back to his ridiculous land vehicle he finds they have killed, or rather destroyed Chalmers. She was a sexy android! Wolff presses a button to melt the face of the already useless Chalmers (completely unnecessary, she was a sexy robot!) Now, armed with only his blaster, his retarded truck, and his wits, Wolf follows the cyborgs into the Forbidden Zone!
Along the way he picks up a young frisky native named Niki, played by Molly Ringwald. She teaches us the really cool dialect of Terra Eleven. The locals call bleeding blood loss. For example "We can not go on, she has blood loss." Thinking is referred to as brain works, and for a little derogatory term, we would be known as Earthers. This last one is my favorite and I'm sure it will become yours too. Try it out the next time your out with your friends; " Shove it Earther!" Nice!
After Wolf gives Molly Ringwald a whore's bath, he runs into an old colleague named Washington played by Ernie Hudson. A year after this film was released Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson team up as Ghostbusters! If it weren't for this gem called Spacehunter they may have never met.
I don't want to give a play by play for the entire movie for two reasons. First, I don't think I could do it justice and second, I really think you Bad Movie Knights out there should bask in the glory that is Spacehunter. It truly has everything! Mutants, Cyborgs, Motorcycles with cool roll cages, and midgets throwing Molotov cocktails. That's right I said it, midgets hurling firebombs! This movie also provides watery amazon tarts who wager that mating with Wolff would kill him (a bet he is willing to take.) Did I mention Michael Ironside as the Overdog! He likes his women smooth with no scars and it's better when they have all their limbs as well.
If all this hasn't convinced you (I don't know how it couldn't) the DVD has subtitles in English, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Chinese, Korean, and Thai! That's right, Spacehunter is known the world over!
Hamlin Grade: 6
Fletch is a killing word!
 Faster than a speeding bullet; more awkward then your drunk aunt at Thanksgiving; messier than your colon after a giant burrito; It's Tom Cruise running!
The Bad Movie Knights have been rewarded for the courage they displayed by viewing the films of Tom Cruise, with several new glossary terms. The first of which is called 'Cum Sore It.' This name was one of the many anagrams provided by our #1 BMK responder, Big Daddy Yum Yum. Mr. Yum Yum became very involved in the persecution of Cruise (see review and comments of The Firm amongst others.) But for the uninitiated, Cum Sore It, which sounds like some backwater curse, is actually an anagram for Tom Cruise.
Cum Sore It is that inescapable moment when Mr.Cruise contorts his face, places his hands in an aerodynamic karate chop position, and runs like no man that has ever run on film. In virtually every movie he has ever been in, Cruise somehow manages to convince the director to allow him to display his track and field skills. We are not sure of the long-term effects of viewing the Cum Sore It, more commonly known as Cruise Control. Studies have shown that Cruise Control has more dramatic effects on the young and the elderly. Children who have been exposed under the age of 10 have a tendency to run into inanimate objects. Ages 11- 17 refuse to take part in any activity involving running, and often turn to self prescribed medication. When the elderly are exposed, the results are drooling, followed by uncontrollable flatulence. Science is scrambling to catch up with this epidemic, and so far there are no answers. Only one thing is known, the best prevention against the Cum Sore It is to avoid Tom Cruise movies.
Fletch is a killing word!
Time: 12 noon, June 3rd
Event: Bad Movie Night
As posted a couple weeks ago the Bad Movie Knights themselves, got together for one of our semi-regular Bad Movie Nights, and this one was a 6 movie marathon. I personally believe that these men, of questionable morals, should be canonized for the efforts they put forth to do battle in the arena that is known as uber-bad cinema. Saint Bosh, Saint Duges, and Saint Fletch-Eat-A-Dick. All should have little dashboard statues made in their likeness' for what they endured on that day to bring you the best of the worst.
To recap, here is what was reviewed:
Troll 2
Cybernator
1990: Bronx Warriors
Hobgoblins
Spring Break Shark Attack
Dead Alive
Right now you might be asking yourself two questions:
Question 1: Why did it take almost three weeks for this article?
Answer 1. Well, it took two weeks for me to regain my sanity and equilibrium, and another week for my eye balls to stop bleeding enough for me to see my keyboard from the 12 plus hours of train wreck that was watched that day.
Question 2: What is this "Great Debate"?
Answer 2. The main objective of June 3rd’s Bad Movie Night was to decide what movie was deserving of our coveted top rating. You see, a challenger to the “Troll 2� crown raised it’s ugly head in the form of a flick called “Cybernator�. With two of the Knights each claiming one of the films as the worthy king of bad cinema, it came down to yours truly to break the tie, hence “The Great Debate�.
Here is what I observed.
Point 1: In “Cybernator� our leading man, Detective McCord, is played by Lonnie Schuyler, a truly HORRIBLE (And I mean that in a fantastically good way) actor puts up a performance on par with Michael Stephenson’s portrayal of Joshua Waits in “Troll 2�, but here’s the catch, Lonnie Schuyler is about 30 and Michael Stephenson is about 11.
EDGE: "Cybernator�. When your 30 year old leading man gets "out acted" by an 11 year old, well then I say you are well on your way to Bad Movie Immortality!
Point 2: Will Smith (not the one getting jiggy with it, but Conan’s dad) appears in “Cybernator� and his is a face that everyone over 20 will recognize from something, where as “Troll 2� has not one noticeable mug in it.
EDGE: “Cybernator�. Even with the vast experience of Will Smith, he brings absolutely nothing to the party known as “Cybernator�, and with the resume he has, to do NOTHING good for this film, it just shows you what a BAD piece of shit “Cybernator� really is, FANTASTIC!
Point 3: Costumes.... I really don’t know how to describe either, but...
EDGE: "Troll 2�, in “Cybernator� they actually “tried� and did OK with a character or two, “Troll 2� not so much trying, watch it and you’ll understand.
Point 4: Just imagine the worst movie you’ve ever seen, now cut the acting, talent, and budget in half and give one part to “Cybernator� and the other to “Troll 2�.
EDGE: Push
So what does all this scientific analysis boil down to? Who will wear the crown here at Bad Movie Knight? Drum roll please..... “Troll 2�
With all the advantages that “Cybernator� had going for it, “Troll 2� is still much more enjoyable to sit through and scratch your balls wondering how this piece of crap actually exists. Now if “Cybernator� just had that pop-corn scene.... Well that would be a different story.
Here are my final grades:
“Troll 2�
Hamlin Grade: 9.5
“Cybernator�
Hamlin Grade: 9
So, you may be asking yourself another question now, “Why only 9.5 Hamlins for the top spot?�. Well, like most other scientific explorations, when all is said and done, you often end up with more questions then when you started... Stay tuned for my pick for the crown of BAD MOVIE KNIGHTS!
You spend two minutes alone, and you feel shame.
Duges
 I made an error in judgement when I classified Sir Michael Caine's appearance in Jaws: The Revenge a clear cut case of The Aniston Effect. This is not a film he would like to forget, in fact I think Michael Caine relishes the fact that he can be in whatever movie he wants. Why? Because he is Michael Caine. This is what I call The Caine Mutiny.
Rather than be swayed by good scripts and potential awards and accolades, Michael Caine does as he pleases...because he is Michael Caine. Sure this multi-Academy Award winner does his share of classic films, but does he turn his nose up at the opportunity to star in The Muppet Christmas Carol? Absolutely not. Because he is Michael Caine. Why star in the Godfather when he can sally forth onto the pitch alongside Slyvester Stallone and Pele in Victory? Why not show off your superior acting skills against Steven Seagal in On Deadly Ground? When the producers of The Swarm come calling Michael Caine calls back. Because that is what Michael Caine does. And why not laugh as Lorraine Gary mourns the final moments of her career in Jaws: The Revenge? Why indeed? This is Michael Caine, and this is his creed. The Caine Mutiny.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
As if we needed another reason to hate those assholes up in Massachusetts.
The Perfect Storm celebrates the lives of dickheads who make their livings by harvesting fruit from the high seas. Problem is, this particular group of dickheads really suck at it. The Perfect Storm opens with the Andrea Gail being welcomed home to Gloucester, Massachussetts, by their families and lots of other people reeking of dead fish (for the record, I've been to Gloucester....the whole town smells like a dead whore's vagina). After pulling into dock, the Andrea Gail and her crew again produce a light load of swordfish, which has become a more frequent occurrence as of late (that's what we are led to believe, please understand that this film is part disaster flick, so character development is optional) because their Captain (played by George Clooney) has lost his touch. Oooooh....cursed as some of these supersticious old fish stick selling shitheads would have you believe. After a severe reprimanding by the boats owner (portrayed by the great Michael Ironside) Captain Clooney decides to set sail again in just a few short days. His crew is pissed, because they haven't had time to finish their drinking and banging their rancid bait covered wives.
So the Andrea Gail heads out to sea, in search of the swordfish that have eluded them....or at least have eluded their bad luck captain. After a few subpar days, the Captain decides to head to the Flemish Cap (some nautical destination that is apparently very far away from Gloucester....the crown jewel of the East Coast) in hopes of finding better fishing grounds. His crew, which is essentially the cast of Boogie Nights, bitch and moan like the Gloucester Men they are (this is term thrown around quite often in the film....apparently a Gloucester man is one who smells like dead ass and enjoys banging overweight toothless women....also there intelligence level is hovering in the mildly retarded range) but agree to travel to this ocean based Shangri-La.
The Captain's luck and the luck of the Andrea Gail, appears to turn, as they immediately hit paydirt upon arriving at the Flemish Cap, and haul in a copious amounts of swordfish. Then the Captain's luck turn's again as the ice machine breaks down, and all are in danger of losing all the fish they have needlessly slaughtered. By the way, this portion of the film is purely speculation, because, The Perfect Storm is based on a true story, and in this true story, these sorry ass individuals perished. Why did they perish....hmmm....either their captain was blessed with the worst luck on the planet, or was the dumbest mother fucker ever in existence. So lets continue with this dramatization of the truth....
The Andrea Gail's crew decides to return home and 'set the market' with their fully loaded boat, before the fish spoils. The Captain's luck strikes again! This is where the Perfect Storm enters. Getting it's name, because it is a combination of 18 different hurricanes all combining to create one giant super storm! But will this storm stop the crew of the Andrea Gail? Of course not, these are Gloucester Men! Gloucester Men as you know would rather tempt fate (fate in this case is in the form of 200 foot waves) than use something everyone outside of Gloucester likes to refer to as common sense. So the Captain, the Boogie Night guys, and the rest of the crew of Andrea Gail, end up dead. Nice work fellas!
By the end of this movie I was so pissed off at this collection of morons because of their complete and total lack of intelligence, that I began rooting for the storm. Why not just turn the boat around, dump the catch, wait the storm out, return to that rotting bait bucket of a town you call home, fix the ice machine, go back to the Flemish Cap, catch more fish, so you can do more coke, and then you are rich, and more importantly still alive you stupid mother fuckers! The only good part about this movie is that none of these assholes ever got to see the Red Sox win a World Series.
Of course, at the end, during many unmoving eulogies, Captain Clooney narrates his opening diatribe about the beauty and poetic life of swordfishing, which culminates with the final line "You're a God Damn Swordfish Boat Captain....is there anything better?" As far as career choices, I would say most definitely yes. Let's start at frie-cook at McDonald's and work our way up from there. The point being, that even on your worst day at McDonald's, and even if your manager is a Gloucester Man, the likelihood of you dying on that job, is minimal to none. Also, you would be making more money as a frie cook.
The Perfect Storm? Afraid not. The Perfect Storm would have turned Massachussetts into a lake, or at the very least completely destroy that chum covered stain called Gloucester. This storm is average at best, and I'm really being generous with that grade.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond
To fight your enemy, you must know your enemy. Knowing these words to be true, I began the long and painful journey that became Costner week. In preparation to "know my enemy," I discovered a new and equally powerful one...Blockbuster Video! Threatening any thing that is good and grows, this monster from a forgotten age just refuses to die.
Not being able to find the strength to own a Costner flick, I went to my local Blockbuster to rent two terrible movies for ten dollars. $10.00!!!!! It would have cost less to buy them! In fact I know it would have been less to buy them because I was three days late returning them.
Yes, I'm retarded for not having returned the movies on time, but the last time I went to a video store to rent, VHS had just won the tape war against BETA and laser discs were the newest craze, so cut me some slack, this kid has been out of practice.
Now you're asking, "Well, If he hates Costner so much, why wouldn't he want to return those movies as soon as
possible?" Listen, if you must know it took me two and a half days just to watch the Postman!! I couldn't endure the pain for three hours in a row!!!! I had to break it up into smaller sections of torture and thus ended up dragging it out. Now that I'm reflecting on all of this, maybe the three hour ripping off of the Band-Aid would have been better. I don't know!?! At any rate the viewing of Costner made me feel cheap and dirty. I suppose I didn't want to face the fact that I had rented the baseball loving cowboy, and thus put off the return.
Weeks later I find myself at the gates of hell to face my old adversary, Cruise. This time I wouldn't make the same mistake by renting, partly because I refused to pay those late charges caused by Costner. COSTNERRR WHYYY!!!!!! No, I've seen the light by purchasing the movies of stars the likes of Costner and Cruise. You can buy these movies for the same price as renting them, and when you're done with your sinful business, throw them away. By doing this you're helping others by cutting down the distribution of such harmful cinema. All this would be true if I was buying movies from anywhere other than Blockbuster! Fourteen dollars!!! And that's for previously viewed movies. I don't even want to tell you about those that are still factory sealed. These previously viewed movies (a.k.a. former blockbuster rentals) have developed the ambiance of an ice rink with no Zamboni, and can skip into your life for the low low price of $14.00!
Fletch is a killing word!
Somewhere in Texas, at an underground army base, everyone is mysteriously killed. Well, the mystery is how the fuck these jackasses can't recognize a bee sting, let alone hundreds covering these soldiers that are dead. Also, bees die when they sting, so why weren't there any dead bees on the bodies? Because these are African Killer Bees, and the only thing that can stop African Killer Bees.....Michael Caine.
The Swarm is a late 70's masterpiece that pits man and against nature...and nature kicks the shit out of us (really just some redneck marry your sister town in South Texas that probably would have bred itself out of existence anyway, oh and Houston...but Houston...come on....that's like Deliverance with skyscrapers). The Swarm starts off at the site of this military base accident, which is just a stone's throw from Bangyourfatherville, Texas....a small town, which looks as though it was the same set used for the Dukes of Hazzard Television series. In this quaint little town, are hundreds of people you couldn't possible give a shit about. And if you do...get over it fast because the one cool thing about The Swarm, is that no one is spared. Women, children, pets...you name it...DEAD! And when you think you can escape by train....WHAM!! The Swarm strikes! Dolph Dolph!
Michael Caine arrives on the scene from a closet in the military base. Instantly exuding cool. He is immediately at odds with this asshole General, who's authority gets usurped and given to Caine...because he knows bugs. He also knows the ladies. This son of a bitch is so cool and calm (sporting a 1978 leisure suit that would still look kick ass today), that he bites the heads off of United States Generals, plots to destroy this massive swarm of African Killer Bees, and still manages to sweet talk to the ladies into givin' him some sweet Caine lovin'. Every time there is a pause in the action...Michael Caine is trying to work the ladies out of there panties.....the end of the world is happening right out side his door....but Michael Caine is still trying to get laid. That is so fucking cool!
The General has to be one of the most blatantly racist characters ever put on film. A first viewing of this film, you might disagree. But I am bad movie expert. The General, never refers to the bees, as African Killer Bees, Killer Bees, or just plain Bees for that matter. Whenever he discusses them, he calls them Africans. Perhaps I'm reading into this a little bit, but why is the crusty old white man saying things like, "I'll burn every one of those damn African's out of Houston!".....hmmm....racist....I think so. Regardless, he's an asshole and he dies.
What's amazing is that the creators of The Swarm were actually able to coerce Henry Fonda into doing this film. I have a theory about this. This is the second time, this highly decorated actor has sunk to levels this low and appeared in a film that really had no business being made. Henry Fonda's first tragedy was Tentacles....now he returns in this piece of shit? This phenomenon can only be described as the Fonda Syndrome.
Honestly, as shitty as The Swarm is, this movie doesn't pull any punches ....in fact it goes out of hits way to hit you as hard as possible ....after the military base, the bees attack the small town and kill hundreds of these inbred mutants (including kids in a schoolyard YEAH!), then it attacks the survivors of the town on a train as they attempt to evacuate, effectively killing the entire town! Following the town, they attack a nuclear power plant which of course explodes and kills everyone in the towns nearby, then they move to Houston and kill everyone left alive there....after that, Michael Caine fucks all the bees and saves the day!
Michael Fuckin' Caine! Hell yeah!
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
http://www.badmovienight.net/images/hh_scale4_5.gif
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 During the twilight of his amazing movie career, Henry Fonda fell off the wagon more than once and appeared inexplicably in several bad movies. We're talking about an Oscar winner here. Henry Fonda! The man in 12 Angry Men. Henry Fonda appeared in an awful film called Tentacles, and again faced off against nature's best in The Swarm during the 1970s. Why?
Henry Fonda's family was held hostage from early 1971, till just before the dawn of 1980. During that time, the producers of Tentacles and the Swarm, forced him to play major roles in these pieces of shit, and used his name as top billing to garner more attention.
Fonda's family was promptly released following post production of The Swarm. They all live together now in the Mountains of Appalachia where they make an honest living selling refurbished Epson toner cartridges.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
As the sun sets on another celebration of one of Hollywood's favorites sons, we conclude and bid farewell to Tom Cruise Week, with an official Spotlight On.
Tom Cruise is a pioneer in the Film Industry in that he has perfected the templatizing of movies by playing the same character over and over again, from film to film. Similiar to the James Bond series, but with a twist. Tom Cruise's Maverick character is not bound to the present day and can be inserted into any period, time or situation. Maverick has gone from the navy, to the bar, to the orient, back to the navy, and to the courtroom.....and back to the navy.
By far one of the most versatile actors ever, Tom Cruise is able to adapt Maverick to any of these circumstances. Please join us in celebrating Tom Cruise by taking a journey through his world.....the Top Gun series:
Top Gun
Days of Thunder
A Few Good Men
Cocktail
The Firm
War of the Worlds
The Last Samurai
Valkyrie
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Tom Cruise returns in Top Gun 6: The Last Samurai!
In this latest installment of the Top Gun series, Maverick has travelled back in time and is now a soldier with the United States Army. Maverick is now a drunken, broken down man, who is torn by the memories of what he has done as a soldier, and blah blah blah. Anyway you cut it, Maverick is running away again....this time, not physically to another destination, but rather via mental journey by hiding in the bottle. While doing this he manages to hold down a job selling Red Rider Carbon Action B-B Guns, and scaring the living shit out of all of the potential buyers. The movie opens with this classic demonstration....which apparently is the last straw for his employer, and he promptly fires Maverick. The most humorous fact here is that this is the first time Maverick hasn't quit.
As luck would have it, there is always opportunity available for Maverick, as he is introduced to a few Japanese gentleman who are so impressed, immediately hire his drunk ass to train their soldiers in Japan. Upon arriving in Japan he learns that they will be fighting a group of samurai, with his army of rifle bearing troops. Sounds like a no brainer, but apparently these Japanese are unable to shoot straight and get their asses kicked by the Samurai.
After the initial battle, Maverick is captured by the Samurai, and kept in the mountains to live among them. He is conveniently shacked up with the wife of a soldier he killed. Hmmmmm...can you say beard to be? Maverick eventually learns to overcome his alcoholism and begins training with the Samurai. I bet you didn't see that coming did you? Of course after a few months in the mountains, Maverick is now a master swordsman. It takes longer to get a degree at APEX Tech (actually, swordsman is one of the many courses available at that school). Maverick first proves his worth by getting his ass beat repeatedly by a Samurai who hates his ass (this is almost as good as Maverick beating the shit out Wilford Brimley in the Firm), and eventually earns his respect. Then Maverick helps defeat a band of plucky ninjas that attack the samurai village. He of course has no problem defeating these assassins that have probably been training for 20+ years.
After this battle of course his beard (the woman who has been housing him) is warm for his ass (ummm he killed your husband 3 months earlier bitch! way to show the love!)....and Maverick again has to pretend he is a heterosexual. Aside from having to sleep with the chick, Maverick is obviously taken with the Samurai lifestyle, and joins them in battle again, this time against the forces he was originally training....ironic huh? Well apparently the new soldiers were trained by someone better (in all fairness Maverick said they weren't ready prior to the last battle...not so this time), as they kick the shit out of the Samurai. Everyone dies except for Maverick. Spoiler Alert!
The Last Samurai, is essentially Dances with Wolves with an exact copy of a Braveheart battle at the very end. I shit you not. I think when Tom Cruise initially pitched the movie it was originally titled 'Dances with Ninja'. The battle at the end was in fact the first battle sequence from Braveheart. They just used CGI to map out Mel Gibson with Tom Cruise, and every Scottish guy was replaced with a Japanese guy. Brilliant! Luckily for them, Scotland and Japan are essentially the same type of landscape.
There's a poignant scene at the end. It's called the credits. You finally can breathe that sigh of relief that this three hour nightmare is over. Oh yeah, in the same vain of all Costner movies, this film tips the chronological scales at three hours so pack a lunch and a diaper. Anyway, Maverick gives the head samurai's sword to the emperor, who is so touched that he breaks all sorts of treaties and most certainly damns his nation for centuries to come.....or perhaps not....at this point I'm really making most of this up, because I was practically asleep. The Last Samurai will make you laugh, and it will make you cry. But mostly it will just make you cry, and probably give you an excrutiating case of diarrhea.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
In the spirit of Cruise week, I went to my local Blockbuster to pick up the latest DVD release of the Top Gun series. Refusing to rent anything due to my traumatic experience during Costner week, I headed straight to the movies for sale section. $14.00?! Are you kidding me?!! I'll have to save my anger of the evil empire known as Blockbuster for another time.
Now, let me refocus on my hatred of Tom Cruise and his undying efforts to perfect the roll of Maverick. As I'm flipping through the rows of movies I came to realize that Mr. Cruise had a prolific year, releasing no less than two new Top Gun movies. I just couldn't do it! I've loved Michael Man's work in the past, but the few moments I spent viewing his collaboration with Cruise in Collateral made me wince. It's one of those movies you piece together in five minute clips that you are eventually able to put in sequential order because HBO (it's not TV, it's really bad TV) refused to play anything else during the month of February. I'll have to pass this review to Pat, but I won't blame him if he refuses. Instead I reluctantly purchased War of the Worlds.
The comments I had heard were pretty much the same: "The effects were pretty cool." Hearing these words related to a film that stars an actor with one of the hugest craniums in Hollywood inspired hope. Cruise returns to play the roll of Maverick under the direction of Steven Spielberg.
We find the middle-aged Maverick working the docks loading and unloading shipping containers; quite a fall from the one time jet pilot hero and NASCAR champion. He's divorced, living alone, except for those few precious days he gets with his two kids every once in a while. Surprising he couldn't hold that marriage together ...I wonder why? Could it be because he's gay? Daddy Maverick has to take care of his estranged kids the same weekend aliens attack earth...is Spielberg a genius or what?. In a fifteen minute intro, Sir Steven has eliminated any hetero masquerade Maverick may have to carry throughout the duration. Bravo Sir!! Unfortunately, that does not spare us from Mr. Cruise's bad imitation of a world class sprinter. In the original Top Gun, cool the guy is in a fighter jet, no problem. Ever since, the rentals of millions of dissatisfied viewers have been subjected to the excessive sprinting of Maverick. One would think that in a panic situation (oh, I don't know, like maybe being attacked by four hundred-foot tall robotic killing machines) one might falter, fumble or even trip. Obviously you don't know Maverick, who is unfaltering and runs like a gazelle (hands in a karate chop position for aerodynamic efficiency.) The need to show this man sprinting in virtually every movie he's been in may warrant a glossary term.
At any rate Spielberg is able to entertain with destructive eye candy (his time invested in the making of 1941 has finally paid off) while keeping Cruise's Oscar thirsty dramatics to a minimum. If you want no story, lots of action and some sub par acting this is your flick!
Hamlin Grade:1
Fletch is a killing word!
 Yeah, that's right, we here at Bad Movie Knights got a chance to preview what will surely be this summer's big blockbuster. And boy does it suck, yeah I said it, it SUCKED! The only thing this movie busted was my balls.
Here's what Bryan Singer and Warner Brothers are asking us to believe in the 5th movie of the recent Superman Series on the big screen....
First of all, the main plot of this story, as suggested by the title, is Superman returning after a 5 year disappearance from Earth (VERY Maverick like, I might add). And here is poke-my-eye-balls-out-and-call-me-stupid-fuck-up number 1. You see, this incarnation of Superman (played by new-comer Brandon "say good by to my career" Routh) looks to be about 25, so basically we're being told that by 25 (or so) Superman has returned from a 5 year hiatus, prior to which he was around long enough to establish himself as the Man of Steel, save the world a few times, and become a world renowned icon, that's gotta take a couple years, doesn't it? So let's say that's a conservative 7 years total. Making him about 18, when he moves to Metropolis and gets a job as a writer at the Daily Planet and starts his quest as Superman. Are you fucking kidding me?? What about his time at the Fortress Of Solitude? College? What paper would hire a writer with NO college experience?? Bottom line, he's just NOT old enough to have come to Metropolis, establish a successful career as the worlds most beloved super hero, disappear for 5 years, and come back. I want to bang my head against my desk.... But, you might be saying "Well he's the Son of Jor-El, he's from Krypton, he doesn't age like us..." O.K. I can accept that as a possible explanation, accept uber whore (well get to this) Louis Lane (played by Kate Bosworth) is basically 25 in this movie as well, and as far as I know, from the Superman story line, Clark and Louis are basically the same age if Louis isn't a bit older than Clark.
Now, to the beeeyotch Louis... When Supes returns from his 5 year vacation, he finds Louis has moved on with out him and has a child, WHO'S ABOUT 5 YEARS OLD!!! We'll go with the "benefit of the doubt" here and call the kid 4, so she's raised a kid for 4 years prior to which she has a 9 month gestation period, that leaves a 3 month window from when Supes leaves till she gets knocked up... That's it??? 3 fucking months to meet someone, fall in love and get knocked up, from the time that the greatest love in your life disappears?? Typical female WHORE, WHORE, FUCKING WHORE!! OK, so I might have some female issues, but still come on... What does it say about the character of Superman to still want to be with a broad like that? SPOILER ALERT: Could this actually be the child of Kal-El??? Lets just say that if it is actually Superbaby, well just bend me over and sodomize me like it's your job, because Singer would have single handedly destroyed the Superman legacy.
Now back to Supes, more specifically his "costume", holy crap, what did they do to him? A 3-D logo on his chest? His tiny low-rise red briefs? And lets talk about that "red"... On his new costume it's MAROON... And that fish-scale texture on his uni?? Is Brian Singer watching too many episode of "Entourage"?? He's making Superman, not fucking Aquaman... It¹s Superman for Christ¹s sake, we don¹t need a Queer Eye make over of his costume...
I could go on and on about this horrible piece of trash, but I actually didn¹t see it, I was just fuckin¹ with you, but all the other stuff I said is true.....
You spend two minutes alone, and you feel shame
Duges
Tom Cruise returns as Maverick again! Maverick has left the navy, but not his love for the court room. Prepare for non-stop thrills and action in this fifth installment of the Top Gun series....the Firm!
By far the most blatantly ambiguous title to date, the Firm is the second movie in the Top Gun series in which Tom Cruise attempts to achieve that unattainable Academy Award. Maverick fresh off his tour of duty with the navy, and racing cars, finds himself in the fortunate position of being wooed by a huge Southern Law Firm. All manners of benefits and amenities.....and everyone on staff is gay, and orgies are encouraged throughout the day. Just kidding, this would be like Club Med for Maverick, but once again in the Firm, he must pretend to be a heterosexual. Thankfully his job is much easier than in previous films because his wife is portrayed by the very masculine, Mr. Jeanne Tripplehorn (you may remember her penis and testicles from Waterworld).
Anyway, the Firm starts out as a dream come true for Maverick until he realizes the law offices are actually in league with the mob, and the FBI wants him to turn State's Evidence against them....thus being disbarred. NO WAY!!! Maverick won't stand for that shit! Developing an elaborate scheme, that pits the FBI, and the Firm against one another, he decieves both to achieve his goals (no not winning an Oscar) which include helping his brother get freed from prison, and kicking the everloving shit out of Wilford Brimley! Yes, Brimley plays the bad ass head of security for the film. As you know, the best security personell are over 65, 350 pounds, and approximately 5 feet tall. This is the best part of the movie. Next to Dakota Fanning, I can't think of another individual I would love to beat like a can of crushed assholes.
The one highlight of this movie, is that Maverick never really quits. Sure he has a few down moments, and even has to hook up with a hot chick on a beach (which for Maverick must have really sucked) but he never really turns and runs. This breaks the cycle in the Top Gun series as the first time Maverick doesn't turn in to a nancy-mary pussy. Good Job Mav!
All in all this movie sucks. Other than Maverick beating the ass out Wilford Brimley, this movie is the weak link in the Top Gun chain. A chain that is already dangerously close the shattering. I award you no points Maverick, and may God have mercy on your soul. I will give you 1 Hamlin for kicking Brimley's ass though!
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Due to popular demand, the Bad Movie Knights have begun their assault on mainstream big budget Hollywood movies, and what better place to start than with the works of Tom Cruise. I suppose all of this was inspired by Costner week, the memory of which is still making me twitch. God I hate Costner!! Tom Cruise brings that goofy grinning Costner like head of his to the big screen in 1988's Top Gun 3, otherwise known as Cocktail. I hate to disagree with Pat, but Cocktail predates A Few Good Men by four years making that movie the fourth in the Top Gun series and this ode to bottle slinging the third. While I'm at it Pat, I believe one has to give the honors of best homosexual title in a Top Gun movie to Cocktail! It's just too easy!
One of the greatest repeat offenders of the Costner Club (see glossary) is Tom Cruise and the film Cocktail is no exception. Cruise resumes his roll as Maverick!In this one he has walked away from his career as a naval aviator and has hung up his NASCAR driving gloves to pursue business in the Big Apple! Maverick has big dreams of making his brick of gold but will have to work hard by putting himself through school as a bartender. Here he meets his Obi-Wan, if you will, in Doug Coughlin played by Bryan Brown (star of Spring Break Shark Attack). This wise sage teaches Maverick the acrobatic juggling skills every good bartender should know to make their customers slip off their stools wet with anticipation. Now that Coughlin has Maverick firmly under his wing, he tries explaining the art of gold digging to make their dreams come true. Maverick feels like he has found the one in the sexy form of Gina Gershon (the first of Maverick's three beards to appear in this movie) and doesn't buy into his mentor's theory. Coughlin jealously refuses to let Maverick go, so he sleeps with Gershon to teach his student that women are not to be trusted and to go the gay way!
Brokenhearted, Maverick leaves New York and his dreams behind and flees to Jamaica. On this point Pat I have to hand it to you, the "give up and run away" formula really does follow Tom Cruise's rolls! I smell a glossary term, perhaps "Tom Cruises on his problems" or just keep it simple, "Cruising?" We now find Maverick serving up girly drinks on the white sands of Jamaica. With the arrival of beard number two, named Jordan Mooney (Elizabeth Shue), the long drawn out love story that I know you have been waiting for begins. Maverick seems determined to forget about the past (and his homosexuality) in the arms of Jordan. Just when things are going well for the lovebirds Coughlin tracks them down with a beard of his own in the unbelievable form of Kelly Lynch. Coughlin is hell bent on having Maverick for his own and plants an evil seed that will push Jordan out of the picture and bring him back to New York. The plan works, and before you know it Maverick is shacked up with beard number three in her Madison Avenue apartment.
Maverick realizes he is a boy toy, a pawn in a game and decides to return to his former master. Coughlin is delighted to see him, but comes to the conclusion that the closet is where Maverick will always dwell and decides to end it all. After finding Coughlin dead, Maverick returns to the arms of Jordan to raise a family and live out the rest of his days in denial just like Pat.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Fletch is a killing word!
Gay Pride Cruise Week/Month continues!
Tom Cruise returns as Maverick in A Few Good Men! The third installment in the Top Gun series, Maverick has returned to his roots in the Navy, but this time as a litigator rather than a sky whore. Two Marines stand accused of murder and Maverick is assigned to their case. Can he get them off? If any man can get two men off at the same time....Maverick can!
A Few Good Men is perhaps the most blatantly homosexual title in the Top Gun series. It sounds as though it should be pornagraphy. This film is however a stepping stone in the career for Tom Cruise. It is apparent that he decided he should transcend his good looks, and try to establish himself as a legitimate actor (haha goodluck! I think Van Damme said the same thing after Bloodsport!) and thus he began his pursuit of an Academy Award.....which to this day has eluded him. Why? Well the man can't act for openers! Anyway....perhaps his portrayal of Maverick in A Few Good Men is an improvement over his role in Top Gun, but that's like saying O.J. Simpson was better in Naked Gun than he was in Towering Inferno.
In A Few Good Men, Maverick trades in the comfort of his fighter jet for a courtroom, and instead of being armed with missiles he is only packing a clever researcher played by Kevin Pollock, and a very annoying Demi Moore (who is packing some missiles, so I guess this is a push weapons' wise....but I don't think Demi's implants are military grade....however I've been wrong before. I.E. Fletch's sexuality). Maverick of course is a hot shot Navy lawyer who is the master of negotiating and plea-bargaining and has never actually tried a case.
A Few Good Men is a pleasant change in the Top Gun series because it doesn't really try to force feed you a relationship between Maverick and a female counterpart in an attempt to paint a heterosexual portrait (which has been about as successful as Waterworld was), although there is a pointless 'date' between Maverick and Demi 'Missiles' Moore. A Few Good Men doesn't let us down however, because once again, Maverick faces adversity......and what do you think he does? He quits! True he perhaps does the more butch method of quiting, by doing the drunk walk in the rain, while carrying the fifth of JD.....only to drop and or toss the bottle in the climax to a rage induced pontification. Bottom line, he quits like a pussy.
After pulling himself together (big surprise), Maverick becomes the model lawyer (again fashioned after his father, who was apparently the best lawyer ever....whooopie!) and ends up going head to head with the prosecutor (played by Kevin Bacon, who is the man!), an overly religious Keifer Sutherland, a goofy Noah Wiley (the dude who just left ER), a pre-oscar Cuba Gooding Jr. (Cuba is one of the many who will drive a stake through Tom Cruise's heart, in his quest for an Oscar that will never be his....but I will elaborate more on this later) and multi oscar award winning actor Jack Nicholson. Aside from Demi Moore, this movie is a Trial by sausage (another common theme in all Maverick movies.....little to no vagina...hmmmmmm).
Maverick of course does a great job, but the final result is bittersweet. Why? Watch the movie, because frankly I'm tired of talking about it, and I don't really feel like elaborating any further! If you loved Top Gun, and Days of Thunder, then you are really fucked up....and you will probably like this piece of shit too. Damn you Tom Cruise. Damn you sir.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Captain Bosh
Tom Cruise is back as Maverick in the fast paced thriller Days of Thunder! Our salute to Gay Pride Month, and Tom Cruise Week continues!
In this sequel to Top Gun, Maverick finds himself in the fortunate situation of a team that has everything but a driver. Arriving on his motorcycle (Maverick has since upgraded from his crotch rocket to a more layed back 'harley' style ride), Maverick shows the team some hot shot driving and then guarantees that he will win Daytona this year. The first lesson learned in Days of Thunder is that all you need to be a successful NASCAR driver is apparently some cool sunglasses, gloves, access to ESPN and an aching desire for cock.
After a few rough outings, and inability to actually finish a race, Maverick finally reaches common ground with his Pit Crew Chief (played by Robert Duvall) and they start winning races and he becomes one of the best drivers on the circuit. Maverick's nemesis is not Ice Man in Days of Thunder, but rather some asshole named Roddy (again, Maverick's counterpart has a name that could be inferred as a description of a penis? what the fuck?) who torments Maverick till they both end up in a massive crash during a race.
Uh oh. Adversity!
Yep you guessed it. After the accident, Maverick is fine, but his former nemesis turned buddy, Roddy, has swelling on the brain, and can never race again. What does Maverick do? Holy shit, these guys are such pussies! Similiar to how Maverick ran away in Top Gun, and Dean ran away in Youngblood, Maverick continues this mary-ass tradition and quits....for a short period of time! But again, don't worry about letting anyone down, because the door will always be open for you!
Of course during this trying time, his female counterpart (again another failed attempt at making Maverick appear to be heterosexual) who is the doctor treating him (played by Nicole Kidman....coincidentally I think this is the movie where Tom Cruise traded in his Mimi Rogers beard, for his Nicole Kidman beard) reaches out and helps him to get back on the cock, I mean horse.
Maverick returns with a vengeance, and battles his new nemesis and co-sponsored teammate Carey Elwes (this guy is fantastic at playing a dickhead! I can only assume he is a major league prick in real life, or the greatest actor this planet has ever seen!) for the final race at Daytona, which of course has many pitfalls and obstacles to overcome. But guess what, Maverick overcomes them, and we have a really happy ending....similiar to a massage parlor that offers release.
Days of Thunder proves to us, that quitting is good, because there will always be second chances to redeem ones self.....this is probably the most valuable lesson that film can illustrate to us. Second only to violence solves everything! In the end, this movie is very similiar to Top Gun, in that if you removed all the talking and unsuccessful character development you would have a very exciting movie with the best parts of race car driving. Incidentally, NASCAR is teaspoon less boring than Major League Baseball, so at the very least Days of Thunder does create the illusion that the sport is exciting. I guess all Major League Baseball has to do to freshen up their sport is to have players exploded when they slide into home plate.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
TImothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Our salute to Gay Pride Month continues, as we the Knights of the Bad Movie bring you our review of the 1986 classic, Top Gun.
Top Gun was a breakthrough movie for Tom Cruise, because it propelled him to superstardom and also became the prototype template for all of the movies he made thereafter. Tom Cruise stars as Lt. Pete Mitchell, call sign Maverick. Again another important point about Top Gun, is that Maverick became the last character Tom Cruise ever played. Moving on from this film, he eventually used Maverick in every film he acted in after this.
Top Gun on paper is about a flight school designed to improve the dog-fighting skills of pilots (or naval aviators), but under the surface this movie is nothing more than glorified gay pornography. Loaded with sexual innuendos, some implied, other's blatantly thrown in your face (all over your face), Top Gun quickly evolves into a sausage fest in the air.
Maverick along with his partner and navigator Goose (played by the great Anthony Edwards....is it a coincidence that Maverick's partner's name is a term defined as 'grabbing another man's genitals' or perhaps I'm reading into this too much? Perhaps not.) are invited to the Top Gun Academy where they are united with a large group of fellow homosexual pilots. Maverick and Goose meet their eventual nemesis's (frustrated lovers) Iceman (played by Val Kilmer) and Slider (played by Rick Rossovich, a dude who's career includes being killed by Ah-Nuld in the Terminator and playing a Navy Seal, in ...um....Navy Seals) who they go toe to toe with throughout the film. The only woman at this bathhouse with wings is 'Charlie' played by Kelly McGillis, who has the sex appeal of a walrus with a mullet.
Top Gun jabs at us with some spectacular dog fighting sequences between the pilots and their instructors, one of whom is played by the great Michael Ironside. He plays Jester, and in doing so, this marks the first known occurrence of the Ironside Agenda, as Mr. Ironside manages not only to out act everyone in the film, but also portray the only heterosexual in the film. Preceding take off of one of these dog fights, on the runway, Maverick and Goose layout the one line that sums this whole disaster up. 'I feel the need. The need for speed.' Let me just say this. You feel the 'need' gentleman, but it certainly isn't for speed.
Top Gun is also seasoned with a very masculine volleyball game between Maverick and Goose, and Iceman and Slider. These pairs do everything together which makes me wonder what else they do besides fly planes and beach sports. This could be by far the gayest scene in the movie.....3 shirtless men (Anthony Edwards must have been adamant about not joining this sand orgy, thus being the only combatant wearing a shirt) playing volleyball while Kenny Loggin's sings 'Playing with the Boys'....wow! Innuendo, or right in your face? By the way, who the hell plays volleyball in their jeans? Oh yeah Maverick does.
We are also mildly distracted by a love affair between Maverick and Charlie, which while being a complete waste of time in Top Gun, does provide us an opportunity to go to the bathroom, get a beer, or mow the lawn. How Kelly McGillis became a femal lead is beyond me. The woman is not attractive, and she can't really act? I suspect she had some incriminating photos of director Tony Scott. Much like the movie Top Gun itself, her role is pointless and irrelevant. Frankly if this failed attempt at making Maverick appear straight wasn't in the movie, this film probably would have been a pretty decent air battle movie. However, this jacuzzi created by Top Gun is one they will never emerge from.
Fortunately for Goose he leaves the film with some dignity by dying (this is a spoiler by the way) and of course Maverick faced with adversity, quits like a pussy (see Youngblood, this is a recurring theme in these movies by the way, as our heroes have some problems then run away from them....teaching us that quitting is cool!) and runs away, only to have the head instructor have him say some nice things about his dad to inspire him to return and graduate from the Top Gun Academy. Try that at your job next time. Quit, and then come back a week later....I'm sure everything will be just fine, and your employer and co-workers will be waiting for you with open arms.
Top Gun does end with a pretty sweet air battle between us and those evil Russian bastards (remember it's 1986 so it's totally cool to hate them). It's funny how American made planes can sustain massive amounts of damage and either continue flying or leave it's occupants time to eject to safety. Not so, with Russian made jets. These flying Pintos explode if they hit clouds. The finale concludes with Maverick and Iceman saving the day, and then on the deck of an aircraft carrier, surrounded by hundreds of men....embrace. Long and hard.
As I said earlier, Top Gun, minus everything that doesn't involve plane battles would have been outstanding. However, it's loaded (and I mean loaded) with much more than that...and thus robs itself of multiple Hamlins.
Hamlin Grade: 2
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
For those of you who do not know June is Pride month! I had almost forgotten this fact until I read Pat's very gay review of Youngblood earlier this week. So to commemorate the celebration of the rainbow nation, I have chosen to review another glorious performance by the great Mark Gregory. You may recall his fabulous portrayal of Trash, the suspect gang leader, in 1990 Bronx Warriors and Escape from the Bronx (Bronx Warriors 2). Well, Mr. Gregory did indeed escape from the Bronx to star in Thunder Warrior 2! You may be wondering, "Where is the review on the original Thunder Warrior?" After viewing Mr. Gregory's prancing on screen I did some research to find more film documenting this bewildering creature. I found he stars in Thunder Warrior 2 & 3, but not in the first, so I skipped the appetizer and went straight for the main course!
Mark Gregory stars as Luis Martinez, better known as Thunder! Apparently Thunder is back playing a sheriff's deputy out to clean up an Indian village in New Mexico. In Escape from the Bronx, the evil corporation wanted to relocate the residence of the Boggy Down to solar homes in New Mexico. Coincidence? I think not! Just part of the rich tapestry, which is woven through bad cinema. Anyway, Thunder is framed for murder and possession of drugs by a corrupt cop named Rusty (these two have a rift that goes back to the first movie.) Thunder is arrested and brought to prison, shirtless, in the back of a pickup that is boxed in by a chain linked fence....I don't understand either. With the help of fellow inmates, Cookie and Jeff, Thunder escapes prison. Perhaps one of the easiest prison breaks I've ever seen, including a conveniently placed ramp which a stolen squad car can jump in slow motion!! Yah....It's breath taking! The only thing on Thunder's mind now is to protect his pregnant wife Sienna. Reunited through the help of his lawyer, Tomas (who is constantly hitting the flask and loves to get blind drunk), Thunder and Sienna plan to flee New Mexico. Unfortunately for them, Rusty is hot on their trail flying in a helicopter (this blew the budget) and is determined to kill Thunder. Chase follows, jeep is flipped and Sienna's injuries cause her to loose the baby. Anyone can guess it's only a matter of time before we see Thunder behind the wheel of a Firebird in full war paint! No, I'm not kidding, it's that good!!
At the end of the day, Thunder Warrior 2 is a cheap rip off of Billy Jack, if there can be such a thing....Oh yah, there it is; Thunder Warrior 2 and it is glorious!
Hamlin Grade: 5
Fletch is a killing word!
The Punisher. Yeah. Isn't the goal when remaking a movie to make it better than the original? Otherwise what's the point. So why in this 2004 version of The Punisher, when you double the budget and add twice the number of stars do you end up with half the movie that the original was?
First off. Remaking the Punisher, a movie that Dolph Lundgren rocked the house in borders on sacreligious. So you replace Dolph Lundgren with Thomas Jane? Yeah the man's in shape, but he's like 5'5" tall? It's the Punisher, not the Pussy.
Secondly. The one thing Marvel really has to understand, is that origins of characters in comic book based movies do not need to encompass the first 45 minutes of the film. Holy shit what a waste of time. Aside from completely changing the original origin of the character (Frank Castle's family was shot in a random gang shooting while on a picnic in a park) you wasted half the movie on it. Deliver the character's roots, and get on with the story. Same with the villians. Who cares how a bad guy became bad. All we need to know, is that he is bad, and he is fighting against the good guy.
This 2004 Punisher stars John Travolta as the evil Howard Saint who gives the order (it was actually at his wife's request) to kill Frank Castle's (Thomas Jane) entire family at a reunion, after Saint's son is killed during a gun smuggling operation, that Detective Castle set up. So, Saint's henchmen travel to Bermuda (or the Bahamas) and massacre his entire family, and I mean entire family. Uncles, Aunts, grandparents, cousins, nephews, etc. Ok that's the first 45 minutes of the movie. The Punisher hasn't even been created yet. Oh, almost forgot. Prior to the massacre, Castle's son buys his dad a gift. A black t-shirt with a skull on it. 'It's supposed to ward of evil spirits dad!" Really son? Does it. This is where I almost shut the film off. Now the Punisher is going to go around wearing the really cool skull shirt, killing all the bad guys who killed his son who bought him the really cool skull shirt. Clever right? Wrong.
The Punisher's first bad ass explosive scene. He goes to the court house and pleads to the District Attorney to make some arrests on those involved with his families killings. He almost whines. Dolph would have blown the shit out of that place!
Rather than go on a Punisher style rampage and mow down good fellas with artillery, the 2004 Pussy Punisher weaves a clever plan of deception against the bad guys who fall for it and eventually turn on each other. Are you kidding me? The biggest weapon he carries is a shotgun. Dolph was walking around with M-60's. Dolph's kung-fu is strong. Thomas Jane has no Kung Fu. This Punisher is a far cry from the original. I was expecting him to ground the bad guys at some points rather than kill them.
A word on John Travolta. He has slowly becoming a parody of himself again, and is ready to go back into another career coma like he did in the 80's. It's only a matter of time before he disappears again for a decade and some hip director picks him up and throws him into a film 50 lbs. overweight. Look Tony I'm dancin'!
If you want to see a good movie about the Punisher, avoid this 2004 watered down piece of shit. The movie itself is punishing to watch. Check out the original.
Somewhere, Dolph Lundgren is laughing.
Dolph Dolph.
Hamlin Grade: 3.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Your Knights of the Bad Movie gathered last Saturday and reviewed over 12 hours of bad cinema for our benefit and yours. How you ask? Beer and Scotch my friends. Both will make a bad movie go down smooth.
There were some issues on the table that needed to be discussed, specifically our Top Five Worst, which may be changing in the very near future because of what we saw last Saturday. Expect official word from Duges for the confirmation. In any case, here's a list of the bad movies we watched:
Troll 2
Cybernator
1990: Bronx Warriors
Hobgoblins
Spring Break Shark Attack
Dead Alive
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Patrick Swayze and Rob Lowe do for hockey players what Tom Cruise did for bartenders. Make certain that everyone thinks that they are gay. If the goal of the movie Youngblood was to paint a picture of homosexuals who occassionally enjoy ice skating.....mission accomplished my friends!
Youngblood re-unites former 'Outsiders' cast members Patrick Swayze and Rob Lowe in a tale of young hockey players trying to make it to the next level. Yes, Keanu Reeves is also in the movie, but this needs to be made clear. Whenever Youngblood is advertised on television it is done so falsely by stating that Keanu is the third star of this film. I had a bigger part in this movie. Keanu has one line, and he totally fucks it up (similiar to how Jean Claude Van Damme blew his 8 words in No Retreat No Surrender) by trying to speak with an accent of unknown origin (similiar to Kevin Costner's failed attempt at being English in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves).
Dean Youngblood (Rob Lowe) is a young American hockey player who gets an invitation to try out with a Canadian Junior team, the Hamilton Mustangs. Of course before he can leave he has to get the Uncle Owen Star Wars bullshit from his father that he needs his help on the farm. After some arguing and a little support from his brother, Dean is on his way! I know it's heartwarming.
Youngblood makes the team, after an impressive showing and a pummelling by Carl Racki (who will become his eventual nemesis in the film). From this point forward, Youngblood becomes Brokeback Mountain on ice. Apparently when you join the Mustangs, you must go through a ritual, which is nothing short of prison gang rape. Youngblood is accosted by his teammates, stripped down buck nekkid and secured to a massage table. Derek Sutton (Swayze) captain of the Mustangs appears wearing a jock strap over is nose and mouth, and with the help of the team, apply some Barbisol, and shave Mr. Youngblood's genitals. Hmmmm....gay....or psychic phenomenon? Gay! At this point being a farmer doesn't sound so bad...at least there you rape and shave the cattle, not the other way around.....unless you live in Wisconsin.
In order to redeem himself Youngblood finds solace between the legs of Miss McGill and Coach Chadwick's daughter Jesse. Although this turns out to be merely a beard because Youngblood's true colors shine when he faces his first test of adversity. His buddy Derek Sutton is intentionally injured by his nemesis Carl Racki and Youngblood, rather than face this challenge head on, packs his bags, quits the team and runs home to the farm.
After a few days of verbal (and probably sexual) abuse from his brother Kelly, Youngblood begins working out and training to learn how to fight. Within 48 hours, he has clearly developed the fighting skills of Rocky Balboa and returns to the team on the final game of the season against the Thunder Bay Bombers (Racki's team). Coach Chadwick (played by the great Ed Lauter) takes him back thanks to the encouragement of Sutton. Their is a long embrace. Wait. Ok embrace ends.....there is also a knowing glance, but maybe it's just me. It is Swayze we are talking about here.
Youngblood helps the Mustangs, scores a couple goals, gets a playoff shot, and puts the lotion in the basket. With three seconds left in the game, the Mustangs on top, Youngblood stays on the ice to face off against Carl Racki. Actually he refuses to come off and Coach Chadwick reluctantly agrees and also reminds him to watch his 'stick' (little inuendo there? I think so). Typically, Youngblood and Racki fight it out at center ice. This is probably the most predictable fight since Rocky 5, but what makes it funny, is the cornacopia of homosexual references that follow. This tribute to the Village People ends with Carl Racki stating 'I'm gonna shove that stick right up your ass"....then follows up with " You're mine Youngblood"....to which Youngblood retorts "I'm right here waiting for you Racki"....hot enought for you?
Not since No Retreat No Surrender have I seen a film better display the virtue that the only way to solve your problems is through violence, and I don't think there has been a gayer sports movie since Days of Thunder. If you are looking for a movie about hockey this is not your film. If you are looking for Swayze, hot man-ass, men shaving other men, stick fighting....well...look no further my friends. Look no further. Your movie is ready.
Hamlin Grade: 4
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
I can not find the words to describe what this week has been like for me, so I decided to quote a far better writer than I ever hope to be. "Imagine such a corpse a prey to flames, devoured by the fire of burning brimstone and giving off dense choking fumes of nauseous loathsome decomposition. And then imagine this sickening stench, multiplied a millionfold again from the millions upon millions of fetid carcasses massed together in the reeking darkness, a huge and rotting human fungus. Imagine all this, and you will have some idea of the horror of the stench of hell" These are the magnificent words of the great James Joyce. Whatever hardships inspired Joyce to poetically weave these words of pain and suffering pale to the horrors one endures from Costner!
Yes my friends, it's Friday, and the long and weary road that has been Costner week comes to a close. I barely have enough energy to write, for the evilness of Costner has taken its toll. For you, my beloved Bad Movie Knights, I will find the strength to write one more review.
1983 brought to the big screen (as my friend so gracefully put it) yuppies, with problems in the form of The Big Chill. A group of friends are reunited years after their college days, at the University of Michigan, by the suicide of one of their collegiac buddies. As depressing as all this may seem, The Big Chill's cast gives a refreshing breath of humanity and comic relief to a sad situation. Tom Berrenger, William Hurt, Kevin Kline and Jeff Goldblum, deliver outstanding performances, and Glenn Close was given an Oscar nomination as best actress for her efforts in this film. I know what you're thinking....Jeff Goldblum? We at Bad Movie Knights will deal with Mr. Goldblum in good time! At any rate, The Big Chill has a fantastic soundtrack to boot. All and all, this movie is well crafted and not a typical movie for review here at BMK. If you are feeling at a loss with my seemingly random ramblings, do not fret!
What on Earth does this all have to do with Kevin Costner? Wait my friends, it will all become clear in a moment. God I hate Costner! He makes me so angry, I just want to....I'm sorry let me refocus. The Big Chill happens to contain Costner's greatest performance! Those of you who have seen this film may be scratching your heads right now because you can not remember seeing his usual sub, sub-par theatrical efforts. No, there aren't any cowboys or baseball players in this one. Who could he be? He embodies a role he was born to play; a corpse! Finally a role which requires no pulse! Originally the film was supposed to contain flashback scenes featuring Costner's character, which fortunately found their way to the cutting room floor. For this reason The Big Chill is Costner's greatest role!
Hamlin Grade: 10
Fletch is a killing word!
 Just when you thought it was safe to turn your T.V. back on.....Kevin Costner's ego strikes! Costner week continues with our review of For Love of the Game....perhaps the most excruciatingly painful movie we have ever sat through. Thankfully there is only one more day of this self-prescribed nightmare left.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
This movie should have been titled For the Love of Christ. I don't think you could possibly find a more self-indulgent piece of shit bad movie anywhere in Hollywood. Costner. We get it. You like baseball. Get over it.
For Love of the Game offers us a glimpse of Detroit Tigers pitcher Billy Chapel's (played by Kevin Costner) career in what is most likely his last game. It almost goes without saying that this film clearly defines The Costner Club. First flaw in this movie, made in 1999, probably the height of the Major League Baseball steroid era, most 20 year veteran's careers are just starting up, not winding down. Ok, let's imagine, that Billy Chapel, is the one player in baseball who doesn't take steroids (i know that is a serious leap of faith, but as always, suspend disbelief), and his hall of fame career is almost over.
For Love of the Game basically shows us an entire baseball game, which leads us to the second flaw of the movie. When has a baseball game ever taken only 2 hours and 18 minutes to play? Unless we are blessed with a rain delay, expect to lose a sizeable portion of your day (pack a lunch, book, change of clothes, and all the vaseline you can carry).
Is For Love of the Game just a movie about baseball? Of course not. It is also a love story (terrific!). Peppered throughout the movie, are flashbacks of Billy Chapel's love life with the lovely Jane (played by Kelly Preston). Chapel's relationship with Jane has fallen apart and while pitching he mulls over where he and they went wrong. This emphasizes my point about how much this sport sucks the donkey ass. Baseball has always been described as the 'thinking man's' game....why? Because if you don't think about something else you will be pummelled into unconciousness through shear boredom. Prior to what is going to be Chapel's final game, Jane (total bitch that she is) says she's leaving him. Couldn't have waited till the end of the season huh? Had to make sure you he crashed and burned in front of all of New York Yankees Stadium? Well this one backfired on you Jane!
If you aren't already asleep at this point, you will find that Billy Chapel with his heart on his sleeve discovers through his endless thinking, that he is a few outs away from pitching a perfect game. By the way, for the record, a perfect game in baseball is when no one get's a hit. That is excitement! Anyway, Billy Chapel finishes off the perfect game then races to catch Jane at the airport before she leaves him. If you weren't asleep you will be now, in fact I highly recommend this bad movie for those with insomnia, and constipation.
The one thing For Love of the Game does accomplish is that in the end it is excrutiatingly more boring than an actual Major League Baseball game. If given the option, I would watch a baseball game over this animated self portrait of Coster's giant head and ego. If there were a third option to receive a kick to the crotch from a horse....well, you know where I'd be.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
