Even after the apocolypse, we aren't safe from Costner's giant ego!

In 1995, Waterworld was made famous for being the biggest financial flop ever in Hollywood. With a blue book value pushing the scales at $200 million, Waterworld is probably the most expensive bad movie ever made (except for Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace, and The Bronx Executioner). Sure it gives us exciting action sequences, generous helpings of Kevin Costner's face, wildly imaginative water based vehicles (yeah I could have just said boats), generous helpings of Kevin Costner's face, unique set designs, and generous helpings of Kevin Costner's face, but at it's core, Waterworld is just another bad movie. Even with it's massive budget, it still fails to achieve the level of excellence that films like Troll 2, and Cybernator did, at just a fraction of the cost.

My compliments to Mr. Costner for making a film in which he isn't a cowboy or a baseball player.....or a cowboy who plays baseball, or baseball player who enjoys cowboying.....however it could be argued that his character in Waterworld, the Mariner, is cowboy-esque (and I suspect he likes baseball).

Waterworld is the story of what happens after global warming has melted the polar ice caps and flooded the entire planet. The film focuses on the survivors, who have taken to the sea, on oil tankers, jet skis, katamarans, floatillas, barges, the occasional sea-plane, and other water based vehicles (boats to the layman) as they attempt to cultivate a life, as meager as it may be.....unless you are Costner! Even in a damned world, Costner's character, the Mariner has a sweet ride! He travels the oceans of the world, trading with the occassional sea traveler, or sea communities. The Mariner is also a mutant. He has gills and webbed feet, so he can swim underwater! Yay!

The Mariner meets up with Helen (played by Jeanne Tripplehorn) and a young girl at one of these trading communities and rescues them from the Smokers as they attack. The Smokers are a group of assholes led by Dennis Hopper, who are a gasoline-based society (thus making them evil) living on an old oil tanker. They are after the young girl who has a map tatooed on her back which will apparently lead to the last place on Earth where there is still land.

What follows is essentially the Road Warrior on water. Instead of hunting gasoline, the bad guys are hunting the little girl. If you hadn't realized yet, the good guys utilize the power of wind....nature always prevails (see Rocky 4 if you don't believe me, Fletch's old high school buddy was kind enough to explain that Rocky beat Drago because he trained with nature and Drago trained using technology....had nothing to do with the fact that he was a better boxer? Anyway, Fletch's friend is most certainly in jail by now) and so does Costner's gigantic ego! Thankfully, the Mariner is one of those solitary type characters, so aside from long extended close-ups on his face, we don't have to sit through hours of his neverending diatribes. His character is so predictable, and such a miserable asshole, that even after saving the day and finding land for the ladies and the rest of the community, he opts to jump back on his boat ( water based vehicle) and travel the seas alone.

Waterworld does provide some fairly decent action sequences, but for the most part, this movie is like checking out a car accident on the side of the road. For $200 million you have to slow down and take a look. In fairness, I think part of the over blown costs, were because their sets were destroyed during a hurricane....sadly, there is no force on Earth that can destroy Costner's ego.

Hamlin Grade: 1

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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