The Postman stars the gigantic ego of Kevin Costner. Tipping the scales at a monumental 3+ hours (it seems like 6 or 7 really), The Postman is another blatant example of the Costner Club.

The year is 2013, the earth has been ravaged by war (typically Costner finds a way to survive another holocaust, see Waterworld). All that remains are remote, scattered communities, roaming bands of thugs, and Kevin Costners massive ego. The Postman is about a drifter (played by Costner) who travels with his mule from community to community putting on Shakespearean plays in exchange for food and shelter. While performing for one town, he is 'recruited' (captured) by a group called the 8. The 8 are a lame ass attempt to restore order, law and civilization, by recruiting members by force and turning them into soldiers, who basically go from town to town taking whatever they need, raping, pillaging and generally behaving like Duke Lacrosse players. Finding life with the 8 disagreeable, the drifter escapes (he also kills that jackass Giovanni Ribisi, who has to be the most annoying actor since Dakota Fanning).

Seeking shelter, the drifter finds solace in the wreckage of a mail plane (it may have been a truck, I can't really remember nor do I really care) and as entertainment begins reading the mail that is contained within. Donning the dead mailman's clothing, he proceeds to the next town, impersonating a mailman as a con to receive some food. By luck, one of the letters belongs to some old bitch in the town (who's blind and has to have someone read it to her...it's really fucking touching) and they let the Postman in. The Postman concocts an elaborate tale about how the government is back (under newly elected President Starky, the jackasses in town actually bought it too) and the mail service is just the start. Little did the drifter realize that his little ruse, would inspire the townspeople to create their own post office, and help to spread the word of the Postman, and basically make us sit through another 2 hours of this bullshit.

General Bethlehem (played by the lazy-eyed Will Patton) the leader of the 8, becomes more and more of an asshole as he realizes that more communities are embracing the ways of the Post office rather than that of the Nazi-esque lifestyle of the 8. Bethlehem begins executing postmen as he captures them and follows a trail that leads him directly to the original.

The finale which is ridiculous, because the General doesn't recognize the Postman. Now I realize he only spent a short period of time with the 8, but the Postman's escape and his presence were certainly a blemish on Bethlehem's credibility and something not easily forgotten. So after some re-introductions, there is a typical fight to the death. By the way, before the war, and before he became a warlord, General Bethlehem was an accomplished Xerox salesman.....Xerox salesmen as you know, are the deadliest of combatants. Xerox man, versus the Mail man! Place your bets!

My only wish was that The Postman delivered me from itself. Keep an eye out for the sequel to this film due out in late 2008....a 6 hour epic entitled The UPS Man!

Hamlin Grade: 1

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat