Well, it's finally here. Our first review request. Tentacles. Our friend Chris suggested this film a month ago, so as promised here is the review of Tentacles.

Tentacles is a bad movie. Really bad. This is another film that used the 'Jaws' template, and in place of a shark, used a giant octopus. Where did this Octopus come from? An evil corporation called Trojan Construction, the head of which is Mr. Whitehead, played by Henry Fonda (I know, I was thinking the same thing...Hank what the fuck?) is building a huge tunnel underground, blah blah, poisons water, blah blah blah, mutates octopus, blah blah blah, said octopus starts attacking sun bathers at a nearby beach. Blah blah. Dolph Dolph.

The giant octopus is essentially a normal sized octopus in an aquarium that they shot once and kept reusing (remember Battle Star Galactica, how there were 4 or 5 space battle shots, that they just kept replaying over and over? same shit here). There is a life size head they occasionally use to ram ships and pop out of the water to give you the impression that the octopus is hunting it's prey. It's amazingly life-like.

The real surprise in Tentacles is how they managed to dupe some pretty big actors into joining the cast. Henry Fonda. The star of 12 Angry men. It seems to me that Mr. Fonda fell victim to the Aniston Effect late in his career. Maybe he had a few senior moments, because he seems to have had a penchant for natural disaster films. After Tentacles he starred in 'The Swarm' (oh hell yeah i will be punching holes in that one soon), and the 'Meteor' (which I'm pretty sure I saw, and it was so bad, I really have no desire to relive it, here or on the screen). Shelley Winters. Luckily for us, this fat bitch shows up to portray the same annoying drunk she does in every film. Remember the original 'Poseidon Adventure', when she died after swimming underwater....man that was some funny shit. I hate you Shelley Winters. I hate you.

So after several random attacks, first on a helpless child, then a pirate looking dude (this guy is great, he actually has a peg leg, a PEG LEG! Dude, it's 1977, i think they could have supplied you with some form of orthotic!) , the octopus hits a large yacht and finally kills a bunch of kids during a regatta (this scene is almost identical to that hilarious moment in Jaws when the mom realizes Alex Kitner got chewed up by the shark, and starts shouting Alex....Alex...Alex.....hahahah sorry lady! A woman who's son doesn't appear basically re-ennacts that entire heart warming scene for us) That's when the oceanagrapher / killer whale lover gets called in (imagine a very gay Quint on a sailboat) to stop the octopus. What better way to hunt down the octopus then with his pals Shamu and Mamu....ugh. Yes he runs out to sea with them and then oh who the fuck cares.

Tentacles sucks. Yeah this is a bad movie, but it's painfully boring and tedious, much like watching a Major League Baseball game. This movie could have been cut down to 30 minutes, and it probably still would have been too long. If Shelly Winters died in this I probably would have given it an extra Hamlin. As for our friend Chris, who recommended this film. Well he certainly delivered a piece of shit unto us. Do we like him? Let's just say if Chris was sitting across from me in a hot tub....I'd give him the guy nod. Well done sir, and keep them coming.

Hamlin Grade: 2

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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