My friends you are in for a treat. A year ago this made for TV beauty aired one hot summer Sunday evening and it delivers today as it did then. My colleague Chris and I could not stop talking about how awful this bad movie was. Spring Break Shark Attack is a must have for any serious bad movie collector (I sound like I'm trying to sell you a fucking Civil War chess set).

The opening of this movie is brilliant. If you only watch the first 5 minutes, till the title Spring Break Shark Attack appears.....you will be hooked.

The setup for Spring Break Shark Attack is pretty simple. A young girl named Danielle wants to catch-up with her friends down in Florida during Spring Break, and does so against her father's wishes (there's a feeble attempt at character development with the dad, apparently he cheated on his wife and oh who gives a shit, cuz really you won't either). In Florida we meet the rest of the cast which includes, Danielles' two girlfriends, two jackasses who are producing 'Girls Unleashed' (one is an accomplished date rapist I might add, who employs the popular date rape drug Rufenol ) Danielle's brother Charlie (a marine biologist who is studying an odd phenomenon in the waters off the beach where Danielle is....hmmmmmmmmm), Shane, the deep, yet sensitive, book store loving boat guy, and Joel (played by Bryan Brown, the English asshole from Cocktail) a man who enjoy's chartering boats from Shane's mom.

Now the beach in Spring Break Shark Attack has been recently upgraded with a man-made reef (which we never see, suspend disbelief as always) which will inspire a variety of tropical sea creatures to migrate there and make a home. Tropical creatures like....THE KRACKEN!!! Just kidding. The only one concerned about this reef is Danielle's brother Charlie (remember the conveniently on-hand marine biologist?) because of the ecological consequences. Also because another beach tried the whole fake reef thing and were overrun with sharks. But for now, fuck Charlie and his ideas, we won't need him and his paranoia till much later in the film.

It's not all sharks in Spring Break Shark Attack, it's also Spring Break....which introduces us to J.T., one of the producers of a 'Girls gone Wild' kind of video and as I said earlier a professional date rapist (there is an awkward scene in a bar, where he says hello to one of his 'victims' and she gets upset and walks away...the look on his face was priceless, somewhere between stunned and sad and he could only be thinking..."Damn girl, I gave you some good raping last summer"). J.T. takes all of 30 seconds to let us know what a douche bag he is (the guy playing him is either the best actor since Al Pacino, or a major league asshole in real life). J.T. takes interest in Danielle immediately (i assume because she is rape-able?). Danielle however is torn between J.T., and Shane, the boat loving book store guy....because he's so deep. Insert about 30 minutes of uneccessary and very unsuccessful character development and you pretty much have the 'non-shark' sequences covered in Spring Break Shark Attack.

While it's all fun and rape on the beach, Joel (Cocktail asshole), who happens to be a successful resort owner from a competing beach, is chartering Shane's mom's boats, and using them to chum the waters of the Spring Rape beach. This, along with the new reef has drawn in schools of Tiger sharks, the only sharks that aren't afraid to attack man according to Charlie (ummmm what about Great White's dick head? I think even Fletcher's aquatic friend Chris will agree to that).

Start the Blood Pumps! I am so not kidding! I had no idea human beings bodies were under so much pressure, because apparently when a shark bites us we explode (think of the explosions on the ocean's surface from The Hunt for Red October). During the final scene, when hundreds of tiger sharks attack the Spring Rape beach there are geysers of blood shooting up everywhere. If I was actually there live, I would be laughing my ass off. J.T. is also on the beach during the attack, bet you can't guess what happens to him! While the beach is under assault, Shane, Danielle, and Charlie team up to save the day. By filling a lobster pod with fish parts and blood, they are going to lure the sharks back away from the beach, and out to sea. Biggest flaw in the movie here.....the lobster pod, roughly the size of a chest is tossed into the water.....the water which by the way is red from all of the people that have been killed (because we explode)....miraculously, the sharks are attracted to the lobster pod and follow the boat out to sea. Way to go team!

Spring Break Shark Attack is not without it's lessons. Shane taught Danielle (and me) that if tiger sharks are attacking, all you have to is stay still and they won't bother you. Charlie also developed a tiger shark repellant, which was essentially a machine that made bubbles. Sharks hate bubbles. So sit still in the water, and fart, and you will be free of any danger (other than watching this movie).

I highly recommend Spring Break Shark Attack. The acting is over the top, the story is ridiculous, the special effects are hilarious and there's lots of high quality rape....what more do you need?

Hamlin Grade: 7

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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