Bad Movie Knight's favorites Daniel Bernhardt and James Hong of Bloodsport 2: The Next Kumite reunite to bring us G2 Mortal Conquest! Thank goodness for that!

G2 Mortal Conquest pits Steven Colin (Daniel Bernhardt) against the evil Parmenion (James Hong) who are fighting a battle which has spanned 2000 years. I know it sounds confusing. That's because it is. In past lives, Colin, using the sword of Alexander the Great battled Parmenion and his forces 2000 years ago...and apparently lost. Reincarnated, Parmenion, and his forces must stop Colin from winning a ridiculous martial arts tournament (similiar to the Bloodsport's Kumite, except they use swords and other weapons, and it's to the death. One dude even shoots fire...pretty sweet, althought Bernhardt kicks his ass) and winning the sword of Alexander the Great back, and becoming King. King of what? The dip shits of course.

So in the year 2003, Colin and Parmenion, are reincarnated, along with Parmenion's chick, Colin's veiled babe, who is now a detective, and Parmenion's entire army who are now cool looking guys in dark black suits with swords and uzis.....brilliantly convenient. 2000 years after their first battle everyone is reunited. The bad guys of course know exactly who they are. Colin and the detective must wait the entire movie to figure out that they were once lovers before they can have sex (this love scene is so weak that I almost fast forwarded it).

Colin of course finally figures out who Parmenion is, and enter's the tournament, to try and win the prize (hmmmm do I smell some Highlander copyright infringement?) which is the sword of Alexander the Great. He also get's some help from his detective / lover / past lover friend who throws down with Parmenion's babe. Terrific.

G2 Mortal Conquest makes no sense. The title has nothing to do with the movie. I'm still baffled by it. Also, at the end, when Colin goes to retrieve the sword, it is embedded in a stone.....which only he is able to free. Ummmm.....can King Arthur and Merlin sue your ass?

G2 Mortal Conquest is pretty fucking lame. The fight scenes are funny as hell, and really are the only thing worth watching. I know we celebrate bad acting on this site, but holy shit. Aside from the dude that played Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China, can you guys find an actor that at least performed in a school play or something? The weapons in this movie are great too. I made better swords when I was a kid. Then look like pieces of wood wrapped in tin foil. Props to the Props department. Keep you finger on the fast forward button and rifle through G2 Mortal Conquest,.....it may actually be an enjoyable 20 minutes, as opposed to completely wasting 2 hours.

Hamlin Grade: 2.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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