Def-Con 4. What a steaming pile of mule shit this film is. I'm still amazed sometimes how crap like this actually gets made.

Def-Con 4, follows the traditional early 80's love affair that Hollywood had with nuclear holocaust (see Damnation Alley), but this has to be one of the poorest executions of said theme I have ever seen. The basic plot is about a group of astronauts living on a space station who witness World War 3 from their unique vantage point, and after the war ends decide to travel back to Earth to see what has happened (ummmm what do you think?). One of the astronauts recieves a message from his wife who details some of what is happening, ( typical post-nuke society... radioactive freaks, pillaging, raping....similiar to a Duke Lacrosse Team practice) and he leads the campaign to return to Earth.

Following their re-entry and landing on the planet, they are met with wave after wave of asshole. Really what this movie has taught me is that nuclear radiation makes you an asshole. Sure it mutates some people, and makes them gross and bloody, but for the most part, it's just a personality-changer. Also, radiation and nuclear fire are apparently a great source of fertilizer. Def-Con 4 accurately portrays a picturesque nuclear landscape with lush forests and thick vegetation....so if you are having trouble with your tomatoes this summer, set off a nuke in your vegetable garden!

Def-Con 4 has probably one of the finest covers ever on a movie, but after that this film is just tragic. The main astronaut is annoying, the school boy turned holocaust dictator is a complete asshole, and I'm just going to stop there because everyone in this movie sucks equally. This film is on par with The Bronx Executioner on almost every level, but the production value is slightly better. If you really have nothing else to do, and that includes playing in traffic, then check this out, otherwise pretend this disaster doesn't exist, and just move along.

Hamlin Grade: 1

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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