Agent Red brings us our first bad movie encounter with the legendary Dolph Lundgren. Now while watching this and hoping for the wheels to come off I have to come clean and say that Dolph is really not that bad of an actor. Will we ever see him as the protagonist to Pacino one day, probably not (unless Al signs on to do Gigli 2...dude what the fuck were you thinking?), but Dolph has carved at a nice little niche for himself in the B-movie world.

Agent Red is a blatant example of The Ironside Agenda because after Dolph Lundgren, the actors are just people that stand around and spit out lines with the feeling and emotion of a well-sodomized corpse.

The story of Agent Red is pretty simple. Agent Red is actually a chemical that the United States 'regretfully' created that could be used as a nerve toxin. You'll hear the term 'slate cleaner' several times as this agent can apparently kill an individual in 12 minutes upon exposure (much like this film). The Russians stole Agent Red from the U.S. in the 50's but now the new government wishes to return it to the United States for safe-keeping because they feel the instability of their country will lead to it's eventual capture. So....en route to the U.S. via nuclear submarine, Russian terrorists takeover and capture the Agent Red, and plan to release it on New York City and Moscow. But they forgot one small detail. DOLPH LUNDGREN MOTHER FUCKERS!!! Oh yeah! No one steals nerve toxin while Dolph is on the job (say his name, it's so fun...Dolph, Dolph, Dolph). He and his fiancee (a bio weapons expert with huge breast implants, that are never displayed sadly) work together in an Under Seige (Steven Seagal) type scenario to stop the terrorists and save the day (Dolph, Dolph).

Now what makes this a bad movie, is unique from other bad movies. Yes the actors should be lined up and shot, and their families should be trampled by a herd of rabid, homosexual, rhinos....but this bad movie really goes beyond just horrible acting....the editor is partly (or wholly) responsible for this disaster (or gem). Many sequences in Agent Red, especially the larger budget explosions and action sequences have been pillaged from other films. At first I thought I was seeing things, but then after several shots I had to do some rewinding. Now, understand, I grew up being raised by a VCR, so very few things slip past me when it comes to the world of film, especially ass hemmorraging pieces of shit like this. During a sequence in the beginning of the film, Dolph is shown a video of what Agent Red can do...most of the footage from this sequence was taken from Red Dawn (the scene where the russian troops are wearing snow camouflage while tracking Daryl, the jackass who ate the transmitter...they even show the tracking device!).....next was a scene where the terrorists blow up a broken down ship, the explosion footage was raped from Blown Away starring Tommy Lee Jones, and Jeff Bridges (you can actually see Tommy Lee and Jeff (probably their stunt men) running down the dock to escape the explosion during the scene!). Most of the underwater sub footage is from Crimson Tide (I'm pretty certain on this one, but feel free to call me out on it) and they continue to re-use the same shot over and over again, as it takes 10+ torpedoes to destroy this 'unique' submarine...huh? (Dolph, Dolph).

Another nice surprise is the Admiral on the air craft carrier was from the early 80's TV show Red Alert. Good to see that he can still find work, and C. Thomas Howell is washing cars somewhere after his brief cameo on 24. I digress.....anyway, give some love to Dolph. The man does an outstanding job in Agent Red and you most certainly haven't seen the last of this performer on Bad Movie Knights!

Hamlin Grade: 2

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Dolph, Dolph.