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 This anomaly is a very close cousin to the "Pitted or Unpitted? and as far as I’m concerned the only reason why Seagal is even in movies (aside from rocking that sweet pony tail for years). And also like the “Pitted or Unpitted? is absolutely brilliant in it’s simplicity. Here’s how it works: Say “Steven Seagal", then say the word “IS" then say the title of any of his movies, that’s it your done.... “Steven Seagal IS Above the Law", “Steven Seagal IS Hard to Kill", Steven Seagal IS Marked for Death". See, brilliant!
Not only does the Seagal Syntax allow you to have an inexplicable long running movie career, but it also gets you some quality tail, like Kelly LeBrock, I mean super stud Ilan Mitchell-Smith of “Weird Science" got a piece of that before Steven, so there MUST be something to the Syntax....
You spend two minutes alone, and you feel shame
Duges
I own a few bad movies as you may have guessed, but in preparation for Costner Week I could not bring myself to purchase Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Unfortunately, this is one of the few movies my parents own, so I've seen this movie multiple times (yes, I'm a masochist!) and am familiar with this slanderous interpretation of Robin Hood.
I like to brush away the cobwebs to write a review, however, so I bit the bullet and got a Blockbuster card. After I filled out the application and got my cool little laminated card, I searched the store for this lack-luster film. Apparently there are many other masochists out there who loathe themselves as much as I, because the movie was checked out! I know, I couldn't believe it either! So I shall attempt to recall the awful visions this movie created, visions I've made every effort to block from my mind.
It's the classic Robin Hood scenario; Sheriff of Nottingham, Maid Marian, Sherwood Forest, Blah, Blah, and Blah. In this 1991 version they spice it up a bit by adding a couple of characters in the form of Azeem (Morgan Freeman) and Will Scarlet (Christian Slater.) I believe this marked the beginning of the end of Mr. Slater's career. Wow, Christian Slater's character Will Scarlet is really....no, he can't be! He is! He's Robin Hood's half brother! Yah, who cares! It doesn't make up for the fact that he's a prickly little chode! Then there is Morgan Freeman. Mr. Freeman, sir, why would you do this? I'd like to think he owed someone an incredible sum of money, much like his character Azeem, who is repaying a life debt. Mr. Freeman's performance is only outshone by Alan Rickman's portrayal of the Sheriff of Nottingham. Oozing with smarminess, Rickman's Nottingham rules the land in such a heartless way that it makes you root for the bad guys. That last point I made is certainly helped by the fact that Costner plays Nottinghams's nemesis .
O how I loathe thee, Kevin Costner! Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves is yet another movie to showcase Kevin Costner and why he sucks! God, he just makes me so angry, if the Emperor were here I'm sure he would feel the hate swelling within me! This jerk can't decide weather or not he's going to speak with the most horrible English accent or not. It fades in and out. This fact has been well documented and Costner has been widely panned for it with good reason.
Well we could go on and on flogging a dead horse but .. . oh wait I almost forgot the score, that music . . .
WHY?! I really couldn't think of a more potent duo than Brian Adams and Kevin Costner! Has Costner been sent back in time to assault us with bad cinema? Just think of all the money that has been spent on that man's ego. There are countless ways in which that money could have gone to better causes. We could have sheltered the homeless, fed the hungry, burnt it, anything but spend it on films that contain Costner and that gargantuan cranium of his! What day is it? Wednesday? We still have two more days of this . . . Alert the suicide hotline!
Hamlin Grade: 1
Fletch is a killing word!
 Our celebration of Kevin Costner's ego continues and today we bring you an extra special Two-fer-Tuesday! That's right! Two reviews for the price of one. Fletch and I team up to bring you our thoughts (and prayers) on the quintessential epic that is....The Postman. Enjoy, because we sure didn't.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
I do not believe I can express in words the amount of anger I'm feeling right now! Costnerrrr!!!!! Right now kneeling on the ground fists raised to the heavens, rubicon and quaking with rage! 178 Minutes! Do you know what that means!!! That's two minutes shy of three hours! You could leave the country in less time! I'll never get that time back…….damn you Kevin Costner, damn you to hell! The Postman, which he stars and directed, will haunt me for the rest of my days!
We find Costner in a post apocalyptic (no pun intended) future playing a loaner who's sanity is questionable. He avoids civilization ………..what am I'm doing trying to summarize a pointless three hours? Have I not already wasted enough time with this?! I must have wronged someone in another life! For you Movie Knights I will try to sum up this travesty in one sentence. Costner saves civilization through the power of the Postal Service. Got it? Now, if you really want to understand what it means to go "postal" run out and see this flick because the only thing preventing me from picking up an A.K. and visiting the neighbors is writing this review!
Like any Costner film, The Postman delivers (again no pun) an abundance of Kevin's goofy head and a totally pointless love story. Yes, Costner spreads the seed in a long drawn out scene with the beautiful Olivia Williams, no doubt the director made sure there were a lot takes here. The minds will melt for any theater lovers. Ready? Not only does Costner perform Shakespeare, but his character is known by the same name! Old Bill is turning over in his grave right now. There is almost nothing redeeming about Costner's failed attempt to fuse a western with Mad Max. Yes, I did say almost. The ego driven Costner was able to sneak in three minutes of pure uncut badness. For the ridiculous slow motion scene where our hero rides towards a little boy to deliver his letter, I award a half Hamlin. A full Hamlin goes towards the work on a shameless montage. That is all this movie will get from my scorecard. I don't know where to direct my anger, at myself, my colleague Pat for thinking Kevin Costner week was a good idea or Costner himself! I guess my real hate is directed towards the fans that buy tickets that help fund Mr. Costner and his holy war against film.
So Go see the Postman and while your at it buy your self a length of rope, make a nice noose, find a sturdy rafter and let yourself go!
Hamlin Grade: 1
Fletch is a killing word!
The Postman stars the gigantic ego of Kevin Costner. Tipping the scales at a monumental 3+ hours (it seems like 6 or 7 really), The Postman is another blatant example of the Costner Club.
The year is 2013, the earth has been ravaged by war (typically Costner finds a way to survive another holocaust, see Waterworld). All that remains are remote, scattered communities, roaming bands of thugs, and Kevin Costners massive ego. The Postman is about a drifter (played by Costner) who travels with his mule from community to community putting on Shakespearean plays in exchange for food and shelter. While performing for one town, he is 'recruited' (captured) by a group called the 8. The 8 are a lame ass attempt to restore order, law and civilization, by recruiting members by force and turning them into soldiers, who basically go from town to town taking whatever they need, raping, pillaging and generally behaving like Duke Lacrosse players. Finding life with the 8 disagreeable, the drifter escapes (he also kills that jackass Giovanni Ribisi, who has to be the most annoying actor since Dakota Fanning).
Seeking shelter, the drifter finds solace in the wreckage of a mail plane (it may have been a truck, I can't really remember nor do I really care) and as entertainment begins reading the mail that is contained within. Donning the dead mailman's clothing, he proceeds to the next town, impersonating a mailman as a con to receive some food. By luck, one of the letters belongs to some old bitch in the town (who's blind and has to have someone read it to her...it's really fucking touching) and they let the Postman in. The Postman concocts an elaborate tale about how the government is back (under newly elected President Starky, the jackasses in town actually bought it too) and the mail service is just the start. Little did the drifter realize that his little ruse, would inspire the townspeople to create their own post office, and help to spread the word of the Postman, and basically make us sit through another 2 hours of this bullshit.
General Bethlehem (played by the lazy-eyed Will Patton) the leader of the 8, becomes more and more of an asshole as he realizes that more communities are embracing the ways of the Post office rather than that of the Nazi-esque lifestyle of the 8. Bethlehem begins executing postmen as he captures them and follows a trail that leads him directly to the original.
The finale which is ridiculous, because the General doesn't recognize the Postman. Now I realize he only spent a short period of time with the 8, but the Postman's escape and his presence were certainly a blemish on Bethlehem's credibility and something not easily forgotten. So after some re-introductions, there is a typical fight to the death. By the way, before the war, and before he became a warlord, General Bethlehem was an accomplished Xerox salesman.....Xerox salesmen as you know, are the deadliest of combatants. Xerox man, versus the Mail man! Place your bets!
My only wish was that The Postman delivered me from itself. Keep an eye out for the sequel to this film due out in late 2008....a 6 hour epic entitled The UPS Man!
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Today we are setting a new precedent here at Bad Movie Knights. We bring you our second Spotlight On feature, but one that comes with a twist. Granted, Kevin Costner is a bad movie actor without equal, and to contain his lack of talent in just a single article would be selfish, and not reflect the same generosity shown unto us by said actor. So to properly celebrate Mr. Costner and his monolithic ego....we bring you Costner Week!
Everyday this week (Tuesday will be extra-special as Fletch and I have both torn into the same film like a couple of lions on a zebra carcass), we will treat you with a review of Mr. Costner's finest works, most of which never leave his comfort zone of portraying a cowboy on the open range......or a baseball player on the diamond. Either way, your boredom will be guaranteed, and your insomnia cured.
You can also discover more about the wonderful world of Kevin Costner, by reading the glossary term The Costner Club which clearly defines the man behind the bad movie.
Please take the opportunity to check out the latest reviews of Kevin Costner's movies:
Waterworld
The Postman (fletch)
The Postman (pat)
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
For Love of the Game
The Big Chill
3000 Miles to Graceland
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Even after the apocolypse, we aren't safe from Costner's giant ego!
In 1995, Waterworld was made famous for being the biggest financial flop ever in Hollywood. With a blue book value pushing the scales at $200 million, Waterworld is probably the most expensive bad movie ever made (except for Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace, and The Bronx Executioner). Sure it gives us exciting action sequences, generous helpings of Kevin Costner's face, wildly imaginative water based vehicles (yeah I could have just said boats), generous helpings of Kevin Costner's face, unique set designs, and generous helpings of Kevin Costner's face, but at it's core, Waterworld is just another bad movie. Even with it's massive budget, it still fails to achieve the level of excellence that films like Troll 2, and Cybernator did, at just a fraction of the cost.
My compliments to Mr. Costner for making a film in which he isn't a cowboy or a baseball player.....or a cowboy who plays baseball, or baseball player who enjoys cowboying.....however it could be argued that his character in Waterworld, the Mariner, is cowboy-esque (and I suspect he likes baseball).
Waterworld is the story of what happens after global warming has melted the polar ice caps and flooded the entire planet. The film focuses on the survivors, who have taken to the sea, on oil tankers, jet skis, katamarans, floatillas, barges, the occasional sea-plane, and other water based vehicles (boats to the layman) as they attempt to cultivate a life, as meager as it may be.....unless you are Costner! Even in a damned world, Costner's character, the Mariner has a sweet ride! He travels the oceans of the world, trading with the occassional sea traveler, or sea communities. The Mariner is also a mutant. He has gills and webbed feet, so he can swim underwater! Yay!
The Mariner meets up with Helen (played by Jeanne Tripplehorn) and a young girl at one of these trading communities and rescues them from the Smokers as they attack. The Smokers are a group of assholes led by Dennis Hopper, who are a gasoline-based society (thus making them evil) living on an old oil tanker. They are after the young girl who has a map tatooed on her back which will apparently lead to the last place on Earth where there is still land.
What follows is essentially the Road Warrior on water. Instead of hunting gasoline, the bad guys are hunting the little girl. If you hadn't realized yet, the good guys utilize the power of wind....nature always prevails (see Rocky 4 if you don't believe me, Fletch's old high school buddy was kind enough to explain that Rocky beat Drago because he trained with nature and Drago trained using technology....had nothing to do with the fact that he was a better boxer? Anyway, Fletch's friend is most certainly in jail by now) and so does Costner's gigantic ego! Thankfully, the Mariner is one of those solitary type characters, so aside from long extended close-ups on his face, we don't have to sit through hours of his neverending diatribes. His character is so predictable, and such a miserable asshole, that even after saving the day and finding land for the ladies and the rest of the community, he opts to jump back on his boat ( water based vehicle) and travel the seas alone.
Waterworld does provide some fairly decent action sequences, but for the most part, this movie is like checking out a car accident on the side of the road. For $200 million you have to slow down and take a look. In fairness, I think part of the over blown costs, were because their sets were destroyed during a hurricane....sadly, there is no force on Earth that can destroy Costner's ego.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
What do you get when you combine the acting talents of Michael Pare, Phillip Michael Thomas, and Lee Majors? You get perfection! Just kidding. You get a really shitty movie called Fate.
Fate is film about two detectives on the trail of a serial killer who apparently thinks he is an instrument of God. Detective Cody Martin (Michael Pare), and Detective Ciprian Raines (Philip Michael Thomas, who you probably remember from T.V.'s Miami Vice as Detective Rico Tubbs) are investigating a series of ritual killings where the victims bodies are found adorned with scripture. The serial killer played by Lee Majors (the former six million dollar man looks like he's worth about a buck and change now), and his identity is given to us way to early. The serial killer scenes are ridiculous, because he is so out of place in ever shot. Lee Majors is dressed like the Unibomber and drives around in a bright red 40 year old pick up truck. If he doesn't look like a killer, this getup would definitely shout 'Hey I'm a sex offender!'
There is little to no surprise in this bad movie except for the fact that Lee Majors is really not that bad of an actor. He makes chumps out of everyone in this film, so much so, that I and my colleague and virtual lover Fletch, agree that this is prime example of the Ironside Agenda.
Fate trys so hard to be other movies, that it fails altogether. About 10 minutes into Fate, there is a scene ripped right from 'the Fugitive.' Michael Pare storms a house where a man has a cop hostage, holding a gun to his head. Repeating the exact same line that was in 'the Fugitive', he says 'I got your man', 'I got your man', until Michael Pare sneaks behind him and shoots him in the head. I was stunned. I have never seen a more blatant ripoff in a bad movie. Amazing. Why stop there? The rest of the movie is copy of 'Seven' and 'Kiss the Girls'. The crime scenes all look like they were watching 'Seven' while they filmed this, and the serial killer keeps his kidnapped victims in a cave just like the one from 'Kiss the Girls'. I have no glossary term to define the over the top plagiarism in Fate, but rest assured one is on the way!
Michael Pare and the guy from Miami Vice deliver typical performances, which is to say they sucked. I have to thank Michael Pare (because no one, not even me can resist the Pare), for every time he steps on a movie set, he provides us with hours and hours entertainment. Philip Michael Thomas.....this is the first peice of....work, that I have seen you in since your early 80's glory, and let me just say my friend.....the party is over. Hope for a cameo in the Miami Vice movie......but don't hold your breath.
Hamlin Grade: 3.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 Our first Spotlight On an individual actor and who better to receive this attention and admiration than Bad Movie Knights' own Daniel Bernhardt. Mr. Bernhardt is the first actor thus far to have been reviewed 3 times, so such an achievement should not go without notice....or spotlight...eh? eh? Dolph. Dolph.
Daniel Bernhardt is unique at Bad Movie Knights because he is one of the few thespians that has been able to break out (on limited occasion) from the realm of bad movies and entertain us in some well known blockbusters. Most notably, his work in the Matrix trilogy (Matrix Reloaded, and Matrix Revolutions) where he starred as the main agent. He was the agent who fought Keanu first in the beginning, and then went toe to toe with Morpheus and the Keymaker on the eighteen wheeler during the freeway chase sequence.
Although, not the best actor, really he is terrible, but the man can kick some ass (so if you are reading this DB please be gentle). His martial arts skills are truly impressive, and that is blatantly apparent, because every movie he is cast in, he is beating the ass out of someone.
Please take the opportunity to check out the latest reviews of Daniel Bernhardt's movies:
Future War (currently #5 of Bad Movie Knights Top Five Worst!)
Bloodsport 2: The Next Kumite
G2 Mortal Conquest
You can find out more about Mr. Bernhardt at his own personal website by clicking here.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Bad Movie Knight's favorites Daniel Bernhardt and James Hong of Bloodsport 2: The Next Kumite reunite to bring us G2 Mortal Conquest! Thank goodness for that!
G2 Mortal Conquest pits Steven Colin (Daniel Bernhardt) against the evil Parmenion (James Hong) who are fighting a battle which has spanned 2000 years. I know it sounds confusing. That's because it is. In past lives, Colin, using the sword of Alexander the Great battled Parmenion and his forces 2000 years ago...and apparently lost. Reincarnated, Parmenion, and his forces must stop Colin from winning a ridiculous martial arts tournament (similiar to the Bloodsport's Kumite, except they use swords and other weapons, and it's to the death. One dude even shoots fire...pretty sweet, althought Bernhardt kicks his ass) and winning the sword of Alexander the Great back, and becoming King. King of what? The dip shits of course.
So in the year 2003, Colin and Parmenion, are reincarnated, along with Parmenion's chick, Colin's veiled babe, who is now a detective, and Parmenion's entire army who are now cool looking guys in dark black suits with swords and uzis.....brilliantly convenient. 2000 years after their first battle everyone is reunited. The bad guys of course know exactly who they are. Colin and the detective must wait the entire movie to figure out that they were once lovers before they can have sex (this love scene is so weak that I almost fast forwarded it).
Colin of course finally figures out who Parmenion is, and enter's the tournament, to try and win the prize (hmmmm do I smell some Highlander copyright infringement?) which is the sword of Alexander the Great. He also get's some help from his detective / lover / past lover friend who throws down with Parmenion's babe. Terrific.
G2 Mortal Conquest makes no sense. The title has nothing to do with the movie. I'm still baffled by it. Also, at the end, when Colin goes to retrieve the sword, it is embedded in a stone.....which only he is able to free. Ummmm.....can King Arthur and Merlin sue your ass?
G2 Mortal Conquest is pretty fucking lame. The fight scenes are funny as hell, and really are the only thing worth watching. I know we celebrate bad acting on this site, but holy shit. Aside from the dude that played Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China, can you guys find an actor that at least performed in a school play or something? The weapons in this movie are great too. I made better swords when I was a kid. Then look like pieces of wood wrapped in tin foil. Props to the Props department. Keep you finger on the fast forward button and rifle through G2 Mortal Conquest,.....it may actually be an enjoyable 20 minutes, as opposed to completely wasting 2 hours.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Dolph Lundgren returns to Bad Movie Knights (you can read our review of his work in Agent Red) in the action packed thriller Direct Action. Lundgren once again shows us how almost every bad movie he stars in epitomizes the Ironside Agenda, and Direct Action is no different.
I'm slowly becoming a huge Dolph Lundgren fan. My admiration is not at the level of my heterosexual love affair with Bloodsport 2's Daniel Bernhardt, and no where near the man-crush I have on Patrick Swayze, but Dolph deserves some props. Why?
His name. Dolph Lundgren. He has got the coolest name. Dolph, Dolph. Dolph as you know, in Swedish means, large 7 foot tall blond man who will kick your ass and take your ladies.
His films. Dolph Lundgren doesn't try to be something he's not. He knows his niche, he knows what he's good at, and you know, what you are getting when you sit down to watch a Dolph Lundgren movie. When you toss a Dolph Lundgren movie into your dvd player, you are guaranteed to see him kick unlimited number of asses, fire off ridiculous amounts ammunition from weapons the military has even produced yet, and blow the shit out of every car, building and vagina he comes in contact with. Dolph, Dolph.
Direct Action stars Dolph Lundgren as Frank Gannon....cop, tough cop, he's all cop. Direct Action combines the mystery and drama of Serpico, the camaraderie of the Lethal Weapon series, and the all out ass kicking you expect from Dolph. Frank Gannon is a veteran cop of 10 plus years who is part of the Direct Action unit. He comes forward to the Feds that his fellow officers in the Direct Action unit are corrupt and embezzling money, and plans to testify in court at 5 P.M. that day. His fellow officers, angered by his betrayal, first try to bribe him, with money, and promotion, but Gannon will have none of it. They then turn to killing him....hopefully before the 5 P.M. deadline. Gannon's only hope, are his new rookie partner (new that day....she's a 105 lb. woman, who can barely hold up the giant rifle she is toting) Billy and his old partner Bryant (he's the Lethal Weapon partner, who has the wife and family and kids who all love the lone wolf Frank Gannon).
One of the coolest things about Direct Action is that Frank Gannon is ridiculously over the top violent. Faced with an adversary, in just about every situation, Gannon beats the ever loving shit out of the assailant, disarms them, and leaves them bleeding and unconscious on the pavement.....then he shoots them! I kid you not. In one scene he punches a guy's face through a door. Then walks through the door and shoots him twice in the chest. Sweet! He's got this futuristic M-16 looking gun (the one his partner can barely hold up) that I think he reloads only once the entire film, and then at the end one of those giant Italian Terminator shotguns, which is very handy for...first knocking out an opponent with the stock, and then carefully placing it against said opponents skull to blow their head off.
Finally, probably the coolest thing about this movie, is that Dolph Lundgren's nemesis in Direct Action is Captain Stone, played by Conrad Dunn. I know you are like who? Mr. Dunn, started his hollywood career way back in 1981, in a little film called Stripes. You may remember him as Francis 'Psycho' Soyer. Anyone doesn't remember who he is.....he'll kill you.
Hamlin Grade: 4
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Despite its Sci-fi title and packaging, The Cybernator is, at its core, a tender love story. It follows the classic romantic formula you've heard a thousand times before. A tough, play-by-his-own-rules cop, meets a young stripper (working her way through college..what are the chances?) and the two fall in love. Like most love stories, there are many obstacles for our promising couple to overcome such as Cyborgs,
lasers, bullets, and really poor dialogue. These are just a few of the hardships this unlikely match must endure for 84 minutes.
Our hero, Brent McCord, is a workaholic. The amount of corruption on the street is tremendous, and McCord is constantly in the line of fire risking his life, which has his stripper/student girlfriend, Blue, up all hours of the night worrying. McCord's partner, Jim Weaver, is just as dedicated and pushes McCord further and further into his work, not to mention a cigar chomping Lieutenant who is always coming down on the two of them for their unorthodox approach to fighting crime. All of these elements strengthens McCord's and Blue's relationship and tests the limits of their blossoming love.
Blue is brave and stands by her man through all the distractions his career creates, but the bar is raised after McCord's partner, Weaver, is killed in a laser shoot-out with some Cyborgs. To comfort her man, Blue makes sweet, sweet love to him and decides to become personally involved in the fight against the Cyborgs.
McCord and Blue working to achieve a common goal sounds like fertile ground for the seeds of their love to grow, but little do they know they are about to face their greatest challenge! While investigating the murder of his partner, McCord and Blue uncover a government conspiracy that reveals the unthinkable. For the last five years McCord has been living a lie. The government has erased his past and made him into a Cyborg!! Can Blue find it in her heart to love a Cyborg?
With DVD chapter selections such as Cyber Slut and Strip Joint, one can only imagine what a heart-wrenching and deeply moving love story this really is. So light some candles, open a nice bottle of wine and settle on the couch with that special someone, and take in The Cybenator!
Hamlin Grade: 10
Fletch is a killing word!
William Shatner and Jeff Speakman team up to deliver Oscar calibre performances. Where those performances ended up, who the fuck knows, because they weren't delivered to the set of Land of the Free.
Land of the Free stars probably the greatest bad movie actor of all time William Shatner as Senate Candidate Aiden Cardell. His campaign manager Frank Jennings is played by Jeff Speakman (you may remember Speakman from a variety of martial arts films, most notably the Perfect Weapon....which wasn't just the title of the film, but a description of the dvd when thrown at an adversary). Jennings discovers that his friend, and mentor Cardell is actually using his campaign contributions to finance private military organizations in the hopes of taking over the United States and overthrowing the government. Jennings comes forward and agrees to help the FBI in prosecuting the corrupt Senator.
Now here's what's confusing to me....why use a martial artist in a dramatic role like this? That's as smart as casting Keanu Reeves or Mel Gibson in Shakespeare.....shit.
Cardell, however has different plans. He sends a variety of mercenaries after Frank Jennings, his wife and their son. Frank Jennings is transformed from campaign manager to martial arts superstar.....disarming bad guys, using his patented Kenpo combinations and generally looking like a complete bad ass. This is where casting Speakman makes some sense.....although it's a bit forced (kind of like how Steven Seagal is a cook with Navy Seal training in just about every movie he's in, or Van Damme has to find a reason to do a split, or Costner has to be a fucking cowboy or baseball player....).
The movie builds till the final confrontation between Cardell and Jennings, at Cardell's ranch style home. Now in all honesty, back in his Captain Kirk days, I would have put my money on Shatner to whoop Speakman's ass, hell I think Shatner could have beaten anyone in a fight. Lucky for Speakman, he gets to throw down with the post T.J. Hooker, wig wearing, girdle busting version of Shatner (there is a scene at the end where Shatner has to sprint to the helicopter....i thought his gut was going to explode from his shirt). Really he is a shadow of his former self in everything but acting ability! Shatner brings it! Ok back to the fight. The thing that really pisses me off about it, well a couple of things, Shatner is so old, he obviously can't do stunts anymore, so half the fight is a stunt double, but what really drives me insane, is that Shatner did'nt do the 'Captain Kirk Throw'! Star Trek fans know what I'm talking about. This move is undefendable when applied by Shatner (it involves sweet Bill, while facing his opponent, grabbing both of his arms, and rolling backwards.....then thrusting a leg into the midsection of said opponent to send them somersaulting over Shatner.....truly brilliant). Basically the fight is Speakman kicking the shit out Shatner. Not very exciting.....what Shatner wouldn't do....for a simple...hand....phaser.
Land of the Free is a fairly predictable movie, and really offers no surprises. What makes this bad movie so great is Shatner. His acting (or lack thereof) is top notch. If you love classic Shatner this movie is for you.....and we haven't seen an evil Shatner like this since Star Trek : Mirror Mirror (remember the evil versions of everyone? "You're the Captain's woman.....till he says you're not.").
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Def-Con 4. What a steaming pile of mule shit this film is. I'm still amazed sometimes how crap like this actually gets made.
Def-Con 4, follows the traditional early 80's love affair that Hollywood had with nuclear holocaust (see Damnation Alley), but this has to be one of the poorest executions of said theme I have ever seen. The basic plot is about a group of astronauts living on a space station who witness World War 3 from their unique vantage point, and after the war ends decide to travel back to Earth to see what has happened (ummmm what do you think?). One of the astronauts recieves a message from his wife who details some of what is happening, ( typical post-nuke society... radioactive freaks, pillaging, raping....similiar to a Duke Lacrosse Team practice) and he leads the campaign to return to Earth.
Following their re-entry and landing on the planet, they are met with wave after wave of asshole. Really what this movie has taught me is that nuclear radiation makes you an asshole. Sure it mutates some people, and makes them gross and bloody, but for the most part, it's just a personality-changer. Also, radiation and nuclear fire are apparently a great source of fertilizer. Def-Con 4 accurately portrays a picturesque nuclear landscape with lush forests and thick vegetation....so if you are having trouble with your tomatoes this summer, set off a nuke in your vegetable garden!
Def-Con 4 has probably one of the finest covers ever on a movie, but after that this film is just tragic. The main astronaut is annoying, the school boy turned holocaust dictator is a complete asshole, and I'm just going to stop there because everyone in this movie sucks equally. This film is on par with The Bronx Executioner on almost every level, but the production value is slightly better. If you really have nothing else to do, and that includes playing in traffic, then check this out, otherwise pretend this disaster doesn't exist, and just move along.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Barry Bostwick. A motorcycle with rocket launchers. Gold spandex jumpsuits. A headband. No this is not gay pornography, this is MEGAFORCE!
Megaforce, is an old childhood favorite. I made my mother take me to see this disaster in the theatre when I was just a young buck. Megaforce features an all-star cast, starring Barry Bostwick as Ace Hunter ( I swear it's not gay porn), Michael Beck as Dallas (you may remember Mr. Beck as Swan from the Warriors), the lovely Persis Khambatta as Zara (Persis is famous for her role as Vygr from Star Trek The Motion Picture...as opposed to Star Trek The Coffee Mug? What the fuck was that about?) Edward Mulhare as Byrne-White (Hasselhoff's boss Devin, from TV's Knight Rider) and our own Henry Silva as the evil Guerera (you can learn more about Mr. Silva's exploits in my heterosexual lifemate Fletcher's review of the classic Escape From The Bronx / Bronx Warriors 2).
Megaforce is about an elite special forces group who ride on futuristic motorcycles and dune-buggies, that are equipped with rockets, machine guns, and laser cannons. They are doing battle against the evil tank divisions of Guerera ( the lovely and talented Henry Silva). Their finest weapon however is not their vehicles, but rather their choice in fashion. I was not kidding earlier. The required uniform of the Megaforce Corps is gold sparkling spandex jumpsuits.....and optional headbands. Imagine an army of Bee Gees clones advancing on you....simply put....terrifying ( Barry Bostwick looks more like Barry Gibb in this movie.....but boy do his troops love him...a deep forbidden love).
Ace Hunter (Bostwick), and Dallas (Beck) the leaders of Megaforce take their team (and sweet spandex outfits) up against Guerera and his army of tanks. WIth the help of Zara and Byrne-White, who provide intelligence (and very little acting ability) for the Megaforce unit in their battle against Guerera. There is a really lame and pointless attempt at a love connection between Ace and Zara but it fails miserably, Ace it seems is more focused on riding his motorcycle with his boys through the mountains (can you blame him?). Zara still freaks me out. Even with hair I still see her as the Sinead O'Connor freak from Star Trek. Apparently the robotic monotone voice she used in Star Trek wasn't just for that movie, it's actually how she acts.
The Megaforce unit after several successful battles against Guerera find that he has managed to block them off from their only means of escape ( I guess while the boys of Megaforce were sewing their gold tights together, Guerera was reading up on his Sun Tzu ). Ace, Dallas, Zara, Byrne-White, and the whole (and I mean hole) Megaforce team, come up with a brilliant plan (which involves 'Stealth' mode, oh hell yeah bitch!) to defeat Guerara and escape unharmed. The final escape scene with Ace is nothing short of brilliant. I'm sorry it's been a long day, I'm tired. The end of this movie is like watching any Kevin Costner movie....a complete and utter waste of your time (much like Major League Baseball).
If you like motorcycles, gold spandex, and Barry Bostwick ( be careful before you answer that one)......then Megaforce is the bad movie for you! If you do like all those things, I recommend you also call the police and register yourself as a sex offender.
Hamlin Grade: 5.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
You are probably thinking....Pat why are you calling The Warriors a bad movie? Well, my friends, this film has nothing to do with that classic tale about a gang fighting their way back to Coney Island....this bad movie is called Warriors, and for you to sit through it, you will need to be a warrior as well.
Warriors stars two Bad Movie Knights favorites.....Gary Busey, and sweet Michael Pare. Yes the Pare is back! You still cannot resist the Pare! Busey stars as Colonel Frank Vail, a leader of an anti-terrorist squad so deadly that they are kept in a maximum security prison when not on missions (sounds cool right? yeah well that's where the coolness ends). When Colonel Vail recieves an urgent message (delivered by his whore-friend, who is the centerpiece of this disaster....terrible actress, amazingly awful singer....enjoy!) he breaks out of the military prison and goes AWOL!
How do you stop a bad actor? You send another bad actor after him.
Michael Pare plays Colin Neal, the former understudy of Colonel Vail, and just as deadly as his teacher (in both military skill and acting). This is the 'Apocolypse Now' portion of the film, where Neal is ordered to hunt down and kill Colonel Vail, and his whore-friend. Before embarking on this overly predictable scenario, we get a wonderfully sentimental moment between Neal and his wife.....she drops an ultimatum on him that if he goes on another mission she won't be there when he returns. Neals response can only be measured as 'I'm Michael Pare bitch!' and gets up and goes on his mission (show's her worth right? aside from her inability to act, the woman portraying his wife was....well let's put it this way, I'm a hotter chick).
Neal catches up to Vail on a few occassions and they exchange the usual (bullets, fists, harsh language, etc.) and Vail, narrowly escapes (along with the whore-friend) to a secluded cabin in the woods where Vail comes face to face with his father. The man who sent the message (through the whore-friend) to Vail, that prompted his escape. Vail's father is dying of cancer, and comes clean about how he sent him on a mission as his superior officer (unbeknownst to Vail) that transformed him into this deadly killer (and actor). His dying request is that Vail kill him. But before he can.....PARE!
Neal and Vail square off in the woods (sounds hot! it is....Busey! Pare! Busey! Pare!) and battle till Vail eventually has the upperhand, till they are surprised by the military anti-terrorist force that Vail once led.....now, Vail and Neal must team up to stop the squad, and save the whore-friend and Vail's father. Can they put aside their differences and save the day? Can you make it through this entire film to find out? If you can....then you are the true Warriors my friends.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.
That pretty much sums up this piece of shit.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Well, it's finally here. Our first review request. Tentacles. Our friend Chris suggested this film a month ago, so as promised here is the review of Tentacles.
Tentacles is a bad movie. Really bad. This is another film that used the 'Jaws' template, and in place of a shark, used a giant octopus. Where did this Octopus come from? An evil corporation called Trojan Construction, the head of which is Mr. Whitehead, played by Henry Fonda (I know, I was thinking the same thing...Hank what the fuck?) is building a huge tunnel underground, blah blah, poisons water, blah blah blah, mutates octopus, blah blah blah, said octopus starts attacking sun bathers at a nearby beach. Blah blah. Dolph Dolph.
The giant octopus is essentially a normal sized octopus in an aquarium that they shot once and kept reusing (remember Battle Star Galactica, how there were 4 or 5 space battle shots, that they just kept replaying over and over? same shit here). There is a life size head they occasionally use to ram ships and pop out of the water to give you the impression that the octopus is hunting it's prey. It's amazingly life-like.
The real surprise in Tentacles is how they managed to dupe some pretty big actors into joining the cast. Henry Fonda. The star of 12 Angry men. It seems to me that Mr. Fonda fell victim to the Aniston Effect late in his career. Maybe he had a few senior moments, because he seems to have had a penchant for natural disaster films. After Tentacles he starred in 'The Swarm' (oh hell yeah i will be punching holes in that one soon), and the 'Meteor' (which I'm pretty sure I saw, and it was so bad, I really have no desire to relive it, here or on the screen). Shelley Winters. Luckily for us, this fat bitch shows up to portray the same annoying drunk she does in every film. Remember the original 'Poseidon Adventure', when she died after swimming underwater....man that was some funny shit. I hate you Shelley Winters. I hate you.
So after several random attacks, first on a helpless child, then a pirate looking dude (this guy is great, he actually has a peg leg, a PEG LEG! Dude, it's 1977, i think they could have supplied you with some form of orthotic!) , the octopus hits a large yacht and finally kills a bunch of kids during a regatta (this scene is almost identical to that hilarious moment in Jaws when the mom realizes Alex Kitner got chewed up by the shark, and starts shouting Alex....Alex...Alex.....hahahah sorry lady! A woman who's son doesn't appear basically re-ennacts that entire heart warming scene for us) That's when the oceanagrapher / killer whale lover gets called in (imagine a very gay Quint on a sailboat) to stop the octopus. What better way to hunt down the octopus then with his pals Shamu and Mamu....ugh. Yes he runs out to sea with them and then oh who the fuck cares.
Tentacles sucks. Yeah this is a bad movie, but it's painfully boring and tedious, much like watching a Major League Baseball game. This movie could have been cut down to 30 minutes, and it probably still would have been too long. If Shelly Winters died in this I probably would have given it an extra Hamlin. As for our friend Chris, who recommended this film. Well he certainly delivered a piece of shit unto us. Do we like him? Let's just say if Chris was sitting across from me in a hot tub....I'd give him the guy nod. Well done sir, and keep them coming.
Hamlin Grade: 2
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 As you navigate BadMovieKnights.com, you will notice the following marks:
This is the Hamlin Scale. It is our method of grading the movies on BadMovieKnights.com, named after the great Harry Hamlin of Clash of the Titans fame (totally kick ass movie which has no business being on this site, however my colleague Fletch would disagree, but he's kind of an asshole). The Hamlin Scale is a simple 1 to 10 grading system. A Hamlin grade of 1, would be a truly shitty film. A Hamlin grade of 10, well, also would be a truly shitty film, but one of unmatched calibre. To date, the only Hamlin grade of 10 ever to be awarded was to Troll 2 and new arrival Cybernator.
THe Hamlin is a badge of honor. On Bad Movie Knights, Hamlin's must be earned. A bad movie with multiple Hamlin's....is worthy of your attention, and our admiration.
Harry Hamlin, Patron Saint of the bad movie. Pray for us.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 One afternoon many years ago, while building a log cabin in northern Montana, my colleague Pat and I took a break from our labors to reflect on an anomaly which the surroundings evoked; we questioned the Power of the Pitt!
It was as if a fog had been lifted and the moon and stars were perfectly aligned to reveal the mysteries of the Universe. We came to realize the secret success of Mr. Brad Pitt. Ready to have your hair blown back? His name can be easily inserted into the titles of the movies he has worked on. Films such as 'Legends of the Pitt,' 'The Mexapitt,' 'Seven Years in Brad Pitt,' 'Mr. And Mrs. Pitt,' 'Interview with the Pitt,' or my favorite, 'Meet Brad Pitt.' Often his name can be placed in several ways, almost as if it were a part of some grand design. 'Ocean's Pitt' or 'Pitt's 11,' 'A Pitt Runs Through It' or 'A River Runs Through Pitt,' '12 Pitts' or 'Pitt Monkeys!'
To this day Mr. Pitt is the only actor we have found to which we can apply this formula. Doesn't that make one stop and question why we are here?
Fletch is a killing word!
The Manhattan Corporation (T.C.) is back, and now has plans to take over the Bronx to create a New York for the future with "the most magnificent architectural complex ever created by man: the eighth wonder of the world."
How do we know this to be true? How can you not believe once they unveil the stunningly mediocre model during the presentation. (I believe they use parts of this model later for special effects, and when I say special, I mean special!)
The Corporation’s plan is to relocate the residents of "no-man's-land" to enchanted solar homes in New Mexico....or is it?! Mr. Clark, president of the giant corporation, has hired Dirk "No Sugar!" Wangler to run this relocation, or should I say extermination. Wangler is a former prison warden who has an appetite for death, but while clearing out the buildings, he killed the wrong man's parents. That's right, Mark Gregory returns to the roll he was born to play as Trash!
Enzo G. Castellari resumes his position in the directors' chair for another 81 minutes of bloodshed in the Bronx. There's no convoy of motorcycles with glowing skulls, or cabaret gangs dance fighting. No, the things that made "1990" Bronx Warriors a stand out are gone, although Castellari does acknowledge their brilliance by selectively placing those gems throughout the movie (a nice treat for fans of "1990".) I must say the most missed item is Trash's elbow spike: a glorious weapon that will not be soon forgotten.
Escape from the Bronx takes a no frills approach (straight action), and Castellari has polished his film making skills. This will cost him a Hamlin. Don't worry, it‘s still bad enough to have you and your friends asking "Why?" through your tears of laughter. The disinfestation crew, led by Wrangler, is clad in silver jumpsuits, slightly altered motorcycle helmets (to look futuristic,) and flame throwers!
Trash's outfit is suspect all right, not as flaming as the leather vest he donned in "1990", but still quite impressive. The action sequences have improved from the first film by adding an effects guy who loves to
blow up anything and as often as possible. My favorite addition to heighten the seriousness and drama of the
action is the super super slow-motion shots...priceless!
Henry Silva plays Dirk Wrangler (quite possibly my favorite name in film.) For those of you not well,versed in the B movie world, you would know this fine thespian from Sharky's Machine as Billy Score, or more,recently from Ghost Dog. Having said that, this man has quite a resume of obscure and potentially great classics for the halls of Bad Movie Knights. His performance in this film definitely warrants,investigation. The Ironside Agenda (see glossary) may be warranted, but I must confer with my associates. Regardless, Mr. Silva's charismatic performance is undeniable! This is due to Castellari, and his study,of the cinematography of his homeland, no doubt taking queues form Sergio Leone's Clint close-ups.This is actually a decent flick for you action whores out there, but make no mistake, this is a bad movie. I would view "1990" first to heighten the effect you know, the soft drugs help the hard drugs.....Well that's what I've heard Enjoy!
Hamlin Grade: 4
Fletch is a killing word!
The Costner Club was founded by the ever-humble Kevin Costner. Mr. Costner's ability to tell a story through film, while always keeping the camera focused on his face is without equal. Sacrificing conventional cinematography, Costner is able to weave these celluloid masterpieces.... again with only his face. If there are other actors or actresses in his films, you will never know.....but why would you need them? You have Kevin Costner's face. Abstract sets or exotic locations? Perhaps they are there....anything is possible behind Costner's face.
The keystone of the Costner Club is unselfishness and generosity. Every Costner film exceeds the 2 hour mark, and most (JFK, Water World, The Postman) shatter the 3 hour barrier. So we are left with hours and hours of Kevin Costner's face. Generous, liberal, heaping piles of Costner's face.
Other members of the Costner Club, include Tom Cruise, and Mel Gibson. Much like Kevin Costner, these too actors never stop giving.....their faces. When an actor's ego is too big for a film....it belongs in the Costner Club.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
My friends you are in for a treat. A year ago this made for TV beauty aired one hot summer Sunday evening and it delivers today as it did then. My colleague Chris and I could not stop talking about how awful this bad movie was. Spring Break Shark Attack is a must have for any serious bad movie collector (I sound like I'm trying to sell you a fucking Civil War chess set).
The opening of this movie is brilliant. If you only watch the first 5 minutes, till the title Spring Break Shark Attack appears.....you will be hooked.
The setup for Spring Break Shark Attack is pretty simple. A young girl named Danielle wants to catch-up with her friends down in Florida during Spring Break, and does so against her father's wishes (there's a feeble attempt at character development with the dad, apparently he cheated on his wife and oh who gives a shit, cuz really you won't either). In Florida we meet the rest of the cast which includes, Danielles' two girlfriends, two jackasses who are producing 'Girls Unleashed' (one is an accomplished date rapist I might add, who employs the popular date rape drug Rufenol ) Danielle's brother Charlie (a marine biologist who is studying an odd phenomenon in the waters off the beach where Danielle is....hmmmmmmmmm), Shane, the deep, yet sensitive, book store loving boat guy, and Joel (played by Bryan Brown, the English asshole from Cocktail) a man who enjoy's chartering boats from Shane's mom.
Now the beach in Spring Break Shark Attack has been recently upgraded with a man-made reef (which we never see, suspend disbelief as always) which will inspire a variety of tropical sea creatures to migrate there and make a home. Tropical creatures like....THE KRACKEN!!! Just kidding. The only one concerned about this reef is Danielle's brother Charlie (remember the conveniently on-hand marine biologist?) because of the ecological consequences. Also because another beach tried the whole fake reef thing and were overrun with sharks. But for now, fuck Charlie and his ideas, we won't need him and his paranoia till much later in the film.
It's not all sharks in Spring Break Shark Attack, it's also Spring Break....which introduces us to J.T., one of the producers of a 'Girls gone Wild' kind of video and as I said earlier a professional date rapist (there is an awkward scene in a bar, where he says hello to one of his 'victims' and she gets upset and walks away...the look on his face was priceless, somewhere between stunned and sad and he could only be thinking..."Damn girl, I gave you some good raping last summer"). J.T. takes all of 30 seconds to let us know what a douche bag he is (the guy playing him is either the best actor since Al Pacino, or a major league asshole in real life). J.T. takes interest in Danielle immediately (i assume because she is rape-able?). Danielle however is torn between J.T., and Shane, the boat loving book store guy....because he's so deep. Insert about 30 minutes of uneccessary and very unsuccessful character development and you pretty much have the 'non-shark' sequences covered in Spring Break Shark Attack.
While it's all fun and rape on the beach, Joel (Cocktail asshole), who happens to be a successful resort owner from a competing beach, is chartering Shane's mom's boats, and using them to chum the waters of the Spring Rape beach. This, along with the new reef has drawn in schools of Tiger sharks, the only sharks that aren't afraid to attack man according to Charlie (ummmm what about Great White's dick head? I think even Fletcher's aquatic friend Chris will agree to that).
Start the Blood Pumps! I am so not kidding! I had no idea human beings bodies were under so much pressure, because apparently when a shark bites us we explode (think of the explosions on the ocean's surface from The Hunt for Red October). During the final scene, when hundreds of tiger sharks attack the Spring Rape beach there are geysers of blood shooting up everywhere. If I was actually there live, I would be laughing my ass off. J.T. is also on the beach during the attack, bet you can't guess what happens to him! While the beach is under assault, Shane, Danielle, and Charlie team up to save the day. By filling a lobster pod with fish parts and blood, they are going to lure the sharks back away from the beach, and out to sea. Biggest flaw in the movie here.....the lobster pod, roughly the size of a chest is tossed into the water.....the water which by the way is red from all of the people that have been killed (because we explode)....miraculously, the sharks are attracted to the lobster pod and follow the boat out to sea. Way to go team!
Spring Break Shark Attack is not without it's lessons. Shane taught Danielle (and me) that if tiger sharks are attacking, all you have to is stay still and they won't bother you. Charlie also developed a tiger shark repellant, which was essentially a machine that made bubbles. Sharks hate bubbles. So sit still in the water, and fart, and you will be free of any danger (other than watching this movie).
I highly recommend Spring Break Shark Attack. The acting is over the top, the story is ridiculous, the special effects are hilarious and there's lots of high quality rape....what more do you need?
Hamlin Grade: 7
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
When you look at the cover of a movie and see 'From the writer of Anaconda'....does your heart skip a beat like mine does? Of course it does.
Komodo is a bad movie that was recommended to me by Amazon.com, because frankly I've been purchasing so many shitty films lately that they continue to throw more at me. Every day there is a message that says "Assholes like yourself, who were stupid enough to waste $1.50 on Cybernator, also enjoyed wasting $.75 on Komodo"....so who am I not to oblige?
Komodo provides us with another terrific example of the Aniston Effect, as we see a young Jill Hennesy (she plays Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh, star of TV's Crossing Jordan) portraying Victoria the shrink. I'm sure she'd love to erase this movie from her resume....but as Bad Movie Knights....we can't allow that.
Komodo begins with us seeing a hippy-poacher pulling to the side of the road in his van. The van is filled with all varieties of tropical creatures, and a crate of eggs, which are at this moment giving off an offensive smell (much like this fellow's acting). So bad is the odor, that he tosses the crate of eggs to the side of the road.....hmmm....what do you suppose are in those eggs waiting to hatch....i don't know...maybe....KOMODOS!!! 20 years later, a supple young lad named Patrick, his family and their dog Buster travel to their small island paradise (the same paradise where the asshole hippy was tossing eggs from his van....see the pattern developing yet? damn that writer from Anaconda is fuckin' good)....long story short, everyone except for Patrick is eaten by a bunch of Komodo Dragons. Bet you didn't see that coming did you?
Patrick is obviously traumatized, and can't speak, and his therapist, Victoria (Hennesy) thinks it would be a great idea to bring him back to the island to face his fears. Do you Victoria? Do you really? What comes next is nothing at all like Anaconda....actually thats complete bullshit. This movie is essentially Anaconda, except with giant Komodo Dragons. I can't wait to see this guy's next project Gila Monster. Victoria, Patrick and some dudes from an Oil Refinery (ok get this...the evil corporation has been polluting the environment, and killing the Komodo's food supply, thus forcing them to get brazen and seek out humans in place of said food....) team up to try and escape the island and the Komodos.
Komodo is a bad movie, but not the worst I've ever seen. The special effects in this film really are top notch (apparently someone from Jurassic Park was involved), and in a way, out class the acting in this movie. If you enjoy watching bad actors get eaten alive, then Komodo is your film....but really it's not.
Hamlin Grade: 1.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 Everyone must learn to walk before they can run. That being said most if not all of Hollywood's elite cadre has started out by starring in films they would love to forget. Enter the Aniston Effect.
The Aniston Effect personifies the syndrome when super-stars of Hollywood have roots in some of the worst movies in existence. Named after the lovely Jennifer Aniston ( formerly Mrs. Pitt) and her celebrated work in the tragic yet neverending Leprechaun.
Few actors and actresses are immune to the Aniston Effect. In fact, so strong is it's pull, that many actors are drawn back in the twilight of their careers (see Michael Caine in Jaws: The Revenge).
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
This is a bad movie surprise. I bought this movie because I remember it being really cool when I saw it as a child. Today, all I want to do is go back in time and kick my own ass.
Damnation Alley is a film that celebrates the golden years of when the United States and Russia hated one another, and a nuclear holocaust was imminent. Between 1975-1985, Hollywood loved to play off this mutual hatred and show us film after film of 'what if' scenarios involving our eventual mutual assured destruction. Damnation Alley is one of those movies that showcases life after nuclear war....
Damnation Alley stars George Peppard (Hannibal from the A-Team), Jan-Michael Vincent (a Bad Movie Knight favorite! see our review of The Alienator ), Paul Winfield (famous for his role as Captain Terrell of the USS Reliant from Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan, and as Lieutenant Traxler in the Terminator NOTE: Mr. Winfield probably has one of the funniest lines in a movie ever when he asks his co-star Lance Henrickson how he looks, Henrickson says "Like shit boss"....Winfield responds with "Your Momma!"), some French bitch named Dominique Sanda, and the kid that played Kelly (the one who smoked cigarettes and hit homeruns) from the Bad News Bears.
Damnation Alley follows the exploits and adventures of a small group of World War 3 survivors who plan to trek across the nuclear wasteland that was once the United States of America to Albany, New York, the last place that is still transmitting radio broadcasts. The path they take.....Damnation Alley. Using some really cool looking RVs (you've probably seen them before, I remember them being used in The Six Million Dollar Man) they begin their journey. Along the way they run into standard post-WW3 obstacles giant blue scorpions (which Jan-Man negotiates with his sweet BMX ride), tornado sand storms, armor plated flesh eating cock roaches, mutant red neck rapists, electrical storms, violent floods...until they reach Albany....which is picturesque!
Damnation Alley has some of the worst blue screening and special effects ever. The budget of this movie definitely went towards constructing the futuristic motor-homes and nothing else. The scorpion sequence in the beginning was awful. The sky is often an Aurora Borealis with some coloring added to it, and when they need to address 'radiation', everything gets painted yellow or red.
The acting in Damnation Alley is not that bad, but it's not great either. Peppard is just a cock in this movie, especially towards Jan-Man, who is the over the top wild guy, who must break all the rules. It's obvious Peppard has homosexual tendencies toward Jan-Man in this, and is frustrated by it, so he treats him like shit. The French chick is this movie, was there just to have a female presence, and to setup the 'almost' rape scene at the hands of a bunch of mutant farmers, who haven't seen any babes in a spell, and need a piece. The kid. Again like this movie, he serves no purpose.
Damnation Alley is a blast from the past, that really fell short of it's remembered glory, but for our purposes it turned out to be a good pickup. If you enjoy reliving the good old days of nuclear arms, and hating on the Russians then this is your film. By the way, Peppard's mustache almost makes this bad movie a must see. White hair and black 'stache.....good look George....I'd say keep it up, but you're dead dude.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
I'm going to keep this short, because I'm still fucking pissed. I will never get the hour and a half back that I invested in this steaming pile of shit, so this is not so much of a review but rather a warning. Stay away from The Bronx Executioner!
This movie had amazing potential, truly amazing. Terrible actors, no special effects, an uneccessarily scantily clad woman, a rape scene (really for no reason, other than to have a rape scene...truly baffling), motorcycles, and a setting, that was supposed to be the Bronx, but was really an old used up rock quarry. I know, all the ingredients are there for a truly bad movie. So what happened?
Audio. This film was obviously re-dubbed. I know this needs to be done on occassion, but can you go out and purchase a microphone that costs more than a West Side Highway hand job ($7.50 in case you are wondering what the blue-book value of said sex act was)? This microphone must have been shoved up someone's ass ($5 at the West Side Highway) while the dubbing was taking place because half of the actors voices can't even be heard. I had the volume turned all the way up, and still couldn't hear it. It's truly a shame, because the guy who did the voice over for the lead actor Dakar, was terrible, and I missed out on all of his efforts.
The Bronx Executioner should be avoided at all costs. It really is a waste. Had the audio been better, even slightly, this movie would have recieved several coveted Hamlins, but their efforts, or lack thereof deserve nothing short of a fuck you. Everyone involved in this disaster should do time.
I included the link to the movie so you could see the cover, and recognize it. If you really hate yourself, and enjoy shoving rusty nails up your ass then by all mean purchase it. I think you could probably get it for less on Half.com, or Ebay....shit, if you really want to see it, email me, and I'll send you my copy. Hurry up though, I'm taking a shit on it later today.
Hamlin Grade: 0
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Well we finally have closure. The Sci-Fi doublefeature dvd that included the infamous Cybernator also came with a bad movie called Hyperspace. The biggest fault of Hyperspace was that the creators agreed to package it along with Cybernator, but worse still is that it got second billing and is on the B side of the disc.
Hyperspace is set in the future, and for the most part aboard a space cruiser (why is that these low budget messes try to accomplish cinematic feats that Speilberg wouldn't ever attempt?). The story begins by introducing us to Thomas Stanton (played by Richard Norton who's claim to fame is fighting Jackie Chan in one of his unwatchable flicks), who is some kind of cop, or agent (do you really care?) on a raid of some sort and ends up fighting 'The Pyscho' (brilliantly played by the lengendary wrestling icon Big John Studd). After this amazingly poor choreographed fight (every fight scene in this movie is awful, but in a great way...the fights go on forever, and the actors are so bad at pretending to be hit...and why use a rifle to fire a bullet, when it so convenient to wield it as a club?....again, bad movie excellence blooms) Stanton throws an over the top line of cheese at us.....and Hyperspace begins. The opening of the film really has no bearing whatsoever on the rest of the bad movie except to establish the fact that Thomas Stanton is a total badass. Nice.
In the 21st Century (original opener), 'The Corporation' sends spaceships into the deepest reaches of space to dispose of hazardous nuclear waste, and Hyperspace follows the exploits and adventures of one of these plucky little ships! Hyperspace begins with the crew waking from Cryo-sleep enroute to their destination to dump their cargo. The crew is made up of 4 men and 2 women (which seems excessive to me for a group of glorified garbage men....but let's suspend disbelief for this one)....theres the uptight asshole captain, the pilot who's a badass and a bit of a slut (a minute after first meeting her character, shes' showing off her breasts and ass, which is very generous and polite if I may say so), a grunt (played by a dude who looks like Ron Perlman, but without all that acting ability), a science officer (who is by far and away the worst actress in this movie), Tubbs, the officer on his last mission before retirement and his good buddy (and ours) Thomas Stanton. All seems well and good with the mission until they discover that the computer has malfunctioned and stranded them in deep space...or hyperspace if you will...Eh? Eh?
The crew realizes there are only two alternatives....re-enter their cryo-sleeps, and travel home slowly to Earth, which would take 30 years, or draw straws to see who will take the one (or two) manned shuttle back to Earth, which will take a modest 2 years. After much discussion they decide to draw straws to see who will man the craft back to Earth and then send help for the remaining crew members (as they wait for 2 years? oh man would that suck ass! actually it would be more like 4 years, because whoever came to rescue them....sorry I digress). After the winner has been chosen, what follows is a series of events that begin with bargaining and quickly escalate to violence and murder as 6 actors (hahahhahahha), excuse me, crew members are pitted against one another, fighting for one seat on a voyage home. Oh yeah, throw in a dream sequence flashback where Thomas Stanton's partner on Earth is killed by the 'Android' (marvelously played Professor Toru Tanaka, the same man who played Sub Zero in The Running Man).
I must again say that the fight scenes in this movie are brilliant, and really are the cornerstone of this bad movie. Try and imagine you and a friend when you were children playing ninjas, and fake fighting....then take it down three notches (fuck, take it down 10 notches), then you will have the fight choreography for this piece of shit. It's amazing how a man who spent time on a set with Jackie Chan didn't learn anything (other than acting I guess) about stunt work. The other gem in this mess is the Science officer Arias Christensen. She's brilliantly terrible. Her face always seems to say 'What the fuck do I say now?".
Compared to Cybernator this movie is the Godfather. I'm still confused how anyone agreed to associate themselves with it, but the rewards definitely go to us the viewer. For the price of little more than a cup of coffee you can own both of these disasters....and after you watch them, microwave the dvd....cuz it's really fucking cool watching the sparks and shit fly off them when you do that. Dolph, Dolph.
Hamlin Grade: 3.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
This may come as a shock to see this movie on our site, but to many of you it probably isn't. Perhaps a great deal of you are wondering what the fuck took me so long to finally get to this unmitigated cinematic nightmare. Just by posting this title here, let alone calling it a bad movie will drive scores of 30 year old virgins, still living with their parents out of there minds. That is part of the reason why I do this now......but really its about the film. Bottom line, it's a bad movie...and like any bad movie before, it must be dealt with in the harshest of manners. RELEASE THE KRACKEN!!!
Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace is probably the greatest sequel (yes I know it's a prequel you fucking geeks) fuck up next to Highlander 2: The Quickening. Sadly, the movies following Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace didn't follow the rules of the Quickening and completely ignore this disaster similiar to how Highlander 3: The Sorcerer and Jaws : The Revenge did.
It would be very easy to lay the blame of Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace on George Lucas, but really the finger, and I mean middle, points directly at his staff. Imagine a situation, similiar to the old fairy tale 'The Emperor's new clothes' (if you don't know the story, put down the X-box controller, brush the Funions off your tits and look it up you pale faced losers), and you will have a perfect representation of what goes on over at Skywalker Ranch. George Lucas is surrounded by a staff that is terrified to tell him the truth. When he threw the script for Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace in front of them, all they had to say was....'umm George, this isn't very good' or perhaps 'George, this could use some tweaking...", anything to help make the product better! Holy Shit! I highly doubt that meetings with Lucas are similiar to those with Spectre where individuals not willing to tow the corporate line are electrocuted or dropped from a blimp at the touch of a button! Regardless, their actions(or lack thereof rather) as 'support staff' warrant death by Operation Grand Slam and a generous raping from Grace Jones...Dennis, Rick....Stan.
By itself, Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace would probably be a halfway decent film. However, since it was supposed to be the backstory to possibly the greatest movies ever (yes I will stand by the original Star Wars trilogy as near perfection), the Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was nothing short of a scar on the original franchise.
The focus of Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace is of course Darth Vader. A prototype as far a villians go. So, when we first meet him as a young boy, what better way to portray him than with Dakota Fanning's androgenous evil twin (if you haven't figured it out thus far, I can't stand Dakota....especially since War of the Worlds, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she falls from grace like the rest of her child star peers). Jake Lloyd. Jake you got to play the greatest character in a movie since Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs....and you failed sir, you failed miserably....hopefully after Jingle All the Way we won't ever see you again.
At this point, you probably think I'm going to give George Lucas a pass.....no my friends, I save the best for last. The original Star Wars story he created was without equal, and frankly still is. Even with millions of dollars, unlimited technology, and a plethorough of top rated actors, he could not even come close to the originals. George Lucas has an innate ability to suck the talent out of actors, so their performances become robotic, stiff, and unemotional. One only needs to look at Natalie Portman's portrayal of Padme / Queen Amidalla (wow was I fooled that she played both characters) or Samuel Jackson's performance as Jedi Master Mace Windu. Mr. Jackson is arguably one of the finest actors working in movies today, and George Lucas managed to direct the acting right out of his performance so that we are left with a monotous, boring, and stale Mace Windu. Why ask Samuel Jackson to play the part if you aren't going to let the man act? I envisioned Lucas on the set saying things like: "Sam, what the hell are you doing?".....Jackon would respond "I'm acting George"....which Lucas would say "There's no place for that shit here!"
Dialogue. George, George, George. The 1940's are over my friend. If you are trying to capture an era of film that you grew up with, why didn't you make Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace a silent film? That way we wouldn't have had to listen to Jake Lloyd do his Dakota Fanning impression throughout this fucking disaster.
Jar Jar. Fucking Jar Jar. Obviously this subject has been beaten to death, and called everything from ridiculous to racist. Regardless, this character, along with the Pod Race helped transform Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace into a 2 hour licensing campaign. I understand that one of the goals of Hollywood is to make a profit, but not at the expense of the story. Lucas went to such great lengths to cater this hemmorroid to licensing deals that he may as well have had Yoda drinking a fucking Pepsi. A new generation the choice of is.
Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was also a situation where Lucas went against his own statement "A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing" (I'm paraphrasing from his interview in 'From Star Wars to Jedi'). Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was nothing but special effects...hold the story please! The funniest thing is that I think he got so lost in his own technology that he forgot how to utilize it. Look at the way Peter Jackson and his crew have seemlessly melded miniature models with computer effects in the Lord of the Rings. The architect of the technology has been bested by a student of it. Everything in Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was over polished, and too perfect. The beauty of the original Star Wars movies is that nothing was perfect, the ships were angular and boxy, and many were unattractive, but that is what made them so attractive. Nothing in life is perfect.....this bad movie more than nails that point home.
Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace opened the doors for the prequels, and just last year the arc was concluded with Star Wars, Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. To this I can only say....Lucas, now your failure is complete.
If you are upset by any part of this review, then you are not a real Star Wars fan.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 I believe there are basic truths that we as humans share at the core of our being. They go beyond fear, love, hate or any feeling you can think of. One of these truths of which I speak is known as the Kill Spit! The need for one person to spread their saliva on another after they have put them down. This is and instinct which is glued to the human
subconscious and when caught on film, breath taking!
Clint Eastwood explores the Kill Spit in the 1976 classic The Outlaw Josey Wales. (A fantastic movie that has no business being mentioned on this site) Eastwood deceits the subtle nuances of this sacred act through his character Josey. Although this film is a nice case study, to the Kill Spit scholar it becomes too contrived. First of all, Mr. Wales chews tobacco, a habit that already involves spitting so the act of spitting itself becomes common place. Another unusual aspect of Eastwood's interpretation is that the spit becomes a prelude to the killing, which differs from the traditional Kill Spit. (Post-mortem)
Renee O' Conner delights our eyes with a brilliant Kill Spit in Alien Apocalypse. So much so we at Bad Movie Knights have honored her with a new term! The O'Conner Kill Spit: When the performance of the Kill Spit out shines anything that the actor has done in the movie to the point of it being their only true contribution.
Fletch is a Killing Word!
Agent Red brings us our first bad movie encounter with the legendary Dolph Lundgren. Now while watching this and hoping for the wheels to come off I have to come clean and say that Dolph is really not that bad of an actor. Will we ever see him as the protagonist to Pacino one day, probably not (unless Al signs on to do Gigli 2...dude what the fuck were you thinking?), but Dolph has carved at a nice little niche for himself in the B-movie world.
Agent Red is a blatant example of The Ironside Agenda because after Dolph Lundgren, the actors are just people that stand around and spit out lines with the feeling and emotion of a well-sodomized corpse.
The story of Agent Red is pretty simple. Agent Red is actually a chemical that the United States 'regretfully' created that could be used as a nerve toxin. You'll hear the term 'slate cleaner' several times as this agent can apparently kill an individual in 12 minutes upon exposure (much like this film). The Russians stole Agent Red from the U.S. in the 50's but now the new government wishes to return it to the United States for safe-keeping because they feel the instability of their country will lead to it's eventual capture. So....en route to the U.S. via nuclear submarine, Russian terrorists takeover and capture the Agent Red, and plan to release it on New York City and Moscow. But they forgot one small detail. DOLPH LUNDGREN MOTHER FUCKERS!!! Oh yeah! No one steals nerve toxin while Dolph is on the job (say his name, it's so fun...Dolph, Dolph, Dolph). He and his fiancee (a bio weapons expert with huge breast implants, that are never displayed sadly) work together in an Under Seige (Steven Seagal) type scenario to stop the terrorists and save the day (Dolph, Dolph).
Now what makes this a bad movie, is unique from other bad movies. Yes the actors should be lined up and shot, and their families should be trampled by a herd of rabid, homosexual, rhinos....but this bad movie really goes beyond just horrible acting....the editor is partly (or wholly) responsible for this disaster (or gem). Many sequences in Agent Red, especially the larger budget explosions and action sequences have been pillaged from other films. At first I thought I was seeing things, but then after several shots I had to do some rewinding. Now, understand, I grew up being raised by a VCR, so very few things slip past me when it comes to the world of film, especially ass hemmorraging pieces of shit like this. During a sequence in the beginning of the film, Dolph is shown a video of what Agent Red can do...most of the footage from this sequence was taken from Red Dawn (the scene where the russian troops are wearing snow camouflage while tracking Daryl, the jackass who ate the transmitter...they even show the tracking device!).....next was a scene where the terrorists blow up a broken down ship, the explosion footage was raped from Blown Away starring Tommy Lee Jones, and Jeff Bridges (you can actually see Tommy Lee and Jeff (probably their stunt men) running down the dock to escape the explosion during the scene!). Most of the underwater sub footage is from Crimson Tide (I'm pretty certain on this one, but feel free to call me out on it) and they continue to re-use the same shot over and over again, as it takes 10+ torpedoes to destroy this 'unique' submarine...huh? (Dolph, Dolph).
Another nice surprise is the Admiral on the air craft carrier was from the early 80's TV show Red Alert. Good to see that he can still find work, and C. Thomas Howell is washing cars somewhere after his brief cameo on 24. I digress.....anyway, give some love to Dolph. The man does an outstanding job in Agent Red and you most certainly haven't seen the last of this performer on Bad Movie Knights!
Hamlin Grade: 2
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Dolph, Dolph.
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