Cast: Jan-Michael Vincent as Commander, Dyana Ortelli as Orrie, P.J. Soles as Tara, John Phillip Law as Ward Armstrong, Ross Hagen as Kol, Jesse Dabson as Benny, Dawn Wildsmith as Caroline, Robert Clarke as Lund, Richard Wiley as Rick, Leo Gordon as Cpl. Coburn, Robert Quarry as Doc Burnside, Fox Harris as Burt, Hoke Howell as Harley, Jesse Dabson as Benny, Dawn Wildsmith as Caroline, Robert Clarke as Lund, Richard Wiley as Rick, and the wonderful one word named Teagan as the Alienator!

Tagline: An android hunter from outer space is about to create hell on earth.

Just let me say this movie is more like hell on your TV screen. And yes, you read it correctly, our leading man in this movie is Jan-Micheal Vincent, for about a whole 5 minutes, obviously this is HUGE budget, when the Jan Man is your lead and he appears as book ends in this flick for a grand total of 300 seconds…

To the Plot, Jan Man is the commander of an intergalactic prison, that is holding, and about to execute Kol (Ross Hagen, of the "Angel" and "Avenging Angel" series), a big time space bad boy. Well Kol manages to escape from his space prison (a set that is made up of obvious ply wood and a warehouse, but is supposedly a state of the art high security space station), and ends up heading to, you guessed it, Earth. And in the last scene we see the Jan Man in, until the end of the movie, he orders the realese of “The Alienator� to go hunt down and terminate Kol (hence the brilliance in the title of this mess, an Alien/Terminator: The Alienator, and also a film that is sure to alienate director Fred Olen Ray’s viewers form watching any of his other flicks).

Cut to Earth, where we meet a group of twenty somethings in an RV on their way to a camping trip. And here is where we are exposed to the brilliance of who-ever wrote this travesty, while driving our typical jock is sluggin’ down brews and when questioned about the safety of swillin’ we get one of the many great lines in the flick “I drive better with a couple cold ones�, and the ball just keeps on rolling from here. And don’t you know it, right after this exchange the RV strikes Kol who is now on Earth and of course standing in the middle of the road. The kids in the RV are so upset that may have potentially turned an innocent bystander into roadkill the best line they can muster up is “Way to go Mario�… Yeah, I’m at a loss for words as well. Anyway, the story progresses and the kids think they’ve wounded an innocent man and take Kol to the nearest Park Ranger, Ward Armstrong (played by John Phillip Law of “Barbarella� fame). Well our group assumes that the unconscious Kol is a good guy and try to help him, he regains consciousness and convinces the gang that there is a very bad person “the actually good Alienator� out to get him, and a mess up of “Threes Company� caliber ensues. Eventually The Alienator shows up, and lets just say it’s a female about as jacked as Arnold and wearing a costume that is, well just unexplainable. From here the pace of the movie regains steam with God-awful explosions and lazer blasts as the entire cast ends up chasing each other around the woods.

I really don’t want to expose to much of the brilliant plot twists and turns here, it really has to be seen to be believed, but I will leave you with some questions. Will our intrepid heroes discover the evil ways of Kol? Will they survive the Alienator? How will the Jan Man return to the plot? You will have to catch this masterpiece to find out.

Hamlin Grade: 5 (it gets 1 extra for the Alienator’s outfit)

You spend two minutes alone, and you feel shame.
Duges