Michael Pare pulls out all the stops for this one....both of them. Merchant of Death delivers non-stop action, non-acting, non-directing, and non-stop laughter!

The intricate plot focuses on Detective Randall (Pare), who witnessed his family being killed while on a picnic by some asshole (who looks like Al Pacino from Carlito's Way) and his buddies (one of which has an eye patch....eye patch = evil!) and grows up to become a cop, but is still traumatized by what he saw (never been done before in a movie, unless you count Batman, and The Punisher), so he's the 'bad' cop (meaning he get's shit from his Chief (who is some cigar smoking redneck)) but he always gets the job done, but in a violent manner (stop me if any of this sounds familiar).

Randall teams up with a Psychologist who was assigned to evaluate his sanity (I'm having mine checked out for sitting through this crap) but obviously, falls victim to the Pare (The Pare is a phenomenon where women (and some men) are uncontrollably possessed by the desire to have some sweet Pare. No one can resist the Pare....NO ONE!) and disregards her job and safety to help Randall find the killers of his family some 23 years later. Randall is also helped by his partner Billy, who he treats like complete shit, but this guy can't seem to get enough of it (can't resist the Pare...see I told you).

Merchant of Death offers more gun fights and explosions than I think I've ever seen (or frankly are necessary) in a movie. I'm not exaggerating. The Director of this movie, must have been a former pyro-technics expert, because every scene something is blowing up. Whenever Pare fires a weapon, walls, cars, and even people explode. Three times they use the old gas pump gag, where the fuel would flow towards the fire and explode. I can't tell you how many stunt men dove threw windows, or off motorcycles, because I really can't count that high. Aside from the excessive use of fire, what I really love is that a movie made in 1997 didn't use one car made before 1980. Every automobile in this film looks as though it was stolen off of the set of the Fall Guy.

The grande finale of this film wasn't really Pare battling the head boss and his bad guys surrounded by more explosions, but rather his controversial, and perhaps completely confusing decision to turn down sex in favor of alcohol. The psychologist, who teamed up with Pare (who is fairly attractive.... the psychologist I mean, not Pare....although I am not completely immune to his powers), invites him back to her place, which he reacts to with a response that could only be described as luke warm....till Billy his partner arrives! Pare introduces them and then suggests they go to 'Rudy's' for some cocktails! Billy agrees, and so does the psychologist, but you can tell she is like "What the fuck? I just offered you hot sex, and you'd rather drink?". Pare actually cockblocks himself. Don't get me wrong, I love a cold beer as much as the next guy, but after battling evil in a towering inferno....I'll have the sex please.

Hamlin Grade : 3

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat