I now know what Columbus must have felt as he gazed upon the horizon.....and watched as it gave birth to the New World. On this day, I share a kinship with that revolutionary explorer....as I too have made a discovery....a discovery of such magnitude that it will shake the very foundations of the Bad Movie world. The Bad Movie of which I speak.....Cybernator.
Not since Troll 2 have I seen a bad movie of this order. If you were to take the Troll 2 dvd, squat and curl a steaming shit on it, and then place it into your player, you still wouldn't reach depths of badness that Cybernator represents. Right now you are saying to yourself "Fuck you Pat, you are an asshole!" True, I do on occassion have the appearance and personality of said orafice, however I submit that this movie has surpassed even my lofty expectations. Cybernator will certainly make our Top Five Worst, and I support this bad movie as a true challenger to the throne currently held by the reigning champion Troll 2. This nomination must be confirmed with unwaivering consent (much like the love scenes in The Accused) from my colleagues before it can enter our halls of greatness. Having said that.....let's get on with the review of Cybernator!
Cybernator is set in the year 2010, in what is apparently Los Angeles, except for a truly terrible matte painting, that the camera man (I swear he was using a hand held, because it was shaking so much) panned across for 5 minutes to give the illusion of a futuristic city.....after that its all LA. The film crew spared no effort (no seriously) to help us believe it is the future, aside from liberally placing extras in cyborg outfits. So, four years from now, everything will look the same except we will have blenders and crazy straws glued to our faces.
Cybernator's flagship actor is without question William Smith. I know you are thinking...who? I said the same thing to myself when I saw 'and special guest star' William Smith during the credits. My first thought was 'Holy Shit, Will Smith is in this', but soon found out it is a completely different actor. Now many of you will recognize William Smith for his portrayal as Col. Strelnikov from Red Dawn (he was the guy who killed Charlie Sheen at the end) and probably his biggest role was as Conan's father in Conan the Barbarian. Mr. Smith has been cast as the bad guy in essentially every TV Program you can imagine, including such greats as Knight Rider, The Fall Guy, Buck Rogers (he played the Trebor in that episode, the dude with the glowing hand who almost fucked up Buck...sweet episode), Hunter, The A-Team, The Six Million Dollar Man, The Dukes of Hazzard, Matt Huston, CHiPs (in three episodes mind you! now that is hot!)....the list goes on and on. With all seriousness, you should check out William Smith's filmography, it is truly an impressive sight to behold (much like Swayze on the lake).
Now after William Smith, the caliber of actor drops off severely. In fact I can be so bold as to say there are no actors in this movie after Mr. Smith. Our leading man Detective McCord, is played by Lonnie Schuyler (who will be playing in traffic after reading this review) and his partner Jim Weaver played by Jeff Jenkins (who starred in this film and never acted again, great sign) are onto the trail of a series of murders of United States Senators...committed by cyborgs. McCord is the cool, hip, rogue cop willing to break all the rules, and his partner Weaver is the more grounded and rational cop, who is the only one who can keep McCord in check.......stop me if you've heard this before....and let's complete this little duo by throwing in a Captain who hates them and yes berates them at every opportunity while enjoying a fine cigar. McCord by the way, looks like the off-spring of Danny Zuko and Jaromir Jagr....that takes a lot of getting used to.....
McCord has a love interest, who conveniently works in a strip club, which affords us the luxury of a break from these Shakespearean retards with a view of some dancing women, who really would look much better in clothing....or buried underground. His girlfriend named Blue (you're my boy Blue!), played by Christina Peralta is brilliantly awful. She is quite possibly the worst actress I have ever seen. Even her strip tease was absent of life, emotion, and sex appeal.....Shirley Hemphill from What's Happening would have been a hotter stripper.
The stars of Cybernator, McCord and Weaver while on the trail of these senator assassinating cyborgs uncover a huge military conspiracy plot and McCord learns a secret from his past that ties him to Colonel Peck (portrayed by the great William Smith). McCord will unveil his true self and go to war against these cyborgs with his stripper girlfriend Blue and battle to save our future (again only 4 years from now). Cybernator combines the action of Lethal Weapon (yeah ok), the special effects of Terminator (bullshit), keeps you guessing like the Usual Suspects (oh fuck you!) and weaves a beautiful backdrop for a love story unparallelled since Steel Magnolias ( one of Fletch's favorite cinematic epics). You'll laugh, you'll cry,....just kidding, you'll just laugh.
The special effects in this film will really add to your bad movie experience. Utilizing the computing power of an Atari 2600, we are visually assualted with a wide array of CGI and effects. The sets are beautifully designed and crafted, so much so you can hardly tell its the same one with just a few picture changes. The crowning moment is Blue's home, which has spackled holes on the wall. Attention to detail is key. The cyborgs.....wow. This film was truly ahead of its time. Stapling household products and belt buckles to peoples faces, and the generous use of metallic spray paint must have truly made the creature creators at Stan Winston's Studios quake with fear.
The audio in this film is terrible. Well, everything in this bad movie is, so at least its consistent. I think Weaver's lines may have been redubbed, because everytime he speaks there is a hum or static behind him. This however, only adds to the ambience of this masterpiece. Frankly, what you can't understand really doesn't matter.
Cybernator is available as a single dvd but also comes available as part of a double feature dvd with a movie called Hyperspace. Yes, I have a copy on the way and I promise you a review of it soon. Any movie sandwiched onto the same disc as Cybernator has got to be a piece of shit. I give Cybernator my highest recommendation. If you are looking for a bad movie this is it. Enjoy my friends.
Hamlin Grade: 10
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,