Figures dressed in white jumpsuits walk through a desolate landscape of sand and rock. On closer inspection one notices a NASA patch on their breast pockets and an American Flag on their arm. We soon learn these figures are indeed astronauts who have just woken from a forty year cryogenic sleep to find the earth a very strange and different place than the one they left. Are you expecting some sort of ape like creature to appear? No apes! Better then apes?! What could be better then apes? You guessed it, giant praying mantis! For you are watching Alien Apocalypse! The four astronauts who have landed are immediately captured by men wearing leather pants, bad wigs and terrible fake beards, while riding horses "you know those bounty hunters are fags". The injured female astronaut is immediately executed, so you know they mean business. Our token black astronaut is not far behind as his head is bitten off and eaten whole by one of the alien rulers (giant praying mantis) known as "Mites". This leaves Bruce Campbell (Ivan), and Renee O'Connor (Kelly), our heroes and makers of romance, to be used as slaves.

They are thrown into the pit with the rest of the humans where they find out that twenty years ago, the Mites dropped bombs that killed most of the human race, but did not harm the trees. Why not the trees you ask? Get ready for this one. Wood is like gold on the planet they are from, so they have come to harvest the trees from Earth and ship them back to their own planet. Oh, did I forget to mention that on Sundays they pray to the "Giant Termite in the Sky"? The wonderful thing is that in those twenty long years, mankind has regressed back to the stone age, forgetting what doctors, and astronauts are, and such basic things such as handshakes (a reoccurring joke that never gets off the ground).

But wait, there is hope for the slaves in the form of a myth of a rebellion rising in the mountains, led by the former President of the United States. This inspires Ivan and Kelly to escape the sawmill slave camps, and thus the adventure begins. Along the way our hero meets a random cave babe, visits Freedom Valley (apparently the aliens can't find this village in plane sight), and collects a motley crew in an attempt to win back their freedom. I know, I got a little choked up as well.

You will not see any cool spaceships, fantastic aliens, or jaw-dropping apocalyptic landscapes. Instead you will be treated to some mediocre computer generated effects the likes of which you have most certainly seen. Not to mention the sets and costumes: forget about it! No really, forget about them, they are non-existent. It looks as though director Josh Backer took the film crew up to his Uncle Jimbo's farm in the woods and made do with the surroundings. That reminds me; for an alien species supposedly raping the Earth of all it's wood, they are not doing such a great job! Almost every scene in this movie is in a dense forest. In fact, I have never seen Forests this thick and abundant in my life!

It is very clear there was very little money for Alien Apocalypse, but the production wisely spent cash on landing one of the finest actors of our time in Bruce Campbell. As far as the rest of the cast goes………… did I mention they got Bruce Campbell? Yes, Mr. Campbell comes through again with his charismatic campy delivery. We get such gems as "your stupidity is terminal and now you're cured." The Power of the Campbell is a double-edged sword. He brings a plethora of advantages to a film, but having recruited him shows this production doesn't take itself too seriously, and that will cost them a Hamlin. Renee O'Conner does deliver an impressive kill spit, and will be rewarded with a half Hamlin for her efforts.

Hamlin Grade 4

Fletch is a killing word