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| May 2006 »
I now know what Columbus must have felt as he gazed upon the horizon.....and watched as it gave birth to the New World. On this day, I share a kinship with that revolutionary explorer....as I too have made a discovery....a discovery of such magnitude that it will shake the very foundations of the Bad Movie world. The Bad Movie of which I speak.....Cybernator.
Not since Troll 2 have I seen a bad movie of this order. If you were to take the Troll 2 dvd, squat and curl a steaming shit on it, and then place it into your player, you still wouldn't reach depths of badness that Cybernator represents. Right now you are saying to yourself "Fuck you Pat, you are an asshole!" True, I do on occassion have the appearance and personality of said orafice, however I submit that this movie has surpassed even my lofty expectations. Cybernator will certainly make our Top Five Worst, and I support this bad movie as a true challenger to the throne currently held by the reigning champion Troll 2. This nomination must be confirmed with unwaivering consent (much like the love scenes in The Accused) from my colleagues before it can enter our halls of greatness. Having said that.....let's get on with the review of Cybernator!
Cybernator is set in the year 2010, in what is apparently Los Angeles, except for a truly terrible matte painting, that the camera man (I swear he was using a hand held, because it was shaking so much) panned across for 5 minutes to give the illusion of a futuristic city.....after that its all LA. The film crew spared no effort (no seriously) to help us believe it is the future, aside from liberally placing extras in cyborg outfits. So, four years from now, everything will look the same except we will have blenders and crazy straws glued to our faces.
Cybernator's flagship actor is without question William Smith. I know you are thinking...who? I said the same thing to myself when I saw 'and special guest star' William Smith during the credits. My first thought was 'Holy Shit, Will Smith is in this', but soon found out it is a completely different actor. Now many of you will recognize William Smith for his portrayal as Col. Strelnikov from Red Dawn (he was the guy who killed Charlie Sheen at the end) and probably his biggest role was as Conan's father in Conan the Barbarian. Mr. Smith has been cast as the bad guy in essentially every TV Program you can imagine, including such greats as Knight Rider, The Fall Guy, Buck Rogers (he played the Trebor in that episode, the dude with the glowing hand who almost fucked up Buck...sweet episode), Hunter, The A-Team, The Six Million Dollar Man, The Dukes of Hazzard, Matt Huston, CHiPs (in three episodes mind you! now that is hot!)....the list goes on and on. With all seriousness, you should check out William Smith's filmography, it is truly an impressive sight to behold (much like Swayze on the lake).
Now after William Smith, the caliber of actor drops off severely. In fact I can be so bold as to say there are no actors in this movie after Mr. Smith. Our leading man Detective McCord, is played by Lonnie Schuyler (who will be playing in traffic after reading this review) and his partner Jim Weaver played by Jeff Jenkins (who starred in this film and never acted again, great sign) are onto the trail of a series of murders of United States Senators...committed by cyborgs. McCord is the cool, hip, rogue cop willing to break all the rules, and his partner Weaver is the more grounded and rational cop, who is the only one who can keep McCord in check.......stop me if you've heard this before....and let's complete this little duo by throwing in a Captain who hates them and yes berates them at every opportunity while enjoying a fine cigar. McCord by the way, looks like the off-spring of Danny Zuko and Jaromir Jagr....that takes a lot of getting used to.....
McCord has a love interest, who conveniently works in a strip club, which affords us the luxury of a break from these Shakespearean retards with a view of some dancing women, who really would look much better in clothing....or buried underground. His girlfriend named Blue (you're my boy Blue!), played by Christina Peralta is brilliantly awful. She is quite possibly the worst actress I have ever seen. Even her strip tease was absent of life, emotion, and sex appeal.....Shirley Hemphill from What's Happening would have been a hotter stripper.
The stars of Cybernator, McCord and Weaver while on the trail of these senator assassinating cyborgs uncover a huge military conspiracy plot and McCord learns a secret from his past that ties him to Colonel Peck (portrayed by the great William Smith). McCord will unveil his true self and go to war against these cyborgs with his stripper girlfriend Blue and battle to save our future (again only 4 years from now). Cybernator combines the action of Lethal Weapon (yeah ok), the special effects of Terminator (bullshit), keeps you guessing like the Usual Suspects (oh fuck you!) and weaves a beautiful backdrop for a love story unparallelled since Steel Magnolias ( one of Fletch's favorite cinematic epics). You'll laugh, you'll cry,....just kidding, you'll just laugh.
The special effects in this film will really add to your bad movie experience. Utilizing the computing power of an Atari 2600, we are visually assualted with a wide array of CGI and effects. The sets are beautifully designed and crafted, so much so you can hardly tell its the same one with just a few picture changes. The crowning moment is Blue's home, which has spackled holes on the wall. Attention to detail is key. The cyborgs.....wow. This film was truly ahead of its time. Stapling household products and belt buckles to peoples faces, and the generous use of metallic spray paint must have truly made the creature creators at Stan Winston's Studios quake with fear.
The audio in this film is terrible. Well, everything in this bad movie is, so at least its consistent. I think Weaver's lines may have been redubbed, because everytime he speaks there is a hum or static behind him. This however, only adds to the ambience of this masterpiece. Frankly, what you can't understand really doesn't matter.
Cybernator is available as a single dvd but also comes available as part of a double feature dvd with a movie called Hyperspace. Yes, I have a copy on the way and I promise you a review of it soon. Any movie sandwiched onto the same disc as Cybernator has got to be a piece of shit. I give Cybernator my highest recommendation. If you are looking for a bad movie this is it. Enjoy my friends.
Hamlin Grade: 10
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Cast: Jan-Michael Vincent as Commander, Dyana Ortelli as Orrie, P.J. Soles as Tara, John Phillip Law as Ward Armstrong, Ross Hagen as Kol, Jesse Dabson as Benny, Dawn Wildsmith as Caroline, Robert Clarke as Lund, Richard Wiley as Rick, Leo Gordon as Cpl. Coburn, Robert Quarry as Doc Burnside, Fox Harris as Burt, Hoke Howell as Harley, Jesse Dabson as Benny, Dawn Wildsmith as Caroline, Robert Clarke as Lund, Richard Wiley as Rick, and the wonderful one word named Teagan as the Alienator!
Tagline: An android hunter from outer space is about to create hell on earth.
Just let me say this movie is more like hell on your TV screen. And yes, you read it correctly, our leading man in this movie is Jan-Micheal Vincent, for about a whole 5 minutes, obviously this is HUGE budget, when the Jan Man is your lead and he appears as book ends in this flick for a grand total of 300 seconds…
To the Plot, Jan Man is the commander of an intergalactic prison, that is holding, and about to execute Kol (Ross Hagen, of the "Angel" and "Avenging Angel" series), a big time space bad boy. Well Kol manages to escape from his space prison (a set that is made up of obvious ply wood and a warehouse, but is supposedly a state of the art high security space station), and ends up heading to, you guessed it, Earth. And in the last scene we see the Jan Man in, until the end of the movie, he orders the realese of “The Alienator� to go hunt down and terminate Kol (hence the brilliance in the title of this mess, an Alien/Terminator: The Alienator, and also a film that is sure to alienate director Fred Olen Ray’s viewers form watching any of his other flicks).
Cut to Earth, where we meet a group of twenty somethings in an RV on their way to a camping trip. And here is where we are exposed to the brilliance of who-ever wrote this travesty, while driving our typical jock is sluggin’ down brews and when questioned about the safety of swillin’ we get one of the many great lines in the flick “I drive better with a couple cold ones�, and the ball just keeps on rolling from here. And don’t you know it, right after this exchange the RV strikes Kol who is now on Earth and of course standing in the middle of the road. The kids in the RV are so upset that may have potentially turned an innocent bystander into roadkill the best line they can muster up is “Way to go Mario�… Yeah, I’m at a loss for words as well. Anyway, the story progresses and the kids think they’ve wounded an innocent man and take Kol to the nearest Park Ranger, Ward Armstrong (played by John Phillip Law of “Barbarella� fame). Well our group assumes that the unconscious Kol is a good guy and try to help him, he regains consciousness and convinces the gang that there is a very bad person “the actually good Alienator� out to get him, and a mess up of “Threes Company� caliber ensues. Eventually The Alienator shows up, and lets just say it’s a female about as jacked as Arnold and wearing a costume that is, well just unexplainable. From here the pace of the movie regains steam with God-awful explosions and lazer blasts as the entire cast ends up chasing each other around the woods.
I really don’t want to expose to much of the brilliant plot twists and turns here, it really has to be seen to be believed, but I will leave you with some questions. Will our intrepid heroes discover the evil ways of Kol? Will they survive the Alienator? How will the Jan Man return to the plot? You will have to catch this masterpiece to find out.
Hamlin Grade: 5 (it gets 1 extra for the Alienator’s outfit)
You spend two minutes alone, and you feel shame.
Duges
Figures dressed in white jumpsuits walk through a desolate landscape of sand and rock. On closer inspection one notices a NASA patch on their breast pockets and an American Flag on their arm. We soon learn these figures are indeed astronauts who have just woken from a forty year cryogenic sleep to find the earth a very strange and different place than the one they left. Are you expecting some sort of ape like creature to appear? No apes! Better then apes?! What could be better then apes? You guessed it, giant praying mantis! For you are watching Alien Apocalypse! The four astronauts who have landed are immediately captured by men wearing leather pants, bad wigs and terrible fake beards, while riding horses "you know those bounty hunters are fags". The injured female astronaut is immediately executed, so you know they mean business. Our token black astronaut is not far behind as his head is bitten off and eaten whole by one of the alien rulers (giant praying mantis) known as "Mites". This leaves Bruce Campbell (Ivan), and Renee O'Connor (Kelly), our heroes and makers of romance, to be used as slaves.
They are thrown into the pit with the rest of the humans where they find out that twenty years ago, the Mites dropped bombs that killed most of the human race, but did not harm the trees. Why not the trees you ask? Get ready for this one. Wood is like gold on the planet they are from, so they have come to harvest the trees from Earth and ship them back to their own planet. Oh, did I forget to mention that on Sundays they pray to the "Giant Termite in the Sky"? The wonderful thing is that in those twenty long years, mankind has regressed back to the stone age, forgetting what doctors, and astronauts are, and such basic things such as handshakes (a reoccurring joke that never gets off the ground).
But wait, there is hope for the slaves in the form of a myth of a rebellion rising in the mountains, led by the former President of the United States. This inspires Ivan and Kelly to escape the sawmill slave camps, and thus the adventure begins. Along the way our hero meets a random cave babe, visits Freedom Valley (apparently the aliens can't find this village in plane sight), and collects a motley crew in an attempt to win back their freedom. I know, I got a little choked up as well.
You will not see any cool spaceships, fantastic aliens, or jaw-dropping apocalyptic landscapes. Instead you will be treated to some mediocre computer generated effects the likes of which you have most certainly seen. Not to mention the sets and costumes: forget about it! No really, forget about them, they are non-existent. It looks as though director Josh Backer took the film crew up to his Uncle Jimbo's farm in the woods and made do with the surroundings. That reminds me; for an alien species supposedly raping the Earth of all it's wood, they are not doing such a great job! Almost every scene in this movie is in a dense forest. In fact, I have never seen Forests this thick and abundant in my life!
It is very clear there was very little money for Alien Apocalypse, but the production wisely spent cash on landing one of the finest actors of our time in Bruce Campbell. As far as the rest of the cast goes………… did I mention they got Bruce Campbell? Yes, Mr. Campbell comes through again with his charismatic campy delivery. We get such gems as "your stupidity is terminal and now you're cured." The Power of the Campbell is a double-edged sword. He brings a plethora of advantages to a film, but having recruited him shows this production doesn't take itself too seriously, and that will cost them a Hamlin. Renee O'Conner does deliver an impressive kill spit, and will be rewarded with a half Hamlin for her efforts.
Hamlin Grade 4
Fletch is a killing word
Bloodsport 2: The Next Kumite reunites us with a Bad Movie Knight favorite, actor Daniel Bernhardt. You may remember Mr. Bernhardt from our previous bad movie review of Future War. Daniel Bernhardt once again brings us the kind of performance we could only expect from an actor of his years and experience....
Bernhardt portrays Alex Cardo, an accomplished thief, and ladies man, till he steals an object of value beyond his comprehension from the sinister David Leung (played by the very evil Pat Morita, of 'Mr. Miyagi' fame). The object he steals is a katana sword (which we will later discover cannot be stolen, only earned....ummmmm then how did he steal it dipshits?), which was to be awarded as a trophy to the winner of this years Kumite. Mr. Leung, obviously upset, has Cardo captured and sent to prison.
The prison (which is truly terrifying, because all of the inmates are forced to wear pink and shades of lavender) initiates a 'Count of Monte Cristo' type of story line as Cardo befriends the older Sun (played by James Hong, who you may remember as Lo-Pan from Big Trouble in Little China)....who takes Cardo under his wing, protects him from the evil guard Demon (who Cardo will obviously have to face later on...) and teaches him the Iron Hand (now seriously, ...if some old dude in prison came up to and said "hey, wanna learn the Iron Hand"....wouldn't you be concerned?). I should probably warn you that Daniel Bernhardt is pretty much shirtless throughout this entire feature, and in a few choice scenes, only wearing some tasty speedo briefs. Not since Patrick Swayze have I found myself this attracted to another man (oh yeah, I'm talking Roadhouse....Swayze doing Tai Chi on the banks of a lake equals hot!). During lunch at some point, Sun brings up the Kumite and how special it is to Cardo (again strange, the man that wants to show you the iron hand, now wants to see you fight other well oiled, half naked men....hmmmmm).
Insert training montage.
Cardo is released from his pink prison, by the evil Mr. Miyagi I mean Leung, who is not so evil now....(both old men in this movie are uneccessarily creepy, especially when addressing Bernhardt...love triangle perhaps?) Leung released Cardo in an attempt to retrieve the sword he stole many months earlier, because the Kumite is about to begin, and he obviously needs it to present to the winner. Fortunately, Cardo pulls some strings and through a series of events manages to regain the katana and get it back into the hands of Mr. Miyagi.
Cardo enters the Kumite with the help of Tiny (played by Donald Gibb of Revenge of the Nerds glory (he played Ogre)) who is now the 'Handler' of the Kumite. What's strange here is that Gibb plays essentially the same character, but with a different name. Going by Tiny, and once referring to himself as Raymond. In Bloodsport he played Ray Jackson, but there was never a reference to Tiny. This is obviously a case of Guttenberg's Principle with a twist. Wonders never cease when you toss one of these disasters into your dvd player.
What follows is lots of hot man on man action (no not that kind Fletch)....actually, the fight scenes are average at best....the fighters aren't all that intimidating, and I think I could have kicked the dick out of few of them...but it does cover up the fact that this story has no story, and this movie has no actors for a good 30-45 minutes...plus it seamlessly ties this piece of shit, to the original Bloodsport (which was pretty decent, and one of Van Damme's better movies....can't believe I just wrote that).
Can anyone guess the ironic ending? Who will win the once stolen katana sword? Will it be Alex Cardo?
Yes.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 Often, successful movies spawn sequels....these films are created to help further develop the stories and characters (oh come on!), but for the most part, it is to thoroughly mine a franchise which has little or no fruit left to bear. A lot of times, the sequel that follows is such a bad movie, that the sequel that follows it will completely ignore it and start fresh. This is called the Quickening.
The Quickening is named after the bad movie Highlander 2: The Quickening (starring the versatile Christopher Lambert) which followed the very succesful Highlander. Highlander 2: The Quickening was such a travesty that if you mention it to true Highlander fans they will immediately strike you in the groin area, rape your mother, and shoot your dog (if no dog is available, they will shoot your mother....and rape her again). Highlander 3: The Sorcerer which followed roughly three years later completely ignored that Highlander 2 ever occurred. In fact I recall cast and crew celebrating the fact (although Highlander 3 was not much of an improvement....Mario Van Peebles imitation of Kurgen was pretty weak...I digress) that this film was a sequel to Highlander, and dismissed the second film entirely. Thus the Quickening became Hollywood lore.
The Quickening is so rampant that it is readily seen here in bad movies at BadMovieKnights.com. Troll 2 and Jaws: The Revenge (Jaws 4) are perfect examples of films that have completely ignored their predecessors, and outstanding examples of what a bad movie is and should be!
Enjoy your bad movies, and thank you for joining the Knights on their quest.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Blood Money stars Wings Hauser and my new favorite actor Robert Z'dar (of Future War fame).
I really want to rip into both of these guys, but in all fairness I can't. Wings Hauser, although no Robert Deniro, really doesn't do too bad a job. Same goes for Robert Z'Dar. What makes this movie so great (or awful, depending on a certain point of view....A certain point of view? Luke you are going to find that many of the bad movies we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view...whoah sorry, parentheses flashback), is that Hauser and Z'Dar, so outclass the supporting cast of actors and actresses, it's like watching Glengary Glen Ross with me in it. This is a little something I like to call the Ironside Agenda.
This epic is centered around a counterfeiting ring that gets taken over by Miller (played by Robert Z'Dar) and his gang (played by a group of the worst actors on this planet). Miller then tries to use his newly found counterfeit money to sell to the highest bidder, of which there aren't many, so he obviously becomes enraged.....hmmm the insane Mobster, becoming more angry and seeking out vengeance....are we in danger of having a plot develop here? Certainly not!
Detective Jack Saxon (played by Wings Hauser....what a great name) is a cop who....get ready for this....is too violent and is on the outs with his Chief! Wow! His job, is also effecting his relationship with his new fiance....who by the way refused to marry him in the beginning of the movie unless he did it from his knees! Who the hell are you lady? Zod? Detective Saxon eventually ends up getting suspended for his ultra-violent tactics halfway thru the movie, till the head of the FBI declares that he is needed to break the case! (see Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, etc.)
Peppered throughout this Scorsese-like masterpeice are some brilliant Vietnam flashbacks that show us the relationship of Miller and Saxon in the earlier years. Vietnam, as I learned looks a lot like California, so much so you can practically hear the traffic from the expressway. While in Vietnam, Miller and Saxon share some special moments, like the "lets shoot bottles from each other's hands" game, and eventually Miller saves Saxon's life (uh oh...life debt).
As I said earlier, the supporting cast is really what brings this movie together. Miller's gang members are like a bunch of Good Fellas that got microwaved. Saxon's fiance is....aside from when she's naked, is completely useless....and his partner....holy shit what a pussy! His partner, bad actor obviously, plays a cop who's afraid to shoot his gun. So much so, there is a stand off between him and a bad guy that lasts for five minutes with both participants saying 'You put your gun down', 'No! You put your gun down!'....and guess what....the cop actually puts his gun down. Next time you are facing off against a cop, give that a try!
The climax of this movie is when Saxon and Miller face off to the death. Can Saxon save his fiance? Will his partner grow a set? Do you care?
If all else fails, you will certainly be intrigued by Robert Z'Dar. The man has such a huge jaw, it makes Jay Lenos' seem average. That combined with his Rocky Balboa haircut will certainly give you enough to look at for 94 minutes you will have to sacrifice for this film. If not you can always use the dvd as a coaster for your beer.
Hamlin Grade: 3.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 "The candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long and you have burned so very brightly Roy."
In this case, it is not a candle that burns, but a star. Sometimes, during a movie, an actor or actress leaves it all on the set and delivers a performance that far exceeds that of his or her peers. This is what's called the Ironside Agenda.
Named after the great Michael Ironside, and more specifically his performance in Starship Troopers, the Ironside Agenda is a frequent occurence in the realm of Bad Movie Night. Not to say that Casper Van Dien, Denise Richards, and Doogie Howser didn't act brilliantly (because they didn't), but they were no match for the glow of Mr. Ironside's Shakespearean effort. The fault lies with the casting director for not recognizing the calibre of performers available to them.
The Ironside Agenda is another term you can add to your Bad Movie Night glossary and help you better classify your Bad Movies. Good luck my friends!
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
There's a reason why this movie sits in the third position on our Top 5 Worst. Shark Attack 3: Megaladon brilliantly combines bad acting, no direction, a plot/story loosely pillaged from Jaws, bad acting, amazingly poor special effects, lots of tits and bad acting.
The story (i hate using this word when reviewing these movies) follows a security guard / coast guard / cop named Ben Carpenter, a paleonotologist named Cataline Stone, and an ex Navy Diver turned Submariner Chuck Rampart. This thespian triumvirate joins forces through a chain of events brought about by a cloud on the horizon....a cloud in the shape of a great white shark (actually its a prehistoric shark known as Megalodon...man that was a weak opening).
Ben, while on patrol with his partner Sy (portrayed as a native Mexican based purely on 20 year old stereotypes) decide to dive for some lobsters...Ben discovers a Trans-Pacific cable (Jaws 2), that has been damaged....by a shark! Ben takes a shark tooth (no not the size of a shot glass) that he found embedded in the cable and puts a photo of it on the Shark Tooth database (where I'm sure Fletch's friend who says sharks do like cold water spends all of his free time...dick).
Enter Cataline Stone...paleontologist, and total babe,(after about 12 beers and a shovel to the head) Cat recognizes that the tooth is not from a great white, but rather from a shark that has been extinct since the time of the Dinosaurs. After a brief meeting with Ben, she confirms her suspicions and heads out to sea to tag the creature along with her dipshit crew.....a camera man who loves denim, and shark tagging expert who enjoys staring at Cat's ass. So many sequences are ripped directly from Jaws I don't know why they didn't just tape the movie and put a new cover on it. You will love the way they seamlessly meld the stock footage of sharks with the assholes on the boat.
My favorite character in the movie, is submarine driver Chuck 'Fucking' Rampart. You will notice rapidly that he has a penchant for dividing words /phrases and cleverly inserting a 'fucking' for dramatic effect (i.e. bull 'fucking' shit, and abso 'fucking' lutely). Chuck realizes that there is a conspiracy going on with the underwater cable. Filled with fiberoptics, when not properly insulated the electric current will be so strong that it will attract extinct prehistoric animals (so if it was sitting on land, it would be safe to assume a Tyrannosaurus Rex would show up). Chuck, man of action that he is goes straight to the man (head of Apex Corporation, and also one of several actors in this piece of crap that had accents so bad, they had to be dubbed by people with accents almost as bad) and throws a barrage of swear words at him before being tossed by security. Chuck also has a totally cherry office, complete with photos of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney (probably the worst actors in this film) hanging behind his desk.
Cat and Ben meanwhile team up to stop the Megalodon, which we discover is a baby (see Jaws 3) tipping the scales at meager 15 feet long. What follows would either make Speilberg cry, or Benchley rise from the dead, as the shark hits the hull of the boat, causing rivets to pop which begin flooding the ship. The shark even crashes through the side of the boat, and attacks Cat and Ben in the cabin (see Jaws). Cat manages to subdue the creature with an 'Ah-Nuld' type catch phrase....and their is joy.....or is there? Babies come from mothers don't they....so if this shark is the baby....then where is the mother (Jaws 3)?
Now normally I would continue and tell you what comes next, but this movie is like the Matrix....you have to experience it for yourself. My literary talents (or lack thereof) are powerless to accurately describe the visuals, special effects and dialogue to come. Speaking of dialogue.....one of the greatest lines ever in a bad movie is nestled somewhere within this beauty....you will know it when you hear it, and hear it you will. I'm loath to spoil this one for you, because it is pickup line that describes an act of such profanity, that decorum prohibits listing it here. Faithfully submitted, one Douglas C. Neidermayer, Seargent at Arms.
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon delivers like a prune juice cocktail, with a Metamucil chaser.....smooooth. Enjoy!
Hamlin Grade: 8
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
1990: Bronx Warriors is set in the apocalyptic future where the northern most borough of New York City is now known as "No Mans Land" where gangs rule and "the worst things happen all by themselves". This 1982 release by Italian director Enzo G. Castellari, gives us a dark image of the future we have seen many, many times before, ala Mad Max, Escape from New York and the Warriors.
The plot is very original and so complex it may be hard to explain but I'll do my best. Ann (future president of the Manhattan Corporation……. Apparently the island of Manhattan is a giant Corporation in the future!) has decided to throw away her fortunes in order to find something or someone she can call her own. Enter Trash, the young, totally feminine, leather clad, longhaired leader of a motorcycle gang who has zero chemistry with our heroin. Trash and the "Raiders" manage to save Ann from a rival Gang donning roller skates, hockey sticks and futuristic
shoulderpads. This showdown, which seems like a fight between the boys from the Blue Oyster Bar and the New York Rangers is the first of many lackluster action sequences that will have you wondering why you've waited so long to see this steaming pile of eighties cinema! Back to the plot! Girl runs away and is rescued by boy with motorcycle gang. Rival gang in power struggle in the Bronx then kidnaps girl. Boy is determined to run the gauntlet for the girl of his dreams, but fails to realize the evil corporation has infiltrated the gang and has let loose a bounty hunter named the Hammer, to find the girl and return her to her rightful place in Manhattan. I told you it's completely original!
The Acting is tiptop! I wouldn't say Mark Gregory plays Trash; rather he is Trash! This guy never leaves the cat walk and tip toes around the Bronx looking for action with his elbow-spike pad. No, I'm not kidding; it's an elbow pad with a huge curved spike coming out of it! I'd be willing to argue that Mark Gregory's walk/strut, as Trash is the worst thing to be caught on film. I'm curious to see if he carries this feature into his rolls in movies like Escape from the Bronx, Thunder Warrior 1,2,and 3!
The supporting roles are held down with the solid performances we have come to expect from Fred Williams
as Ogre and Vic Morrow as the Hammer. Vic really gives the intensity necessary not only to blow away a defenseless gang member with a shotgun, but plug one in his girlfriend as well.
Costumes, locations, special effects, and overall look are stunning. The locations are actually quite nice to see. Apparently in "1990" part of Brooklyn and Roosevelt Island have been annexed by the Bronx. Your eyes will be assaulted by Cabaret Gangs dance fighting, Pimps on fiery Chariots, sub-human cave dwellers and much much more! Prepare yourself for 92 minutes of unforgivable movie "The first to die were the lucky ones!"
Hamlin Grade : 5.5
Fletch is a killing word,
Fletch
Michael Pare pulls out all the stops for this one....both of them. Merchant of Death delivers non-stop action, non-acting, non-directing, and non-stop laughter!
The intricate plot focuses on Detective Randall (Pare), who witnessed his family being killed while on a picnic by some asshole (who looks like Al Pacino from Carlito's Way) and his buddies (one of which has an eye patch....eye patch = evil!) and grows up to become a cop, but is still traumatized by what he saw (never been done before in a movie, unless you count Batman, and The Punisher), so he's the 'bad' cop (meaning he get's shit from his Chief (who is some cigar smoking redneck)) but he always gets the job done, but in a violent manner (stop me if any of this sounds familiar).
Randall teams up with a Psychologist who was assigned to evaluate his sanity (I'm having mine checked out for sitting through this crap) but obviously, falls victim to the Pare (The Pare is a phenomenon where women (and some men) are uncontrollably possessed by the desire to have some sweet Pare. No one can resist the Pare....NO ONE!) and disregards her job and safety to help Randall find the killers of his family some 23 years later. Randall is also helped by his partner Billy, who he treats like complete shit, but this guy can't seem to get enough of it (can't resist the Pare...see I told you).
Merchant of Death offers more gun fights and explosions than I think I've ever seen (or frankly are necessary) in a movie. I'm not exaggerating. The Director of this movie, must have been a former pyro-technics expert, because every scene something is blowing up. Whenever Pare fires a weapon, walls, cars, and even people explode. Three times they use the old gas pump gag, where the fuel would flow towards the fire and explode. I can't tell you how many stunt men dove threw windows, or off motorcycles, because I really can't count that high. Aside from the excessive use of fire, what I really love is that a movie made in 1997 didn't use one car made before 1980. Every automobile in this film looks as though it was stolen off of the set of the Fall Guy.
The grande finale of this film wasn't really Pare battling the head boss and his bad guys surrounded by more explosions, but rather his controversial, and perhaps completely confusing decision to turn down sex in favor of alcohol. The psychologist, who teamed up with Pare (who is fairly attractive.... the psychologist I mean, not Pare....although I am not completely immune to his powers), invites him back to her place, which he reacts to with a response that could only be described as luke warm....till Billy his partner arrives! Pare introduces them and then suggests they go to 'Rudy's' for some cocktails! Billy agrees, and so does the psychologist, but you can tell she is like "What the fuck? I just offered you hot sex, and you'd rather drink?". Pare actually cockblocks himself. Don't get me wrong, I love a cold beer as much as the next guy, but after battling evil in a towering inferno....I'll have the sex please.
Hamlin Grade : 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Normally we don't review films that make it to the big screen, or ones that have Oscar winners in them, but Jaws:The Revenge is an exception that must clearly break that rule.
The fourth film in the Jaws franchise, Jaws: The Revenge personifies the Guttenberg Principle as none of the original cast except for Lorraine Gary has returned to reprise their roles. Unless you count a photo of Chief Brody hanging in the police station. Jaws: The Revenge also completely ignores the 1983 smash hit Jaws 3,(which was in 3-D. Remember our early 80's love affair with this state-of-the-art technology? Don't worry, we will remind you very soon!) which on paper was a brilliant on idea, however in execution it was so poor that if they ever make Jaws 5, they will have to ignore this one too.
Jaws: The Revenge starts off quickly as a young Sean Brody, who is following in his father's footsteps, and is now a deputy of the Amityville Sheriff's Department, has met his match as crisis strikes during this holiday season.... a channel buoy is hung up on a floating log! Who will rescue it? Deputy Brody is on the job, because a tangled channel bouy must be addressed immediately, even on Christmas night. As Deputy Brody frees the buoy a great white shark (hidden below the log, a clever trap setup up by this evil fish and one of the oldest tricks in the book...everyone knows the great white under the floating log gag....but this guys a New Englander so cut him some slack) frees Brody of his arm. Screaming and wailing like a pussy (not that I would be very cool in that situation), the shark eventually tips the boat, sends young Brody overboard and feasts upon him. Que the blood pumps.
Now I'm no Icthyologist but I'm pretty sure sharks are not fond of cold water, especialy Nantucket waters approaching near freezing temperatures during the holiday season. Suspend disbelief.
What follows is scene after scene of Ellen Brody breaking down and crying. Lorraine Gary does such a compelling job of portraying sadness that I can only assume that she was thinking about her movie career during these moments.
At this point, you'd think the Brody family would migrate to Wisconsin, but no, at the urging of her oldest son Michael Brody (brilliantly portrayed by Lance Guest of Superman and The Last Starfighter fame), she moves down to the Caribbean to join his wife and daugher. Smart move, no shark could ever get to you and your loved ones on a tropical island....and thus the plot begins to take shape. This shark that attacked Sean, was apparently related to the shark and or sharks from Jaws 3, oh sorry Jaws 2, since we are ignoring Jaws 3. The attack on Sean was just the first step in a revenge plot against the Brody family!
In the Caribbean, we see Michael Brody, back to work as a marine biologist (studying the migration of conches....could you find a less interesting sea creature to study?) along with his partner Jake (played by the star of Highlander 3, Mario Van Peebles....Van is for Vantastic!) when suddenly the shark surfaces and tries to attack Michael. Jake immediately dismisses his original field work (good move) to begin tagging and tracking the shark (this introduces for the first time, the shark cam, which involves technology that will probably be available in a decade or so).
Meanwhile, Ellen Brody is still crying. Inbetween her bouts of depression she meets the charismatic, drunk pilot Hoagie (played by 2 time Oscar winner Michael Caine...i know, i know...I'm sure he doesn't know why he was in this movie either) who expertly tries to romance her out of her clothing (but thankfully doesn't, no need to show these two raisins bumping uglies).
The turning point of the film, is when the shark (able to sniff out Brody DNA) attacks young Thea Brody (perhaps the most annoying young actress ever prior to the arrival of Dakota Fanning) daughther of Michael (son of Jor-El) and granddaughter of Ellen Brody. Fortnately she is ok and the shark just kills an extra. Suspend disbelief.
Ellen cries.
Realizing that this shark will never leave her family alone unless she faces it (or Hollywood stops funding this shit) Ellen Brody steals her son's research ship and heads out to sea to meet her nemesis. Her concerned family and friends, Michael, Jake, and Hoagie take to the air to find her. Locating the boat, and the shark in close pursuit they land / crash the plane in an attempt to save her. The shark is immediately on the crippled aircraft. Michael and Jake manage to escape to saftey, but Hoagie appears to be trapped in the plane by the shark. The plane explodes. Devestated by the passing of her friend Ellen cries. This is the "I am your father" moment of this movie, and proves that Michael Caine is indestructible. As his friends mourn their loss, Hoagie reappears on the side of the boat. Stunned by his remarkable survival skills, they ask how he made it, and he quickly and clearly explains his escape by saying "It wasn't easy!" Well done Mike!
The three form a plan to kill the shark while Ellen weeps, by tagging the shark with a unique strobe / tracker thing they stole from the set of Star Trek. Heroically depositing the tracker along with his entire body, Jake is taken under by the shark. Ellen cries. Now able to make the shark breach at will, they turn the ships bow towards the shark, hit the strobe button, blah blah blah, shark's midsection is impaled on the front of the boat. Suspend disbelief. Suspend disbelief.
Now just when you thought the surprises were over, this one lands across your face like the back of your drunk uncle's hand. Wimpering, grunting and floating along side the boat is Jake. Not to be outdone by Michael Caine's invinciblity, Mario Van Peeble's is equally shark proof. I can only imagine these two in the casting room...."you aren't killing my character!" "Well my character isn't gonna die either then!". Suspend disbelief.
This movie is no where near our Top 5 worst, but it does illustrate a terrific example of how to piss away millions of dollars. Perhaps I am just bitter, because I was one of 3 assholes who actually saw this mess on the big screen. Perhaps. But now, revenge is mine. By the way, if you don't want the ending of this movie spoiled, don't read the last 4 paragraphs of this review.
Hamlin Grade : 2
Somewhere, Ellen is still crying.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
In the realm of Hollywood, the success of a particular movie, may spawn a sequel. In some cases these sequels are good,.... but more often than not, these films are steaming piles of horse shit stacked so high that airplanes loaded with Argentinian soccer players are crashing into them.
Guttenberg's Principle, to put simply is knowing when to say enough is enough. Following the success of Police Academy, Guttenberg went on to play the loveable Carey Mahoney in the sequel Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, proceeded to explore the depth of the character in Police Academy 3: Back in Training, and continued to suckle the teet in Police Adademy 4: Citizen's on Patrol.
The focus of Guttenberg's Principle is really not about Steve Guttenberg himself, but rather the Leslie Easterbrook's, Michael Winslow's and Marion Ramsey's of the world (right now you are saying to yourself...Who? Exactly). When a thespian of Guttenberg's status departs a franchise like the Police Academy series....perhaps it's time to stick the proverbial fork in it. However, rather than follow rational thinking, Police Academy raged on with Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (nothing makes me laugh harder than comedies set in Florida), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, and the box office smash Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (Bubba Smith didn't even return for this one! Neither did Marion Ramsey, but I'm sure you are still wondering who the hell that is). Believe it or not, after this there was a television show that followed the continued exploits of these whores, I mean characters.
At Bad Movie Night we will continually apply Guttenberg's Principle to many of the movies we review here. Our number 1, Troll 2 epitomizes the Guttenberg Principle, not one member of the original cast returned for this mess!
Let's sum up. Here is the equation for Guttenberg's Principle:
Movie Sequel - Steve Guttenberg = Train Wreck
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
The pessimistic outlook for our survival on this planet is everywhere these days; global warming and it's effects, bird flu, war, and the terrorist threat! Many people are turning to scripture and finding the signs of the Apocalypse are happening now. This comes as no surprise, for I have seen the four horsemen heralding the end of days in the 1991 release of Troll 2. The power of evil this movie unleashes through it's pure badness is staggering and a sure sign that Judgment Day is at hand.
Director Drago Floyd wastes no time drawing in the viewer with a disturbing bed time story read by Grampa Seth. It tells of a courageous young boy named Peter who has lost his way home and is being hunted by "little people of the night" Goblins! Grampa Seth explains to his grandson Josh that goblins don't have to justify their cruel acts. Apparently neither did Epic Productions, who unleashed this travesty of a movie!
Is Grandpa Seth just telling a bed time story or could goblins really exist? Josh and his family are about to find out, as they take a much needed vacation to a "wonderful half-empty town" named Nilbog.This rustic community is actually the kingdom of goblins, where disguised as humans, the goblins try to feed people a green substance that will turn them into "half man, half plant" the goblins' favorite food. Will Josh save his family through the guidance of
Grampa Seth or will they be turned into a banquet for locals?!
Yes, yes the story sounds pretty bad, but don't worry, It's execution is far worse. The opening credits are some of the best I have ever seen and the hits keep rolling. The effects, costume, and make-up are unparalleled. Corn on the cobb has never been so funny; a scene you will never forget! I haven't even mentioned the acting. These
performances are so bad they reach levels I did not think were possible.
You and your friends will be reeling in laughter. Just when you think it can't get worse it does! This is the quintessential good bad movie. No tragedy has ever made me feel as good as Troll 2.
Hamlin Grade : 10
Fletch is a killing word!
What do you do when you are given a budget of $300? Decide to make a science fiction film, with cyborgs, dinosaurs and space battles of course! Future War melds talentless actors, horrible story, special effects that are anything but special, or effective, and a location that is basically a warehouse filled with cardboard boxes.
Starring the versatile Daniel Bernhardt and Robert Z'Dar this movie grabs you right from the start and doesn't let go...unless you have something better to do. Before I continue, I need to focus on these two actors and give you some background history. Both looked very familiar to me, in fact Robert Z'Dar I recognized from Tango and Cash. He played the prisoner Stallone electrocuted on the roof of the prison while trying to escape. Z'Dar's filmography on IMDB.com is truly impressive, in fact I have think Future War may have been a gateway to a cornocopia of bad films! Daniel Bernhardt looks like a clone of Jean Claude Van Damme (minus the acting ability), and in fact was Van Damme's predecessor on the Bloodsport sequels (YES THEY MADE MORE THAN ONE!!!). I do have to stop an give the man some credit because he did play an Agent in the Matrix sequels....ok the respect stops there. So given the quality of actors in this film you would have to assume recipe for success right? Absolutely!
Although Bernhardt is the star of Future War, the focus of the movie is on a drug addict prostitute turned nun, turned adventurer who serves as the narrator and helps weave this wonderful tale for us. Bernhardt plays a 'runaway', who (ok get ready) was kidnapped by cyborgs from the future in the past, and manages to escape to the present. Phew! The cyborgs also went back in time and kidnapped dinosaurs who they trained to be trackers....okay.
The dinosaurs in this movie are brilliant. How they were able to perfect the rotating head on a single axis while pushing these rubber messes on a wheel barrow is baffling. The ability to portray realism by just having the sound guy shake a big rubber puppet lends to the beauty of this epic. ILM could learn a thing or two from these cgi wizards!
Aside from his acting, Bernhardt's greatest asset is his mastery of the martial arts, which he employs frequently as he is hunted down by cyborgs and dinosaurs. Luckily he runs into the whore/nun, who befriends him, and along with some friends from church, some new nun friends, her old pimp (i swear i'm not making this up) and her old whore friends band together to help the Runaway defeat the forces of evil.
The final showdown between the Runaway (Bernhardt) and the Master Cyborg (Z'Dar) takes place as the whore/nun is taking her vows to become a full fledged nun (she was obviously an NIT - Nun in training). However while contemplating her final vows, she has a momentary pause while spying a glance at the glistening form of Bernhardt.....but before we get her decision....BAM...Master Cyborg attacks! What ensues is completely unpredictable.
What I really love is the attention to detail in this film. Cyborgs from the future would most certainly sport 70's porn style moustache's, and when a cyborg is destroyed.....I expected it to sound like a case of wine falling down a flight of stairs. Nice touch. The dinosaurs. Not since Carnosaur 3 have we been introduced to such realism.
To sum up, I think Future War has Top 5 potential, and is worth the hour and thirty minutes that you will have to purge in order to view this. Give Future War a chance....your past may depend on it! YEAH! Anyone?
Hamlin Grade : 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Until recently No Retreat No Surrender was the quintessential bad movie (till it was dethroned by Troll 2). No Retreat No Surrender, was the 1986 box office smash, that swept the Academy Awards, and propelled Jean Claude Van Damme to super-stardom. Actually, except for the year the film came out, everything in that previous sentence is total bullshit. This movie sucks. If anything, Van Damme, doesn't want you to see this movie. Why? Van Damme is painted all over the marketing of this disaster, full photo of him flexing magnificently on the cover, his name in lights everywhere and what's funny is he was in it for all of 5 minutes, had 3 lines, and fucked them all up. Nice work JC!
Now, when I say this movie sucks, please understand that this is a badge of honor that few movies wear here at Bad Movie Night.net. No Retreat No Surrender is a great bad movie. This is a piece of film history that clearly illustrates to aspiring actors and film makers 'what not to do'. As I said earlier, and as you can see No Retreat No Surrender is our 2nd highest rated Bad Movie.
The plot. HAHAHAH. No really. Okay. Jason (magnificently portrayed by Kurt McKinney) watches his father get his ass kicked by Jean Claude Van Damme in their own dojo. This apparently happens because of a not very well explained need for the mafia to take over dojos in the Los Angeles area. Thanks to the ass kicking, Jason and his family pack up all their belongings (which convenietly fit in a station wagon, and U-Haul trailer) and flee from persecution to the safety of Seattle.
Like a page torn from Karate Kid, Jason is immediately met with hardships as the new kid, brutally harassed by Dean (the highest ranking student of the 'evil' dojo) and Scott (some fat shit who stands around eating most of the movie, but is truly the anchor of this classic). Jason finds support from his retarded girlfriend Kelly (who he apparently had some relationship with prior to his trail of tears journey from L.A.) and his new best friend R.J. (the high flying, rapping, breakdancing, cassete player welded to his mongoose Michael Jackson wannabe).
After several beatings, Jason secures a vacant house (provided by the versatile R.J.) and discovers (much like the Karate Kid) that he has his own Mr. Miaggi. This in the form of the ghost of Bruce Lee. Appearing out of thin air, like Obi Wan, the ghost of Bruce Lee (referred to as Leedaga) trains and spectacularly kicks the shit out of Jason until he is forged into a weapon of extraordinary magnitude!
No Retreat No Surrender ends with the final showdown between Jason and the Russian (Van Damme) which takes place at a local gym (made to look like a real colliseum, but boy did they fall short). Again the mafia shows up (with an agenda that is still to be clarified, and don't expect resolution) and Jason must battle the odds! Can he win? Really at this point do you care? You should be well on your way through your 9th beer at this point and close to pissing yourself from laughter. I won't spoil the surprise ending.
Jason wins.
This movie is brilliant on so many levels. It exemplifies the age old virtue that the only way to solve your problems is through violence. It's a valuable lesson, that is unfortunately not widely preached these days. So kids, if you have trouble at school, take karate, beat the shit out of few people, and everything will be just fine. Also, the fact that Van Damme out acted the entire cast with his 20 word mastery of the English language is a testament to his greatness. No Retreat No Surrender also gives you not one, not two, but three montages! Three!!! One love montage and two...count'm two training montages!! HOLY SHIT!! The first training montage is the one where he fails, and you'd probably have Carl Weathers screaming at you "Whats the matter with you!" and "There is no tomorrow!", but sadly our hero Jason, only has R.J.....who provides little to no inspiration.
No Retreat No Surrender is a must see. Here's a rundown:
Acting: None
Directing: None
Story: Hahahahhah
Hamlin Grade : 9
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
This straight to video gem stars Gary Busey as the Gingerdead Man. Busey comes with the intensity right out of the gates, perhaps his finest "CRAZY GUY"performance. Don't think that Full Moon Pictures had enough cash to pay this established thespian because they didn't. The first five minutes is all you will see of Busey but you will hear his psychotic voice breath life into the blood-thirsty pastry known as the Gingerdead man. Set in Waco Texas, a trio of young hot girls, a couple of dudes, a drunk old woman and a salty business man will keep you and your friends in stitches. The body count is low but the acting and effects are lower.
It was produced and directed by Albert Band who has brought us such classics as Ghoulies and Ghoulies 2.
Hamlin Grade : 5.5
Fletch is a killing word,
Fletch
There are countless movies that contain bad acting. There are many that have poor production value and still more where one wonders how in gods name someone could write such a train wreck, let alone convince people to make a movie out of it to share with the world! It is a rare thing to find one that contains all three ( bad acting, production,writing) and warrants a viewing.
Good bad movies are often painful to watch alone but are quite entertaining in groups. The key to a good bad movie is that the people involved in the making of that movie really believed in there efforts.
Their failure is our entertainment,.... that's our mantra here at Bad Movie Night .net.
Fletch is a killing word,
Fletch
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