REVIEW: Flyboys
I was visiting my buddy Fletch recently and while he was planning his next trip to Denver (a journey in which he ritually uses this poor bastard who thinks Fletch really likes him, but is in fact only a pawn to Fletch because he lives near some 'bitchin' slopes...Fletch's words, not mine), I spyed his video collection (which is riddled with snuff films, and gay pornagraphy). In his collection, the movie Flyboys caught my eye. My first thought was why not just call it Man on Man Action.... but then I realized my error.
Flyboys is not an adult feature that celebrates Fletcher's and Duggan's deviant lifestyle, but rather is a Hollywood production that saw the big screen last summer.
Flyboys stars James Franco (you know him as Harry from the Spiderman trilogy) as Blaine Rawlings, one of many young American bucks who wish to join the French military during World War I so they can learn to fly, and become the first fighter pilots. Flyboys is filled with token plots, token stories, a token black guy, and a token white guy that is prejudiced towards him (of course he learns the better of ways and realizes that hey, this black guy is just like me, and I shouldn't hate him just because of the color of his skin(.. you may remember this exact scenario from the Patriot).... if only all the world could watch this movie, we could put an end to racism).
Where Flyboys is weak on story, it is amazingly strong on special effects. The dogfight scenes between the French and the Germans are spectacular. They save this film, and thankfully the director or writer didn't waste too much time getting to the meat of the movie. Why waste time on plot and character development, when you can have air battle, after air battle? Why indeed.
I learned a great deal from this film, some historical notes, some interesting things about planes back then, and of course, the French. The history of French cowardice to be more specific. Apparently their legacy of being a nation of pussies began in World War I (although it could have started sooner). Rather than fly the planes and get killed themselves, the French showed a group of Americans how to fly (the head instructor is played by Jean Reno, who has apparently over the past decade replaced Christopher Lambert as the token 'French guy'), gave them planes, and waved au revoir while they stayed behind and sipped wine, ate baguettes and more than likely sucked each others cocks. Amazing how not one of the pilots in this movie was a French. Or perhaps it's not amazing at all. Good Luck Americans!!!
Flyboys is a pretty kick ass film. If you want to avoid story, and acting, this is the way to do it. Aside from some waste of time romance bullshit between Franco's character and a French whore, this movie is wall to wall action and some damn good eye candy. If you are looking for story (check out Cybernator... oh wait... no really go see it), go elsewhere, if you are looking for fun and another reason to laugh at France.... Flyboys is your flick.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
March 20, 2012
REVIEW: Highlander 2
The movie sequel. In almost every instance, they represent a lesser version of the original. A poor, bastardized, facsimile, the sequel is not motivated by story or plot, but rather fortune and profit.
In Hollywood, most projects are slung like monkey excrement against the proverbial wall, or in this case we the viewers. Some of these projects adhere, and garner praise, while others more accurately represent the aforementioned simian effluence, and plummet greasily to the deck. The films that recieve acclaim, and achieve a profit are immediately tossed into the whore-machine where they are mass produced into painfully generic dopplegangers and forced fed to the public until we vomit from our eyes.
On the very rare occassion some films manage to produce a sequel that equals the greatness of the first. Highlander 2 is not one of those films.
Highlander 2 is in fact the epitome of sequels. It was made for all the wrong reasons, embraces everything bad about the follow-up feature film business and could very well go down as the most catastrophic second parter to ever be made since the motion picture camera was invented.
The original Highlander, while passed over when it first hit theaters in the United States was met with grand acceptance overseas. It's popularity in Europe helped it eventually gain a cult following worldwide, which invetibaly, and unfortunately lit the fires to produce it's tragic counterpart Highlander 2 (I'm sure those assholes in England had something to do with this.... Christopher Lambert is probably a folk hero over there).
Quick recap for those of you unfamiliar with the original Highlander. Immortals populate the earth and fight from the dawn of time till present day (which when this film was made was 1986, in New York City) in order to win 'the prize', a legendary goal amongst those who cannot die.
Let me describe the evolution from Highlander, to Highlander 2. Imagine if you a will, a smoking hot chick, beautiful from head to toe, flawless, the female equivalent of Patrick Swayze. Now take that same woman, smash her in the face with a shovel, set her on fire, then extinguish her burning flesh by dropping a post White Castle liquid deuce on her.... or just imagine Julia Roberts.
Yes, I know. Truly shocking. Aside from the English culture, nothing has collapsed into utter disgrace more quickly or completely.
So Highlander 2 wastes little time in destroying everything you knew from the first film, and replacing it with.... tragedy. We join an aged Connor Macleod (played by English fan-favorite Christopher Lambert), who has achieved fame and fortune by solving the Earth's depleting Ozone Layer dilema. The prize, which he won in Highlander by cutting off a lot of heads, and banging some marginaly attractive women, gave him the ability to grow old ( I assume, something treasured by those in the Immortality field.... hard to say). The prize also gave him a certain degree of omnipotence, and with that the ability to help all man-kind. So Macleod uses his new gifts to create the 'Shield', a giant blanket of energy designed to protect the Earth from the sun's radiation as the Ozone Layer slowly disintegrates.
While saving the Earth from immediate destruction, the Shield plunges the planet in darkness, and because of this everyone is a little bummed. So the world is dark all the time... oh no, let's drink, and act like assholes.... I digress. So Macleod is now viewed as the man who destroyed the planet, even though he technically saved it..... as if it matters.
Highlander 2 starts with a flashback / dream sequence that tells of the origin of the Immortals on Earth. They are all aliens from the past living on a planet called Zeist (the concept for this movie by the way layed the foundation for Scientology). On Zeist if you are deemed undesirable, you are banished to the future (Earth in this case) where you will live forever..... so on Zeist they torture you with untold blessings of good fortune. And for the record, Zeist looked like a fucking shitty planet (imagine England....but with uglier chicks).... so really being banished to Earth... not so bad.
Enter General Katana (really unique name guys.... let's name the bad guy after a sword! FUCKING GENIUS!! Oh and by the way, here's my second in command Colonel Hand Grenade, Captain Light Sabre, and Special Agent Nun-Chuks! Whoever wrote this should be raped in the eye with a soldering iron) who is played by Bad Movie Knight's own Michael Ironside, and wouldn't you know, he sets the standard for all the thespians in this film and once again proves the theory of the Ironside Agenda. Yes, Ironside out acted everyone in this classic, including Sean Connery who obviously just dropped by this set to pick up his $3 million dollar check (I have coats that are better actors than Christopher Lambert, so not much of a challenge for ole M.I. there). Katana begins by sending some of his henchman to Earth to dispatch Macleod. Clad in black, wearing goggles, and obviously fond of cock, these bad asses attempt to assassinate Macleod. One however accidentally get's his head cut off by a passing freight train (they are fighting in the city.... things have gotten so bad on Earth that whole railway lines now move through busy urban neighborhoods)... and because of this fatal immortal injury, Macleod is transformed back into his young, strapping French, I mean Scottish self. OOOOOooooo! Yeah, whatever, don't try and figure it out, don't try and understand it. Macleod quickly takes care of the second gay bad guy and then hooks up with Virginia Madsen. She portrays an environmental terrorist who is hell-bent on destroying the Shield. After some convincing, and some sex, Macleod agrees to help her with plans. But before they can begin Ramirez (Connery) shows up.
Ok, for you douche-bags who didn't see it, Ramirez was killed (head removed) in the first Highlander and died. Right? WRONG! In Highlander 2, we learn that if you are banished to Earth, and you are killed, you get to return to Zeist. That is some fantastic holiday package they have got going on over there. So the writers found a way to script Connery back into the movie, but because his salary was so off the charts we only have to sustain him for a brief period of time during this already excrutiatingly painful visual rape.
So the gangs back together, and we're off to lay waste to corporate America! Yippeee! The remainder of the movie is like Kung-Fu the video game.... fight some bad guys, advance to the next level, fight more bad guys, next level, so on, and so on, until you reach the top. And waiting at the top level? General Katana of course. He stands between our pair of heroes (Connery died stopping a fan... go figure) and the Shield Generator which they must destroy in order to restore peace to the planet (I swear I've heard this concept before... I just can't place it). Blah, blah, blah, Macleod and Katana have an old fashion 'who has the bigger dick' contest on top of the Shield Corporation building. Predictably Macleod wins, and cuts off Katana's head (yes to some of you I just spoiled the ending... but really if you haven't seen this already, I'm doing you a monster favor), then destroys the shield, and then we have blue skies.
If you haven't figured it out already, Highlander 2 is a complete failure on every level. Never before, and probably never again will I see a franchise destroyed by a sequel (oh wait what about Star Wars?) the way Highlander 2 has. This is a movie that should have ended after the first.... not spawned this or any of the other sequels ( they all suck, but what's funny is that they all ignore the previous thinking they can do better....) or a ridiculously pointless television series (let's face it, if your TV show airs on USA.... it's already failed).
Watching Highlander 2 is like trying to pass a kidney stone through the eyes. Just don't do it. I implore you.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
March 15, 2012
REVIEW: Jaws: The Revenge
Normally we don't review films that make it to the big screen, or ones that have Oscar winners in them, but Jaws:The Revenge is an exception that must clearly break that rule.
The fourth film in the Jaws franchise, Jaws: The Revenge personifies the Guttenberg Principle as none of the original cast except for Lorraine Gary has returned to reprise their roles. Unless you count a photo of Chief Brody hanging in the police station. Jaws: The Revenge also completely ignores the 1983 smash hit Jaws 3,(which was in 3-D. Remember our early 80's love affair with this state-of-the-art technology? Don't worry, we will remind you very soon!) which on paper was a brilliant on idea, however in execution it was so poor that if they ever make Jaws 5, they will have to ignore this one too.
Jaws: The Revenge starts off quickly as a young Sean Brody, who is following in his father's footsteps, and is now a deputy of the Amityville Sheriff's Department, has met his match as crisis strikes during this holiday season.... a channel buoy is hung up on a floating log! Who will rescue it? Deputy Brody is on the job, because a tangled channel bouy must be addressed immediately, even on Christmas night. As Deputy Brody frees the buoy a great white shark (hidden below the log, a clever trap setup up by this evil fish and one of the oldest tricks in the book...everyone knows the great white under the floating log gag....but this guys a New Englander so cut him some slack) frees Brody of his arm. Screaming and wailing like a pussy (not that I would be very cool in that situation), the shark eventually tips the boat, sends young Brody overboard and feasts upon him. Que the blood pumps.
Now I'm no Icthyologist but I'm pretty sure sharks are not fond of cold water, especialy Nantucket waters approaching near freezing temperatures during the holiday season. Suspend disbelief.
What follows is scene after scene of Ellen Brody breaking down and crying. Lorraine Gary does such a compelling job of portraying sadness that I can only assume that she was thinking about her movie career during these moments.
At this point, you'd think the Brody family would migrate to Wisconsin, but no, at the urging of her oldest son Michael Brody (brilliantly portrayed by Lance Guest of Superman and The Last Starfighter fame), she moves down to the Caribbean to join his wife and daugher. Smart move, no shark could ever get to you and your loved ones on a tropical island....and thus the plot begins to take shape. This shark that attacked Sean, was apparently related to the shark and or sharks from Jaws 3, oh sorry Jaws 2, since we are ignoring Jaws 3. The attack on Sean was just the first step in a revenge plot against the Brody family!
In the Caribbean, we see Michael Brody, back to work as a marine biologist (studying the migration of conches....could you find a less interesting sea creature to study?) along with his partner Jake (played by the star of Highlander 3, Mario Van Peebles....Van is for Vantastic!) when suddenly the shark surfaces and tries to attack Michael. Jake immediately dismisses his original field work (good move) to begin tagging and tracking the shark (this introduces for the first time, the shark cam, which involves technology that will probably be available in a decade or so).
Meanwhile, Ellen Brody is still crying. Inbetween her bouts of depression she meets the charismatic, drunk pilot Hoagie (played by 2 time Oscar winner Michael Caine...i know, i know...I'm sure he doesn't know why he was in this movie either) who expertly tries to romance her out of her clothing (but thankfully doesn't, no need to show these two raisins bumping uglies).
The turning point of the film, is when the shark (able to sniff out Brody DNA) attacks young Thea Brody (perhaps the most annoying young actress ever prior to the arrival of Dakota Fanning) daughther of Michael (son of Jor-El) and granddaughter of Ellen Brody. Fortnately she is ok and the shark just kills an extra. Suspend disbelief.
Ellen cries.
Realizing that this shark will never leave her family alone unless she faces it (or Hollywood stops funding this shit) Ellen Brody steals her son's research ship and heads out to sea to meet her nemesis. Her concerned family and friends, Michael, Jake, and Hoagie take to the air to find her. Locating the boat, and the shark in close pursuit they land / crash the plane in an attempt to save her. The shark is immediately on the crippled aircraft. Michael and Jake manage to escape to saftey, but Hoagie appears to be trapped in the plane by the shark. The plane explodes. Devestated by the passing of her friend Ellen cries. This is the "I am your father" moment of this movie, and proves that Michael Caine is indestructible. As his friends mourn their loss, Hoagie reappears on the side of the boat. Stunned by his remarkable survival skills, they ask how he made it, and he quickly and clearly explains his escape by saying "It wasn't easy!" Well done Mike!
The three form a plan to kill the shark while Ellen weeps, by tagging the shark with a unique strobe / tracker thing they stole from the set of Star Trek. Heroically depositing the tracker along with his entire body, Jake is taken under by the shark. Ellen cries. Now able to make the shark breach at will, they turn the ships bow towards the shark, hit the strobe button, blah blah blah, shark's midsection is impaled on the front of the boat. Suspend disbelief. Suspend disbelief.
Now just when you thought the surprises were over, this one lands across your face like the back of your drunk uncle's hand. Wimpering, grunting and floating along side the boat is Jake. Not to be outdone by Michael Caine's invinciblity, Mario Van Peeble's is equally shark proof. I can only imagine these two in the casting room...."you aren't killing my character!" "Well my character isn't gonna die either then!". Suspend disbelief.
This movie is no where near our Top 5 worst, but it does illustrate a terrific example of how to piss away millions of dollars. Perhaps I am just bitter, because I was one of 3 assholes who actually saw this mess on the big screen. Perhaps. But now, revenge is mine. By the way, if you don't want the ending of this movie spoiled, don't read the last 4 paragraphs of this review.
Hamlin Grade : 2
Somewhere, Ellen is still crying.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
March 05, 2012
REVIEW: Dante's Peak
LOCATION, CONVENIENCE & COMFORT! !!! Live the good life in the beautiful town of Dante's Peak. Custom home, with 4 Bedrooms, 2.5 Baths, Central Air Conditioning, a large Deck, great storage space, and a yard that's just right for entertaining and family fun! It's charm reflects quality care throughout and certainly a comfortable style of living. Oh and by the way, it's located at the base of A FUCKING VOLCANO!
Dante's Peak is your typical 90's disaster flick that glorifies our destruction at the hands of mother nature. In this case a volcano. The greatest aspect of these films, are the local denizens who provide a never-ending supply of stupidity, and of course primarily to pad the body-count.
Dante's Peak starts off by introducing us to a pre-James Bond, Pierce Brosnan (who for the record is easily the third best James Bond) who plays volcanologist Harry Dalton (no relation to James Dalton... bouncer of the Double Deuce played by the world reknowned and well oiled Patrick Swayze in Road House). The opening of this epic shows us Dalton along with his wife fleeing an eruption, establishing right off the bat that he is serious about his craft. So is his wife, at least for a few minutes until a volcanic rock crashes through the roof of their car, and crushes her skull. The remainder of the opening credits show Brosnan trying to re-enact the Stallone "Don't die Micky" scene from Rocky III.
Years later, Dalton arrives at Dante's Peak with a tune on his lips and a kick in his step. Just kidding he's a dark, brooding asshole, and all he sees are dead people at the bottom of a volcano. While everyone tries to brush off his warnings, call him paranoid, crazy, impatient... the one thing they forget to call him is absolutely right. Here's the conversation between the town council, Harry Dalton, and his boss Paul Dreyfus:
Council: "Do we have a volcano problem?"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "Ok I guess not."
Paul: "There you go... now we're just gonna go camping on your mountain for fun... and bring a few million dollars worth of seismic equipment with us."
Council: "Ok great. Let's discuss the Bake Sale!"
Now most of us with common sense, would never purchase a home within the vicinity of volcano. Now for the rest of you retards, (and I'm speaking to anyone who willingly voted to have George W. Bush run this country for another 4 years), here are a few simple rules to follow:
Rule #1. If you live in a town that is conveniently located on the side of a volcano, and a group scientists show up to study the volcano. LEAVE!!!! What the fuck?! Don't get me wrong, their wouldn't be a film without morons like these, but holy shit, do you have to wait until your family is on fire to seriously consider evacuation?
Rule #2. Ok so a group of volcano experts hanging out in your town, studying your 'volcano', getting shitfaced in your bar, rapping about the last town that mother nature took a shit on isn't enough to raise your level of concern, here are a few other warning signs:
Rule 2a. When the natural hot springs spa poaches a pair of naked tourists to death.... you might have a volcano.
Rule 2b. When wildlife starts to come down with a slight case of death, and it's not due to the business end of a hunting rifle or the heavy duty steel radials on the ridiculously over-sized pick up truck that you fucking red-necks (and Ryan) consider standard accessories.... you might have a volcano.
Rule 2c. When the drinking water that flows from your faucet tastes like shit (people of Gloucester, Massachussetts please disregard this rule, as everyone and everything in your town looks, smells, and tastes like shit... on second thought, perhaps you should evacuate?).... you might have a volcano.
Rule #3. Don't make any attempts to rescue the stubborn senior citizen who is too proud to leave the home they built and lived in for the last half century. Fuck'em. Instead of one asshole dying, who in all honesty, had it not been for the volcano would have been supporting the fertilizer industry in the near future anway, you risk the lives of how many? Why? The old prune wants to suffer an agonizing death while bathing in molten rock... go for it bitch. Remember just prior to Mt. St. Helens erupting, there was an actual guy who refused to leave his home in spite of repeated warnings? No? Don't worry no one else does either. Way to immortalize yourself as the nameless old jackass who pissed his life away. I digress.
Rule #4. When a volcano expert tells you not to get into a helicopter during an eruption... take that very valuable advice and follow it. Unfortunately this helicopter crash didn't have the typical two civilians hanging off of the struts (the ones that eventually plunge to their deaths, but not before bringing down the entire aircraft due to a weight overload... how unselfish of them.... but generous for us!) but it is loaded to the brim with a bunch of rich assholes seeking to avoid bridge traffic... way to go boys, you beat the rush hour commute.
Rule #5. This perhaps the most important of all the rules. When considering a real estate purchase, try and find a home that isn't constructed on a mountain named after Satan's cock? Hmmmmm? Now, I'm sure the real estate agent will try and wooh and wow you with the price, and assuage your fears by telling you not to worry because the volcano is dormant. Dormant implies that it was once active. Guess what ass. Right now my car is dormant. It will become active again when I start it up.
Dante's Peak follows the disaster movie template to the letter. Little to no character development and completely devoid of story (stubborn townies, conflicting professionals, retards, and even a forced romance). Minimal direction (in most cases these movies have no need for a director, unless the crew needs someone to make a coffee run). The star of the movie is a mountain. If it wasn't for the actors, this movie would be 20 minutes long (and I"m being incredibly generous there). When Dante's Peak does finally erupt the movie turns somewhat good. Great effects. Great destruction. The characters that pissed you off all movie die (except Brosnan). What's not to love?
Grab your remote, jump to the eruption scene on your dvd, sit back, and enjoy. Then get up a few minutes later and watch something else.
Hamlin Grade: 4
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
February 29, 2012
REVIEW: Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace
This may come as a shock to see this movie on our site, but to many of you it probably isn't. Perhaps a great deal of you are wondering what the fuck took me so long to finally get to this unmitigated cinematic nightmare. Just by posting this title here, let alone calling it a bad movie will drive scores of 30 year old virgins, still living with their parents out of there minds. That is part of the reason why I do this now......but really its about the film. Bottom line, it's a bad movie...and like any bad movie before, it must be dealt with in the harshest of manners. RELEASE THE KRACKEN!!!
Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace is probably the greatest sequel (yes I know it's a prequel you fucking geeks) fuck up next to Highlander 2: The Quickening. Sadly, the movies following Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace didn't follow the rules of the Quickening and completely ignore this disaster similiar to how Highlander 3: The Sorcerer and Jaws : The Revenge did.
It would be very easy to lay the blame of Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace on George Lucas, but really the finger, and I mean middle, points directly at his staff. Imagine a situation, similiar to the old fairy tale 'The Emperor's new clothes' (if you don't know the story, put down the X-box controller, brush the Funions off your tits and look it up you pale faced losers), and you will have a perfect representation of what goes on over at Skywalker Ranch. George Lucas is surrounded by a staff that is terrified to tell him the truth. When he threw the script for Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace in front of them, all they had to say was....'umm George, this isn't very good' or perhaps 'George, this could use some tweaking...", anything to help make the product better! Holy Shit! I highly doubt that meetings with Lucas are similiar to those with Spectre where individuals not willing to tow the corporate line are electrocuted or dropped from a blimp at the touch of a button! Regardless, their actions(or lack thereof rather) as 'support staff' warrant death by Operation Grand Slam and a generous raping from Grace Jones...Dennis, Rick....Stan.
By itself, Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace would probably be a halfway decent film. However, since it was supposed to be the backstory to possibly the greatest movies ever (yes I will stand by the original Star Wars trilogy as near perfection), the Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was nothing short of a scar on the original franchise.
The focus of Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace is of course Darth Vader. A prototype as far a villians go. So, when we first meet him as a young boy, what better way to portray him than with Dakota Fanning's androgenous evil twin (if you haven't figured it out thus far, I can't stand Dakota....especially since War of the Worlds, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she falls from grace like the rest of her child star peers). Jake Lloyd. Jake you got to play the greatest character in a movie since Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs....and you failed sir, you failed miserably....hopefully after Jingle All the Way we won't ever see you again.
At this point, you probably think I'm going to give George Lucas a pass.....no my friends, I save the best for last. The original Star Wars story he created was without equal, and frankly still is. Even with millions of dollars, unlimited technology, and a plethorough of top rated actors, he could not even come close to the originals. George Lucas has an innate ability to suck the talent out of actors, so their performances become robotic, stiff, and unemotional. One only needs to look at Natalie Portman's portrayal of Padme / Queen Amidalla (wow was I fooled that she played both characters) or Samuel Jackson's performance as Jedi Master Mace Windu. Mr. Jackson is arguably one of the finest actors working in movies today, and George Lucas managed to direct the acting right out of his performance so that we are left with a monotous, boring, and stale Mace Windu. Why ask Samuel Jackson to play the part if you aren't going to let the man act? I envisioned Lucas on the set saying things like: "Sam, what the hell are you doing?".....Jackon would respond "I'm acting George"....which Lucas would say "There's no place for that shit here!"
Dialogue. George, George, George. The 1940's are over my friend. If you are trying to capture an era of film that you grew up with, why didn't you make Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace a silent film? That way we wouldn't have had to listen to Jake Lloyd do his Dakota Fanning impression throughout this fucking disaster.
Jar Jar. Fucking Jar Jar. Obviously this subject has been beaten to death, and called everything from ridiculous to racist. Regardless, this character, along with the Pod Race helped transform Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace into a 2 hour licensing campaign. I understand that one of the goals of Hollywood is to make a profit, but not at the expense of the story. Lucas went to such great lengths to cater this hemmorroid to licensing deals that he may as well have had Yoda drinking a fucking Pepsi. A new generation the choice of is.
Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was also a situation where Lucas went against his own statement "A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing" (I'm paraphrasing from his interview in 'From Star Wars to Jedi'). Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was nothing but special effects...hold the story please! The funniest thing is that I think he got so lost in his own technology that he forgot how to utilize it. Look at the way Peter Jackson and his crew have seemlessly melded miniature models with computer effects in the Lord of the Rings. The architect of the technology has been bested by a student of it. Everything in Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was over polished, and too perfect. The beauty of the original Star Wars movies is that nothing was perfect, the ships were angular and boxy, and many were unattractive, but that is what made them so attractive. Nothing in life is perfect.....this bad movie more than nails that point home.
Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace opened the doors for the prequels, and just last year the arc was concluded with Star Wars, Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. To this I can only say....Lucas, now your failure is complete.
If you are upset by any part of this review, then you are not a real Star Wars fan.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
February 28, 2012
REVIEW: Megaforce
Barry Bostwick. A motorcycle with rocket launchers. Gold spandex jumpsuits. A headband. No this is not gay pornography, this is MEGAFORCE!
Megaforce, is an old childhood favorite. I made my mother take me to see this disaster in the theatre when I was just a young buck. Megaforce features an all-star cast, starring Barry Bostwick as Ace Hunter ( I swear it's not gay porn), Michael Beck as Dallas (you may remember Mr. Beck as Swan from the Warriors), the lovely Persis Khambatta as Zara (Persis is famous for her role as Vygr from Star Trek The Motion Picture...as opposed to Star Trek The Coffee Mug? What the fuck was that about?) Edward Mulhare as Byrne-White (Hasselhoff's boss Devin, from TV's Knight Rider) and our own Henry Silva as the evil Guerera (you can learn more about Mr. Silva's exploits in my heterosexual lifemate Fletcher's review of the classic Escape From The Bronx / Bronx Warriors 2).
Megaforce is about an elite special forces group who ride on futuristic motorcycles and dune-buggies, that are equipped with rockets, machine guns, and laser cannons. They are doing battle against the evil tank divisions of Guerera ( the lovely and talented Henry Silva). Their finest weapon however is not their vehicles, but rather their choice in fashion. I was not kidding earlier. The required uniform of the Megaforce Corps is gold sparkling spandex jumpsuits.....and optional headbands. Imagine an army of Bee Gees clones advancing on you....simply put....terrifying ( Barry Bostwick looks more like Barry Gibb in this movie.....but boy do his troops love him...a deep forbidden love).
Ace Hunter (Bostwick), and Dallas (Beck) the leaders of Megaforce take their team (and sweet spandex outfits) up against Guerera and his army of tanks. WIth the help of Zara and Byrne-White, who provide intelligence (and very little acting ability) for the Megaforce unit in their battle against Guerera. There is a really lame and pointless attempt at a love connection between Ace and Zara but it fails miserably, Ace it seems is more focused on riding his motorcycle with his boys through the mountains (can you blame him?). Zara still freaks me out. Even with hair I still see her as the Sinead O'Connor freak from Star Trek. Apparently the robotic monotone voice she used in Star Trek wasn't just for that movie, it's actually how she acts.
The Megaforce unit after several successful battles against Guerera find that he has managed to block them off from their only means of escape ( I guess while the boys of Megaforce were sewing their gold tights together, Guerera was reading up on his Sun Tzu ). Ace, Dallas, Zara, Byrne-White, and the whole (and I mean hole) Megaforce team, come up with a brilliant plan (which involves 'Stealth' mode, oh hell yeah bitch!) to defeat Guerara and escape unharmed. The final escape scene with Ace is nothing short of brilliant. I'm sorry it's been a long day, I'm tired. The end of this movie is like watching any Kevin Costner movie....a complete and utter waste of your time (much like Major League Baseball).
If you like motorcycles, gold spandex, and Barry Bostwick ( be careful before you answer that one)......then Megaforce is the bad movie for you! If you do like all those things, I recommend you also call the police and register yourself as a sex offender.
Hamlin Grade: 5.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
January 07, 2011
REVIEW: Rocky IV
Rocky Balboa.
He is all things to all people. Hero. Scourge. Punching bag. Chicken wrangler. Beloved pupil. Doting father. He even tries his hand as a lumberjack. Rocky is an everyman, a lover AND a fighter. Friend to animals, robots, angry Soviets, even black people.
Those wise old sayings people attribute to Jesus? He got those from Rocky.
Let's get this out of the way right now. Rocky IV is the greatest movie of all time. This is not just opinion here. It is scientific fact. The movie has been proven to increase testosterone levels up to 355% in any human or animal that watches it. (This is potentially an unfortunate side-effect for any female forced to watch but really, if she has to be forced to watch Rocky IV doesn't she deserve whatever the fates decree?)
The movie, like it's namesake, is a multifaceted work of art. Don't let all those pansy, socialists film critics get it twisted. Most of those hacks are busy writing their reviews in their parents basement and in between studying for their options trading education online and crying over their wasted lives. Rocky IV has a little bit of everything. It is simultaneously a sports film, a romance (um, I guess) a revenge tale, a meditation on geopolitics during the height of the Cold War, a comedy (those Russian accents are funny) Hell, it even plays like a musical set to the defiant, spirit-lifting tunes of uh, Survivor and um, a few other guys.
Simply put, this movie kicks ass. More precisely it dons a pair of red, white and blue boxing gloves and beats the ass which is normally kicked into a swollen, bloody pulp while the crowd goes wild and Pat chants "Dolph! Dolph!" (even though Dolph is the one who gets his ass beat in the finale)
Our story begins -as so many did in the blissful eighties- with those evil Russians daring to tread upon American soil, this time with the intent of beating up one of our African-American citizens (a task normally relegated to cops... and Rocky) in front of an internationally televised audience.
Enter Apollo Creed. Apollo is about four parts Muhammed Ali and...wait. Add another eight parts (but leave out all the rhyming and boxing skills) Anyhow Apollo agrees to an exhibition fight between himself and the monstrous Ivan Drago. He does so against the sage advice of Rocky, who feels that Apollo is a little too far past his prime to take on the mysterious Russian, but nevertheless agrees to serve as the Count of Monte Fisto's ring man.
The fight gets out of hand early and Apollo suffers a royal ass-beating from the machine-like Drago, who reduces him to a staggering pile of jello in just one round. Rocky refrains from forfeiting in the second round (even though Apollo's face resembles a bloody, ruptured football at that point) and in so doing throws the towel in on Apollo's life instead. Oh well. The King of Sting dies in Rocky's arms and - oh shit! Now it's on Russian!
After being told by his bitch wife Adrian that there's no way he can hang with Drago in the ring and that he should basically just bend over and take it from the godless Communists Rocky travels to Russia where he chops wood and runs through the snow while Drago works out on state of the art equipment and shoots state of the art steroids (sneaky Russian) One of the greatest training montages in the history of inspirational sports films builds up to a savage final confrontation inside the boxing ring where Rocky is faced with the daunting task of going toe to toe with Drago in front of a hostile Russian audience who shout (presumably. i don't speak Russian.) not very nice things at him. Even the Soviet Premiere is on hand for this important moment because, as we all know, nothing lends credence to your political ideology like having one of your native sons put a serious ass-whipping on a member of the enemy's citizenry.
So what we get follows the tradition of pretty much every Rocky fight, with the exception of his first fight with Clubber Lang (where he got his ass handed to him in fairly short order) that being a grueling fifteen round slugfest in which the art of blocking the opponents punch is conspicuously absent. Unless you count blocking with your face. Rocky excels at this strategy.
In the end Balboa triumphs over Drago and in so doing proves to the (former) Soviet Union and the rest of the world that not only is barbaric savagery a viable solution to cultural and ideological differences, but that the USA is the undisputed King in this regard. There's some business after the fight about how we can all change and, you know, i guess come together and stuff but by that point in the movie you're so jacked you can't sit still anymore. You feel invigorated. Inspired. You've just felt the rekindling of those old dusty dreams that once seemed down for the count.
And if you're like me that means you're ready to get back to work forming that dance troupe for the Rocky IV musical that you and Pat have been talking about...
I'm with you Pat... no matter what.
No matter what?
No matter what.
DRRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Hamlin Grade:5
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey
